From सफ़र-ing to Suffer-ing !

I have never been a good traveler. Among other things that I'm bad at, I suck exclusively in travelling. Flight travel in particular pisses me off. Allow me to explain (in a Manish Tiwari way):

Just too much of BS: I am yet to make peace with the fact that for a flight time of 1-2 hours (which by the way costs you a fortune in holiday season), there is at-least 1-2 hours of BullShit accompanying it. It starts from the travel to the airport which will be located almost in a different city which means two things: First, you never go to drop anybody off, which in a way is a good thing unless you are fresh in love. Second, if you do have to indeed go for a drop-off then the traveling party will reach their homes before you return to yours. Of-course in case of such drop-offs, the dropper has to call the droppee and inform that he has reached his home safely. Weird!
Then comes the first circle of class-Z security, right at the entrance of the airport. This is mostly presided over by policemen, half of whom would look like candidates who have been requesting VRS for at-least 10-15 years but denied and the rest would look so weak and helpless that even polio would spare them.
This is followed by you becoming a mouse (for the first time in the day) and running through the maze-like queue at the ticket counter. Of-course if you are tech-savvy unlike me, then  you can do a web check-in from home, not from that computer at the airport cos that is just a showpiece to tell the foreigners that 'we know what's going on in the west..'
Now it's the time for you to become the mouse-in-a-haze for the second time - proceeding towards the security check. In this most painful part your laptop/phone will be x-rayed inside and you will be humiliated on the outside. Unless your sexual orientation is 'aligned' with that of Karan Johar's, you are not going to enjoy redoing school PT moves and the security guy touching you at inappropriate places (not necessarily in the same order).
Let me point out to you, a couple of incidents that happened with me right at the security podium where you climb up to be examined. 
In the first one, I was ready at the podium, all prepared to be 'touched' (reluctantly of-course), having removed coins and sunglasses and placed at the side. The security guy begins to check me when he notices the sunglasses on the side.
Security Guy: "These are a very good pair of glasses. Which brand is it? "
Me (in the arms-stretched position): "Ray-Ban"
Security Guy: "How much do these cost?"
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "4700 bucks"
Security Guy: "Put them on. Let me see how they look."
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "What !!"
Security Guy: "Yes. Put them on just for a minute."
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "Sir, what are you talking about? There are dozens of people looking, I won't make a fool of myself!"
Security Guy: "I don't care!"
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "WTF! The nerve of you son of a bitch!"

Of-course, I didn't actually say out the last dialogue else two years after, I would still be standing there in the arms-stretched position with the glasses on. But I guess we all have learnt that being a citizen of a country (which by the way is also world's biggest democracy) whose name is often preceded by the adjective 'incredible', there are some limitations.

Anyway, without getting into the details of how the incident ended, let me tell you about the second incident. This was around the time when there was some hoax warning by the terrorists about blowing up the Delhi airport or something, thereby calling for extreme security at the airport. Unfortunately one of the parts of that extreme security package was a huge sniffer DOG! So there I'm, all-ready to get down from the podium after being reluctantly touched yet again, when suddenly I noticed that a sniffer dog of the size of a lion is standing right at the top of the outlet of the X-Ray machine, just next to the conveyer belt. If that was not disturbing enough, I noticed that the dog was not even chained. NOT EVEN CHAINED !! Would you believe it !

West's idea of protecting their people

I hadn't known till then that turning the passengers into dog-food was Delhi police's idea of safeguarding them. The very sight of that monster made me run clumsily in the opposite direction, away from the podium and towards the metal detector gate creating a scene. 

Delhi police's idea of protection.
 (Notice the arms-stretched position)

Definitely not the proudest moment of my life.
Add to all of the above, the recurring Final-Destination thoughts that I keep getting whenever I'm at the airport; I start staring at all the people in the airport as if I'm seeing them for the last time. During one of such weird ogling sessions, the security-men got suspicious and re-checked me.

Pretentious Air Hostesses and Phony Pilots: First things first, have you ever heard of an air hostess with a name like Madhumati or Chandramukhi or Sita or Phoolwanti? No, you must not have (or maybe in Air-India you would have). But how is it possible that all the air hostesses get hot names like Tanya, Rita, Maya, Sheila, Ghazal? Add to that their phony accents: "Sir, would you like to have some watherr ..?" Besides the fact that they don't show any interest in people who decline to buy their 178 rupees panheer-parawtha just makes me hate them more.
All that attitude and what do they end up announcing? 'Save your data before shutting down the laptop'  Wow! How would the human civilization have survived without this precious of advice. If ever there was a contest of framing a sentence in which no thought has been put whatsoever, this one would go the distance. Or maybe this highly debatable one would pip the earlier to the post: 'In case of emergency, help yourself before helping others'.  
And while we are talking about bogus, pilots can't be left behind. I bet while at the flying school, each of the to-be pilots would be having just one dream: One day, I would be speaking on the microphone from the cockpit! You got to be deaf to not have noticed how coarse and heavy voices these pilots have, all of them! How is it possible? Do these people practice that? Or is it a part of their flying school curriculum? Or is it after all, the monkey business of covering the mic with a handkerchief? Whatever it may be, but do tell me if you hear a Tendulkar-like voice from the cockpit fellow. Even the pilots will have all fancy names. Ever heard:"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot Chiraunji Lal accompanied by co-pilot Ghanshyam Prasad...". Ever? Besides what are these announcements good for anyway; bombarding the illiterate passengers like you and me with fancy cum scary jargon like nautical miles, altitude above sea-level, wind-speed etc.

Travelling with a Gujarati family: If your Shani and Mangal have decided to hump you on your day of travel, then you will find yourself sitting in the plane next to a Gujarati family. For the uninitiated, Gujaratis never travel alone. Yes, never, ever! You see them, you think as if the entire city is shifting. I had the misfortune of experiencing this the last time I was flying from Ahmedabad: Even before the flight took off, dhoklas started flying in the air across the aisle, fafdas started rolling on the floor, people started giggling hysterically, teasing each other, singing songs, even clapping. Clapping! Have you seen such a circus? It was as if the entire cast and crew of Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chasma has landed there.    

Shopping with the airline magazine: I see a lot of ridiculous things being sold in the airline magazines at even a more ridiculous price. One such item is a T-shirt with the airline name and tagline. What kind of a person would buy such a t-shirt? Do you ever go down the Vodafone store and ask for their sponsored t-shirts? If yes, then do let me know, because I have been thinking for a while to test the 'Filter Readers' facility available with this blog.

Tenacious Cabwallahs: How can one talk about the misery of a flight travel without making a mention of these hounds waiting for your blood on the outside of an airport. Of-course they would only appear hounds to you if you are  travelling on your own expense, because if you are traveling on your company's expense then you start behaving like SRK and Saif of Seagreams Royal Stag ad: 'Abhi aur kharcha karna baaki hai..'
Nevertheless, there is no doubt in my mind that Cabwallahs are the most connected people in our country. Haven't you noticed them blabbering the long list of things that they can get you. The more you avoid them, the longer the list gets and it mostly ends with you saying "What ! Get lost !" But there is no questioning their perseverance. Once a cabwallah almost convinced cum pushed me into a cab even though I was on my way to board the flight !

In case you are still reading, it's over <cue celebration music>.By the way what exactly was Deepak Tijori thinking in the movie Anjaam, when SRK informed him that he has started a new airline exclusively for him. 'Oh, I fly the plane soooo well ..' Dumbass!

What women must know about Men's daru parties!

There was a time not very long ago, when women would wonder, with the frustration of Sunny Deol's choreographer and Sunny Leone's photographer, both combined, that what is it that draws men to drinking; what is it that men start walking like zombies as soon as a friend invites them for a drinks party. Of-course most of them have stopped wondering now, as they themselves have started indulging, thanks to the 'Liberal Women' crap. But just in case there are still some left from the almost extinct 'Sati Savitri' species, let me inform them that it's not the quality or quantity of alcohol, but the drinkers and their mannerisms, that makes these binge parties a gents-magnet. Here are a few 'characters' and their 'mannerisms' that make a Daru-party the addiction that it is:


The Bartender: Rest assure that there has never been and shall never be a certified daru-party without this one friend who assumes the role of a bartender. Nobody knows what drives this guy to do it, perhaps little moments of feeling 'being-in-charge', but be as it may, everyone in the party instantaneously trusts his knowledge of peg-measurements. Clean glasses, ice-cubes, 30 ml, 60 ml, you name it, our bartender friend juggles them perfectly. Whats more, post 4-5 rounds, when all the so-called bevdas start ROFP (rolling on the floor puking), he is the only guy still making the dreaded pegs with uncompromising precision and motherly care (as in 'Vicky Donor'). Selfless bugger this one!


The Bania: Meeting long-lost friends after an eternity? College reunion? Stopping by for a quickie (drink I mean)? Celebrating a success? Mourning a loss? The occasion doesn't matters to this guy. The only thing that occupies his mind is that he should be able to drink/eat worth the money he had contributed in arranging the party. With this man on mission, there would be plenty of cheap situations like sudden disappearance of the salted-cashews,dry chilli paneer not completing one full round of the table etc. Everybody at the party are left wishing that this guy achieves his 'no losses incurred' mission as soon as possible, making way for normalcy.


The Singer: This guy waits restlessly for such gatherings, expecting people under the alcoholic influence to lose their judgement and ask him to sing. And once he starts, there is no stopping! From Kishore Kumar to Kumar Sanu, nobody is spared. Jokes apart, he is generally a good singer. A very potent cog in the daru-party wheel! 


The Host: For most part of the party, he is not a happy man, particularly if he is married and hosting the party in his wife's absence. I mean who would be happy watching his home sweet home turn into a sty within the space of a few hours. Like a maestro overseeing a musical performance, this guy manages the entire drinking-event, conducting businesses like ordering food, preparing salad, issuing guidelines like who should not be allowed beyond a certain number of drinks and, the most important of them all, who should be sitting closest to the wash basin. I am yet to see, in my glorified career as a distinct drunk, the host being the first to go down. Never! Also, invariably, he is the one to egg people to sing or recite a shayari. The Singer's favorite this guy, not surprising is it?


The Non-Drinker: Yes! There is almost always a non-drinker in the daru-party too, silently sipping a Pepsi in the corner, shooting a video. He may or may not be threatened instructed requested by his wife/GF to return sober. Although I must say that participating in a daru-party and not drinking is not easy, one fumble and the entire bevda group would be all over the guy, coming up with wise cracks like 'Abey, Pepsi chadh gayee kya?' It doesn't ends there. If there is a scarcity of chakhna or side-dishes then this guy is asked to adjust as the underlying principle of Nashebaazi dictates that the drinkers be given the first right to food. As if putting up with all the non-sense during the course of the party isn't enough, this guy (possibly in tandem with The Host) had to do all the cleaning-up and dropping off of bodies later.


The Tanker (or so he thinks): Another regular at daru parties. Thinks optimistically that some day 'drinking' will qualify to be a category in Olympics. He challenges everyone to drink more and pulls out of the hole those who are silently skipping pegs. He is also never short of letting lose some venomous remarks on The Non-Drinker for not drinking. Goes without saying that he is also the first one to go down and become a liability for The Host. He would frequently slip into (fake) philosophical mode, touching topics like 'How to keep your wife under control', 'Total recall of the gorgeous school teachers' or 'college time crushes who are now married to someone else and already a mother of two', nothing goes under the radar of this guy. You surely would have run into this kind of guy in daru-parties, you know the one who is barely able to walk at the end but insists: "Gimme the keys, I will drive." Always charged up, like the outermost shell electron (valence electron was it?)

Sri Sri Sri Johnnie Walker ko
 barambar pranam!

The Tanker (real one): As expected, he is just the opposite of his evil twin (the other Tanker). He goes about his business, peg after peg, in a very silent and professional way. No bragging, no challenging, no trash talk, just more daru!


The Romantic: The guy in love! He urges The Singer to let out the most romantic of songs (another favorite of The Singer). Most often than not he tests others' patience (particularly the fake Tanker), with his depressing and thoughtful talks. Although sometimes his deep talks have an opposite effect, bringing out crazy statements (mostly from the fake Tanker guy) like: "You love her right? Let's go, we'll kidnap her !" However, things take an ugly turn when The Romantic, after hours of whining, resorts to watching porn.



About the author: He is a qualified drunk who has already successfully presented a white paper challenging the 'Those who drink go straight to hell' ideology. He could be reached at numerous drinking joints during the weekend and the weekdays.

Understanding the amazing concept of व्यवहार !!

Since I have traveled very little across the length and breadth of our great country, I am not sure how many of you are aware of the word, व्यवहार (surely not my South-Indian friends). So today I will be spoiling my Sunday explaining to you this very dangerous (sometimes life-threatening) phenomenon. व्यवहार has many meanings but the one that I am going to take up today means the cash/kind that you give as gifts to people on pleasant occasions as a token of (generally fake) congratulations, thereby expressing your (surely fake) happiness. For example, you must have noticed some useless Chacha/Tau in wedding receptions, entering in a register 'who gifted what'. Yeah, that's as simply as this concept could be captured.


Now you might be wondering what could possibly be wrong with such a sweet gesture? Allow yours truly to explain using the language of a software engineer since I am kind of in that field (till you are ready to sponsor my book). So here it goes:


Test Case: The 10th standard result of Pappu, the first of seven kids of your neighbor Mr Gupta, is out and against your prediction Pappu Paas Ho Gaya. You and your wife are completely devastated by the kid's success, but since this is a momentous occasion (which every kid is falsely made to believe) you wrap all your bad wishes in a 100 rupees (व्यवहार) and gift it to Pappu with a very heavy heart. Thanks to Mr Gupta's perpetual libido, you continue to follow this pattern with Pappu's other six siblings as well.


Expected Result: When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, the same Mr Gupta (Pappu's pappa), reciprocate with the same amount i.e. 700 rupees, which is consistent with the underlying principle of the concept of व्यवहार , i.e. the total amount of money that changes hands should remain same!


Error Case #1: The most common of errors this one. When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, the same Mr Gupta, reciprocate with 100 rupees, intentionally or unintentionally erring in the fundamentals of व्यवहार that the amount changing hands should be same. 
Side Effect of Error Case #1: You and your wife is being left red-faced. You try to diffuse the situation by bringing in Mr Gupta's Ghajini-like memory as the possible reason but your wife is not convinced. She even proposes to have six more kids to establish some sort of financial equilibrium with that chor Gupta family. However the plan is quickly aborted after considering your physical viability and you guys sleep over the matter after wishing to God that Mr Gupta dies of piles or something.    


Error Case #2: A rookie mistake this one! After 10 years of you gifting a 100 rupees each to all seven of Mr Gupta's kids, your only kid Tinku clears Xth. Mr Gupta, reciprocates with 700 rupees this time but failing to take inflation into count. 
Side Effect of Error Case #2: You notice the slip-up and probably choose to ignore it. But, it hasn't gone undetected under your wife's radar. She finds herself burning from inside. You try to explain her that 'the rate of inflation' doesn't exactly goes hand-in-hand with 'the time to conceive', but to no avail. That ship has already sailed by then. In the next few weeks, you overhear her smart-ass comments whenever the Guptas are in sight: "10 years back we could get the ration for the entire year at the cost that we get for one month now. Oh this inflation!" OR "One can't even buy a decent pencil-box for 100 rupees these days." 


Error Case #3: When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, Mr Gupta is unable to reciprocate due to some genuine reason like Mr Gupta being on a deathbed having entered the terminal stage of a deadly disease OR his house being burnt down forcing him to declare bankruptcy OR one/many of his daughters have fled from the house with same/different neighboring boy(s).
Side Effect of Error Case #3: You guys wait for days for some good news on the व्यवहार front. Following the disappointment, your wife pulls you into a week long analysis of how many people Mr Gupta could have sent the व्यवहार through, if he could not genuinely make it himself. Huge sketches of Mr Gupta's family tree are drawn to depict the possible carriers of व्यवहार. Finally it all ends with your wife justifying why Mr Gupta is in the state that he is.  


Error Case #4: This one's a killer. When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, Mr Gupta, in all his health and happiness, just doesn't turns up to reciprocate. Plain and simple! Just ignores you completely, point-blank right-on-your-face stuff.
Side Effect of Error Case #4: Mr Gupta is dead for your family now. Your kid Tinku even flicks Mr Gupta's nameplate and buries in your backyard, thereby officially celebrating Mr Gupta's pleasant demise. In reality, you guys start walking over egg shells when Guptas are around. Within 24 hours, the entire neighborhood comes to know what kind of a jerk Mr Gupta is. You once again try to calm the storm by attributing this faux pas to Mr Gupta being a Bania, but your rationale backfires on you as you realize, perhaps too late, that your wife's mother's side is also Bania. As a result of this insensitivity on your part, you are awarded a week-long silent treatment with occasional verbal abuses and generously salted meals. By the time you finish your exile and are planning to make an honorable comeback, your wife has already started unearthing any past/current affair that has brought shame to the Gupta household, the ultimate aim being to prove that deceit is in the DNA of Mr Gupta. Things like "No wonder Mr Gupta's father had two wives" OR "Colony people must prohibit Mr Gupta near the hand-pump when women are using it" OR "Why does Mr Gupta's wife only thinks of watering the plants in the balcony at sharp 11 A.M. everyday" OR "Karma will catch up with that SOB sooner than later."


So those were some use-case scenarios that you might find handy once you enter the Grihastha Ashram (aka DeadEnd) phase of your life. Continuing with the explanation of the concept, as our civilization progressed, some wise men got together and decided that giving cash as gifts looks very cheesy (finally!) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the birth of another great practice of 'gifting in kind' (WOW!). 


But pretty soon the women in house found a loophole in the new mechanism as well. For instance, if Mr Gupta gifted a 'Milton ki water bottle' to Mr and Mrs Agarwal on their marriage anniversary then Mrs Agarwal must elbow Mr Agarwal to immediately run to the market and conclude an approximate price of the 'Milton ki water bottle'. Then Mr and Mrs Agarwal wait anxiously for the marriage anniversary of Mr and Mrs Gupta, to gift them a gift of approximately same price. Of-course by then the wretched 'Milton ki water bottle' would have been re-gifted by Mr and Mrs Gupta to somebody else.

Mrs Agarwal re-gifting Milton ki water bottle

As with other good things in life, the very well thought-out concept of 'gifting in kind' too had a couple of issues. First, if somebody gifts you, for instance, a cheap sweater and you are cheap enough to start wearing it too then everytime that gifter sees you in that sweater, you would have to put up with comments like: "Oh! That sweater looks so good on you!" Of-course with the old and austere system of 'gifting in cash', this kind of situation would never have arisen. I mean nobody could come up to you and say, "Oh! That sweater looks so good on you! You must have bought it from the 100 rupees that I gifted you." Second problem relates to the shameful act of re-gifting a gift you received. This act involves helluva precision and careful planning, like the Greeks did before attacking Troy. One mistake here and there, and the gifter ends up seeing his gifted gift in the possession of the person to whom it has been re-gifted and you end up becoming Mr Gupta of Error Case#4.


Such is the robustness of the concept of व्यवहार, that it doesn't only holds good for an occasion like exam results, but is applicable to almost all scenarios which can be related to human society like Raksha-Bandhan, Marriage, Birth of a (legitimate) child etc. It truly has passed the test of time and generations. It has even successfully countered the threat that the roaring prices of gold presented. (One of the clauses of the ideology of व्यवहार dictates that the total amount of gold that changes hands too should be same.) 


So kids, today you learnt about the legendary tradition of व्यवहार. Unlike 'Sati', the practice of व्यवहार has not been abolished, at-least not in my family. You also got a feel of how cheap and shortsighted me, my family and Kanpurians in general are. 


Also now you know, if you are gifting something to Mr and Mrs Nigam then what to expect!!

P.S. Time for diplomatic crap now: The article in no way intends to offend the Guptas/Banias. Some names were to be used to provide more authenticity to the article, that's all. It could well have been Banerjee/Bengali or even Nigam/Kayast! Regarding my jibe on women being involved in everything that is wrong on earth, don't take me lightly. Happy व्यवहारing !! 

Mission Impossible 4: A couple of things to know in advance!

First things first. If you are that rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because Anil Kapoor has a role in it, then you are in for a huge disappointment. Not only is his role laughable and insignificant but it is just a 1-minute role that spreads across a 15-minute segment of the movie. And if you are the brother or close friend of that rare person or simply another such rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because a major chunk of it has been shot in India, then again it is going to be a let-down because I have been told that most of that chunk was actually recreated in Vancouver and Dubai. (Thankfully in that part India was not shown in poor light because after Slumdog Millionaire every-time they utter the word 'India' in any Hollywood movie I will start twisting and turning in my chair). 


However, if you are a smart person like me who wanted to see MI4 just for that one scene sequence in which Tom Cruise scales Dubai's 2700-foot Burj Khalifa building, trust me it's worth it! In fact I would go as far as saying that that one scene sequence churned out more thrill than perhaps the entire Ra-One movie. The view from the top was scary even while watching on a screen and for a person having fear of heights like me, it didn't amount to comfortable viewing. I am sure even Tom Cruise's body double would have refused some part of the scene. Maybe they roped in Tom Cruise's body double's body double! However, some friends told me that Tom Cruise has actually done most part of that scene which is absolutely amazing to me because HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO COME EVEN FOR A SINGLE SHOT TO INDIA!! AND THERE HE IS FOOLING AROUND AT A MUCH RISKIER PLACE. YES, IT WAS ALL BODY DOUBLE IN INDIA. DAMN RACIST!! That is how an extremist would have reacted, not me Sir. NO! I love body doubles. I dig them and idolize them. I am so fond of body doubles that even the posters on my walls are those of body doubles and not originals. In fact I am convinced that a day will soon come when the originals will just come for photo-shoot, promotions or may be just for intimate scenes tops, rest all will be done by body doubles.


So coming back to the original topic of me being very smart, I must say that I was not the only smart guy in that theater as there was one smarter. This guy in the adjacent seat was apparently so sure that the eye balls of the entire crowd will be fixated to the screen during that Dubai building scene that he decided to plant on his gal a kiss, which went on for as long as it would take an Indian elevator to reach the top floor of Burj Khalifa. Probably he was unaware that The Silent Commentator was around (Thanks to my minuscule popularity owing to selfish readers like you). But look at the nerve of that bastard! Must have been planning it ever since he saw that Making Of MI4 clip on Youtube. To pile on, the thought that he could have turned in the wrong direction being panic stricken made me skip my dinner.


Anyway, without digressing any further, I should tell you, that MI4 is not all about thrilling adventure as Simon Pegg keeps throwing in funny punches at pleasantly regular intervals and given the fact that I don't comprehend a majority of what is spoken in English movies without running subtitles, it has to be really funny when I say so. Tom Cruise despite being on the wrong side of 40 looks as dashing as ever. The best part about the movie is it being fast-paced. Of-course I have never been a fan of women in heavy make-up getting into a physical combat with men of monstrous anatomy. Okay may be sometimes they do so, but that mostly involves hurling of a household utensil and definitely not choke slamming men around, doing a lady Kane. But let's overlook that aspect in the spirit of Christmas. (It's funny how it has suddenly dawned upon me that my writing is not exactly helping my family in searching a girl for me.) That abruptly ends my so called review. My Rating - 4/5.

This thing should never come in sight of Punjab
Police. I'm talking about the BMW not
Paula Patton! 

P.S. Just a friendly advice, don't even think that you will someday own that BMW Vision EfficientDynamics car used by Tom Cruise in the movie. I know you will get the naughty thought but NO, no raise or job-hop will get you that. Don't ever believe those stories of Dhirubhai Ambani, Warrenn Buffett making it large. They are just old wives' tales. Therefore, you are advised to drown the feeling of despair (which by the way will appear within 3 seconds from the appearance of the aforementioned naughty thought) in a large peg of some premium scotch the way I did...


P.P.S. It's amazing how every-time I could stretch a couple of relevant points into a (not necessarily decent)article of decent length. There gotta be some kind of award or recognition of some sorts for this art! On a side-note, I am sure someday somebody will report me to some Bollywood related regulatory body for offending some aspect of review-writing. But until the somes remain only somes, spectaculorum procedere debet.

A walk-back to the good old school days that you should not miss!

As a kid I always had a problem in reciting the second line of our Indian National Pledge. I would shout my lungs out during the first line 'India is my country' but would just murmur something insanely during the second line 'All Indians are my brothers and sisters'. It would be funny because I will say that part with eyes on the ground wearing a 'WTF!' expression. But, you can't blame me for that, could you? If you had hots for the girl sitting next to you (thanks to that 1Boy-1Girl sitting arrangement in my school) and the teacher, both at the same time, then one needs to really have a twisted mind to say such an offending thing. Thankfully, I wasn't a psychopath !


Talking about psychopaths, beautiful teachers and girls at school, I always wanted to ask a couple of things from people outside my circle of pervert friends. First, do you also still discuss your gorgeous school teachers sometimes over a conference call with your school-time friends? Second, do you also at times see on the Facebook, pics of gals from your school time and say to yourself with utter guilt 'Oh come-on! How can she turn out to be so beautiful! God surely doesn't exists' ? NO? Great, we are on the same page then as even I don't indulge in such things. Was just a simple inquiry. Now back to the original topic. <<Crowd Alert>>It's going to be a long article, so empty your urinary bladder and empty/fill-up your non-urinary bladders now itself. 


Of-course when we look back now, we laugh at the things which resulted in us getting punished. The teachers, true to their part, believed that punishment would instill discipline in us, perhaps leading to a better life. But if one closely monitors the life trajectory of those who got regularly caned during school days, it would be pretty evident that they aren't exactly heading any World Peace operations at the United Nations now. They are still doing almost the same things, only at a larger level! For instance, one of my friends was once punished in the 7th standard for calling another guy a cabaret dancer. Really! Is it that criminal? But surely the punishment didn't deter him an inch, as he grew up to be the most foul-mouthed guy I have ever come across.


And for all that philosophical fuss, what would the actual punishments be like?
'Write a 1000 times that I will not do such-and-such thing again', which would invariably be written by your elder sibling or parents, whoever is most jobless (by the way did any of you followed my technique of writing all the 'Is' together, followed by all the 'wills' and so on?); 
'Sit between those two gals', which again wouldn't really be a punishment unless you had set really high standards for yourself; 'Get out of the class', again I could see a bunch of silver linings in that one; 'Hold each other's ears', though looks straight out of Dostana script, but would always turn into a laughter riot. The only punishment that I dreaded was when the teachers would make a pony tail out of your hair for keeping your hair  too long. (Would never forget or forgive my Social Science teacher for that)

The pic that fooled us into thinking how
easy our future life was going to be!

Needless to say, not all teachers are devilish. No matter which school you went to, there is bound to be that one lenient teacher whose class everyone used to look forward to. More often than not, this would be your Art or Hindi teacher. I had this Arts teacher who, for three long years, just asked us to practice one drawing. 
Every week he would come and put that traditional fruits-on-a-platter picture over the blackboard and ask us to draw. If that was not enough, we would sometimes ask him to take that pic down so that we could use the butter paper to trace/outline the pic. And his pet dialogue or rather SOS dialogue was 'Why have you made this class a fish-market' !


Examination time was a time when we would always find a thousand ways to screw ourselves. Starting from preparing for the wrong subject i.e. messing up the exam schedule to forgetting to attempt a sub-part of a question, you name it! Some would even discover that there was a second page also in the question paper, but sadly after coming out of the exam hall. But for me, there was just one interesting thing happening in the exam hall and it was that who would ask for an additional sheet for the answers. Boy! That was one poisoned harpoon right into my chest. There was this one gal in our class who would ask for an additional sheet almost within 15 minutes into the exam. The gal's gesture would somehow make other students believe that either they are not doing well enough in the exam or they have mistakenly received the wrong question paper. This would almost immediately push me and my friends into a channel of distress and disbelief and we would start looking at each other as if we saw a ghost, prompting some asking for a glass of water and others an increase in the fan speed. The fact that this gal used to do this in every exam was provoking an inquiry from us. So finally one day we got hold of her answer sheet after the exam only to notice that on our 10 inches wide answer sheet she would draw not just the left margin but also a right margin. Yes, you read it right, a right margin, both 2 inches wide and to pile on our misery she would write in XXL font size. Satisfied with this sensational revelation we breathed a sigh of relief with our self-belief and pride restored.   


There are many more such incidents and characters that I can share, like that one time when one of my classmates trying to reason why he hasn't completed the summer vacation homework said (and figure this out for yourselves): 'Sir, actually I finished the entire assignment, but just one day before the school re-opened, a monkey took my notebook from my room. I chased the monkey, being a disciplined student that you know I am, but it dropped the notebook in a house. If it was some other house, I would have gone and collected it back, but Sir that house was haunted! We are forbidden to enter there'. Goes without saying, what followed that explanation was the most sickening display of a 35-year old man repeatedly jackhammer-ing an innocent and (foolishly)creative eighth grader. 


I must stop here, only for the fear that what I found enjoyable of my school-days might not really ring a bell with you. Maybe a sequel. But would love to hear of any such moments that you might have to share, I am sure there are aplenty!!


P.S. Alright, I know that I have already exceeded both, the max-readable-limit-even-for-the-most-jobless and the max-readable-limit-befitting-an-article-from-a-pathetic-blogger limits in this post, but I don't see that preventing me from mentioning one last and perhaps the most memorable incident of my school life: There was this creepy boy in our class who would lead an extremely reclusive life, wandering around with his hands always in his pockets. He really used to freak us out as even while writing, his one hand will be in the pocket. So this one time, during an exam, the most gorgeous (and the most cocky too if I may add so) teacher not just of our school but perhaps in the history of English-medium schools became suspicious of that weirdo, suspecting a cheating attempt or a possible concealment of a cheating weapon, you know with all that one-hand-in-the-pocket-even-during-writing thing. So she proceeded to frisk him and then came THE moment <cue ominous organ music> when she entered her hand in his pocket. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me have the privilege of telling you something about the high pitched shriek that followed next. Just to give you some idea, that piercing cry is still rebounding among the walls of my (now dilapidated) school. Apparently, the weirdo never used to wear any kind of underclothing and had removed his pockets from inside altogether! Goes without saying that the guy turned into a legend overnight. 


P.P.S. 'Good Riddance' are perhaps the two words you are thinking of. Notwithstanding that, let me assure that if you liked this post even a tad bit, then you would surely enjoy one of my old post on college life:Examination Fever

Potpourri: Cheergirls, Jr.Mallya and Al Qaeda!

Goes without saying that my last post on SRK (Gujaratis' response to Ra.One and much more!) has clearly taken its toll on my blog's popularity with the number of 'likes' getting reduced by approx 30%; even the Gujaratis weren't particularly pleased. But I am okay with it as long as it saved even a single person's ticket money. Some of the readers even went out of their way to mail be about how they feel that I am a sadist and would eventually meet a bitter and lonely end. Nevertheless, as shameless as I am, I will write another post here bombarding you with my observations from different fields of life: 


Cheergirls, Beauties at the cricket ground and the knowledgeable franchise-owners
We all like watching cheergirls at cricket grounds, reasons varying from person to person. But if you look at it, being a cheergirl is still not a recognized form of occupation. Do you really think, that somewhere in Sydney there will be a school girl in her fifth standard telling her mom how she dreams of becoming a cheergirl some day and dance at 48 degrees in Chennai every-time Subramaniam Badrinath hits a four after a prolonged period of watchfulness? Really? Very much like T20 cricket, even being a cheergirl is a stepping stone to reach a more skillful and appreciated form of the same occupation.


Anyway, staying with heat, what are your thoughts on those gorgeous looking girls in the audience that we get to see mainly during T20 matches. Whenever a wicket goes down, their expressions of extreme grief (of-course when the camera is on them) are so intense as if the Father Of The Nation died again and 1857 never happened. I am sure half of these hotties wouldn't be even knowing, at any stage of the match, if their team is doing well or bad, forget about knowing a single foreign player's name featuring in the side they are supporting.


Again staying with pretense, there is no doubt about the fact that Jr.Mallya is easily the most despised man in India at the moment. Any hard working individual automatically seems to develop an unprecedented hatred towards him. I sometimes wonder how much of a cricket match do these franchise owners understand. For example, I am pretty sure that Neeta Ambani comes to an IPL match just to test her biceps strength by lifting cricketers at the end of every match or would it be something like this:

Dad, are you sure you will be able to dive from 
slip and take all my catches? 

Jr.Mallya to his secretary (after the first innings): What do we have to do to win now?
Secretary: Sir, our players have to go out there and score one run more than the opposition has scored and sir its not 'we', its 'them'. You don't have to do anything. Please park yourself on the sofa seat alongside your equally untalented Ms Padukone.


Politics
I feel that in many ways UPA's war against corruption is like Pakistan's war against terror. With an equally pathetic opposition like BJP, Indians at the moment are so confused that they might as well go with whatever Arnab Goswami decides on Newshour. And when we are not suffering from news of corruption, there are these troublesome neighbouring countries. I am not much concerned with Pak cos I'm sure that eventually they are going to blow themselves up as soon as they are done with blocking FB, YouTube, Internet Explorer, Chrome, Mozilla etc. But it is the Chinese that concern me more. Sometimes there conspicuous presence in Pakistan worries me and at other times their bulldoggish presence on the Sino-Indian border intimidates me. This forces me to wonder what percentage of Chinese actually stay in China itself. 


Miscellaneous
By the way did you know that Al Qaeda have their own magazine and its named Inspire. I guess RAW would be really interested to get their hands on the list of Indians who have a subscription of Inspire. So what do you think these Inspire people offer extra on taking extended pre-paid subscriptions? One box of hand grenades free with a 3-month subscription? One all-in-one detonator kit with a 6-month subscription? All three volumes of 'How to become a successful suicide-bomber and stay happy ever after' with a 1-year subscription? Or perhaps a one week free stay in US for sightseeing along with a camera to capture important places as the lucky draw?

The Revenge !

I have stopped writing. It took some time but I finally realised that perhaps writing is not my cup of tea. I mean what better one could expect from a blogger who has read only two novels in his life, both unfortunately being works of Chetan Bhagat. Haven't written anything for the last one month and wasn't planning to do it in future either until this incident, that happened yesterday, provoked me.


I had just come out of the theater after watching the flick 'Rascals' with this friend of mine (Let's call him Mr X). As if the pain 'Rascals' gave to a differentiating cinema connoisseur like me wasn't enough, Mr X did the unthinkable: He asked me how come I haven't written anything for so long. Then I told him how I felt that I am not the best man for this job, if the general feedback is anything to go by. Upon listening to my explanation Mr X had this look of great relief with a tinge of happiness, you know that 'I told you so' kind of vindicative look. Now I must mention at this point of time that I should be, if anything, be thankful to Mr X for at-least caring to notice that I had stopped writing, so I overlooked that expression on his face. But it was when he started to suggest me alternate things I could focus my energy on instead writing, when I really took it to heart. The least the guy could have done is offer me a formal-cum-untruthful expression of commendation like 'Why do you think like that. You should write. Believe me you are good!' 


It was then that I decided that I will write one last article which will be completely meaningless and directionless but not aimless; its aim would be to further torture people like Mr X who despise my writing. Right then, here we go. This article is going to be in the form of points implying some observations from different walks of life that didn't go down very well with me. Mind you, they are completely unrelated to each other and do not make any sense when read in isolation or otherwise:


Politics: Going by the way the UPA politicians are getting stuffed into the prisons I wouldn't be surprised if the govt finally agrees to okay the much awaited 'Jail Reforms'. And it makes sense as well, I mean with people like Kalmadi inside. There is still a section in my payslip which tells me that I paid through my nose for his idea of high hygiene standards, as was demonstrated by the costs incurred in constructing those expensive toilets for CWG. 


Bollywood: I don't know about you, but I being a well-educated (or so I believe) proud Indian (or again so I believe), find it pretty devastating to believe that there is a vague possibility that all my countrymen's safety would be in the hands of a superhero who stammers. That is certainly not my idea of a superhero! I mean, really somehow he just doesn't fits in there. Blame it on some of his past roles or deeds or whatever. And what do you think could explain the rationale behind this superhero operating in foreign countries most of the times? (as concluded by the trailer) I mean was it that the Indians shooed their superhero away or isn't there enough trouble in the country for the superhero to attend to? A brainless politician decides to beat up a few Autowallahs whenever he finds himself slowly drifting out of spotlight and a man with no history of heart attacks enters into a CM's house and comes out coughing out blood before dying within 12 hours of a heart attack; aren't these good enough reasons to attract our superhero's attention? Perhaps not. Perhaps our superhero finds the scenic beauty of London more convenient to show his stunts!


Cricket: What the hell is going on with people today? Akhtar & Afridi criticising Sachin, Chetan Bhagat taking a potshot at Narayan Murthy.. Losers scrutinizing the greats has become a trend is it? I guess it's high time then that I too document some flaws in George Orwell's literary works. Anyway, I heard somebody in media comparing Sachin's criticism by Shoaib to that 'Dogs bark when an elephant passes by' metaphor. Although Shoaib wouldn't object his 'speaking' being compared to 'barking' as it is consistent with the rest of his personality but my pet dog Sheru has taken strong objection to that comparison. He hasn't eaten for 2 days after hearing this as he finds the comparison utterly degrading.


Staying with the story, the 17-for-last-10-years Pakistani cricketer Afridi supported his brother from another mother Shoaib by saying that even he saw, while fielding at square leg, that Sachin used to shiver while facing Shoaib. Well, as long as it puts the food on the platter for our beggar-cum-terrorist neighbors I don't mind but still I would like to say two things here: First, what Afridi refers to as 'shivering' is known as 'Footwork' in cricket terminology, something which of-course he wouldn't be aware of being just a new-comer and 17-yr old n all. Second, if Afridi indeed had this Sanjay-esque eyesight of the Mahabharata fame then where was he when his bowlers were bowling those famous No-Balls ? Food for thought? Although I must say that I await with great anxiety for Afridi's autobiography to come out. It would be the best fantasy book ever!


So who do you guess would be most unhappy with T20 cricket? Dravid? No! It must be Mukesh Ambani. Let me explain. If there were no T20s there would be no IPL and if there was no IPL then Ambani wouldn't be owning the Mumbai Indians team and if Ambani was not owning Mumbai Indians then he wouldn't have to see 15 sweating cricketers on a high protein diet hugging and lifting his wife after every victory. That entire setting is a high testosterone one particularly if one of the individual is Pollard. Sounds too cheesy? Well I am a deeply disturbed individual!


By the way what do you cricket experts have to say about commentators saying: 'He likes to go over the long-on mid-wicket region for the big shots'. My question here is that who doesn't? I mean did you ever hear any batsman saying 'Well, I prefer the third man region to slog! Nothing in the world gives me more confidence than getting down on one knee, close my eyes and hoick that 150 kph delivery behind the keeper'


I have a lot more to say particularly about Arnab Goswami and some ultra-fake and boring aspects of our Bollywood movies, but already the post has become too lengthy and dragging. May be a sequel!


P.S. I think I am happy with my revenge and as they say revenge is a dish best served cold :) But do let me know what do you think about this piece.

Google Maps to use Mayawati statues for directions in Lucknow !

Lucknow. “Head north towards Maya#3899, Turn left at Elephant#23, Pass by the KansiRam#19 and take a final right at Ambedkar#6” was how Google Maps gave directions to Chandru Prasad when he used his Android phone to find out how to reach Pandey Paan Bhandar from his house.
Starting today, Google is planning to use the ever growing statues in the state for the benefit of aam aadmi.
“We have launched our services in Beta stage in Lucknow and we hope to extend these services all over the state once the Indian courts give green signal to Miss Mayawati for completing her statue building projects,” Google CEO told Faking News.
Sources inform that a “statue predictor algorithm” designed by Google engineers had estimated that Lucknow would have a Mayawati statue after every hundred feet by the year 2020.
“This is huge! We don’t even expect street lights or traffic signals cropping up at similar rates; nothing could give a sense of direction in the state better than the statues, and that’s why we decided to incorporate them into our services,” Google CEO explained.

UP CM Mayawati with statues that would give
 directions to the lost citizens in the state

The news has brought an early Diwali for Maya’s supporters in the state capital, and even the Chief Minister herself was happy with the announcement.
“We thank Maanniya Google Ji for taking this noble step that will help the poor people in Uttar Pradesh,” Mayawati read out a prepared statement in a press conference. Later her Chief Secretary informed that the government will provide the required data to Google engineers, and the statues would be meticulously numbered in order to make direction-giving easy and accurate.
Government sources inform that the news has excited Behenji so much that she is planning to build a statue of herself that would be the tallest in the world.
“Taller than the Christ the Redeemer and the Statue of Liberty put together,” a government source informed. Faking News learnt that this proposed tallest statue of Mayawati would be called the “Redeemer of Poverty” symbolizing Maya’s constant concern for the poor.
Besides, the statue will have Mayawati holding an elephant in her right arm, instead of the customary torch. “This is to symbolize her power and stature,” explained the source. Not to mention the other arm will be shown holding her favorite hand-bag.
This decision, as expected, hasn’t gone down well with the Samajwadi Party leaders who have vowed to demolish the statue once they come back to power, even if that means partnering with the BJP for the demolition, while Congress workers are reportedly working on a “counter offensive”.
“They are planning to come up with Gandhi Maps to counter Google Maps; the Gandhi Maps will use all the monuments, offices, roads and other constructions named after Nehru-Gandhi family members as the landmarks for giving directions,” a Congress source revealed.


This post was first published by me on Faking News. Link. 

Zardari requests Hillary Clinton to get him a iPhone when she comes next for a surprise visit to Pakistan!

Islamabad. In the backdrop of Osama killing in Pakistan, US secretary of state Hillary Clinton made a surprise visit of Islamabad last week to discuss America's concerns over terrorism with Pakistan. While the world remains at sea with Pakistan's role in the so called War-On-Terror and its possibility of getting declared a terrorist state, Pakistan president Asif Ali Zardari seems to have a personal agenda of his own.


" Ya ya ya. War on terror, terrorists, Osama, Obama, LeT, JUD, Musharraf, Sharif, India, China, Abbottabad, Islamabad, state actors, non-state actors all that will go on and on. What Pakistan needs at the moment is a little boost on the technology front. Cutting the chase, actually I have been fostering this dream of owning a iPhone for quite some time now. My chief of staff tells me that one can get a iPhone for quite less in US, so I have requested Hillu to get one for me whenever she plans to surprise visit us next,"said Zardari who bought his last phone Nokia 1100 at 10% discount on becoming the president.


It is to be noted that the latest phone to hit the Pakistani market is MotoRazr so one understands Zardari's decision to stamp his authority through acquiring an iPhone. Although Zardari had been once gifted a iPhone in the form of a surprise package dropped at his doorstep but he burnt the handset owing to its logo of a chewed apple, thinking it to be a sick joke from RAW.


" I know getting iPhone from US could pose some jailbreak problem. But then you can ask any living soul on the face of the earth about the country which has the expertise in jailbreak area, it is us! Besides it will give me an opportunity to be always on-the-go," said a winking Zardari who uses 'iPhone' and 'iPad' interchangeably in his conversations. That last statement caused anxiety and worry in the Obama administration which has already been through a painful ordeal of chasing Osama bin Laden for almost a decade.

Zardari before receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

" We acknowledge receiving a iPhone request from the Pakistani president. Although the Congress has opposed the idea but we have decided to meet Pakistan's demands with this one as well," said the US state department spokesperson confirming receiving the request.


No sooner was this announcement made by the US, the Pakistani nation went into a celebration mode, swamping the streets with burning placards of Nokia 1100. Singing and dancing they celebrated the single biggest achievement in the political career of their president. The entire political caravan including the likes of Dawood reached the president's 1BHK mansion with a crate of half a dozen apples in a show of appreciation.

Zardari after receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

Completely over the cloud, Zardari was short of breath as he said," This accomplishment marks a historical day for Pakistan. I appreciate the graciousness showed by the US. They even went out of their way to ask me if I wanted iPhone 3 or 4 ? Ha Ha Ha.. But I turned down their offer gracefully saying what will I do with so many iPhones. One is enough for me." Zardari paused to count the number of apples in the crate and continued, " Looks like our relationship with America dates back to stone age. In fact my secretary has just informed me that US has even sent me some list and I can bet my bottom dollar that it would be the list of tariff plans for me to choose from as I had also asked for an AT&T connection."

So while the entire Pakistani nation wait for their president to wake up to the alarm tone of iPhone and save the country, one thing is for sure: If you don't have an iPhone, well, you don't have an iPhone!

On a Train of Thoughts with a one-way Ticket to Hell!!

Today I am going to talk to your soul. Yes. I’ll talk to a deeply disturbed soul which must frequently have undergone the horrors of travelling in an Indian train. I’m sure, when you finish reading this piece of writing, you’ll end up satisfied and relieved, realizing that you are not the only one who has suffered. Let’s see if the trains of our thoughts collide.

Where It All Begins: Since you are going to read about Indian trains for the next hundred lines, so why not start with this very important place. The platform. It is to a train what nose is to Himesh Reshammiya. If you have ever been outside the Indian subcontinent, then the sight of an Indian railway platform will suck all your patriotism. And it’s not going to help even more if the platform in question belongs to UP or Bihar, because then not only will you watch a free-for-all show of Slumdog Millionaire, but also you’ll be amazed to see the number of shapes and colours that human faeces could be in.

Getting In: If there is a woman involved in the travelling group, then within minutes of the start of journey, you’ll witness Tupperware utensils all over the compartment. The pooris are out and so are the pickles, and all of a sudden you get a feeling as if you are sitting around some stranger’s dining table. You would really prefer a root canal than being there. And don’t they really test your patience when they offer you to join them? Aren’t these the same people who counsel their children not to eat anything a stranger offers?

The Old Brigade: Your worst nightmare comes true when you are surrounded by old people in your compartment. Following are their typical irritating characteristics:

A) Old people are very good at initiating a conversation even though they are as welcomed by you as gay Jews in Nazi Germany. The chit-chat will invariably lead to discussions about the ills prevailing in the society, and the measures which these old jerks think need to be taken. Sooner or later, politics will be thrown into the mix and you have an entire unique show of News Hour minus Arnab on your hands.

B) If in case you missed out on the menu while the food was being served, these old nutjobs will ensure you realise the menu with their very frequent and noisy belches. If you haven't already smashed your head against the window grill , then let the clock strike twelve and you get an unpleasant menu reminder in the form of farts. It has always amazed me why old people don’t feel ashamed of farting in public. Age can do some really weird things you see.

C) Cellphone: That’s a killer isn’t it? Starting from forgetting to put the phone in silent mode to yelling at high pitches, a cellphone, according to me is one single machinery which is crying to be smashed. By the time your painful journey ends, you would probably have been well-acquainted with all the relatives of the people in your compartment inside out.

D) Did you ever have the privilege of experiencing an oldie complaining about the AC being too cold and therefore getting it switched off ? Oh, for the love of God!! You will wish if your hand was a Thor’s hammer so you could smash that oldie’s empty hollow cranium and feed his bone marrow to a pig.

E) Early to bed and early to rise. I know you have never followed this but you wouldn’t have realized how others following it could become such a pain in the ass for you. All your celebrations of getting a lower berth will be slashed to naught when the oldie decides to get down from his upper/middle berth at five in the morning and demand from you a parking place for his hips. It is then that you feel like putting the oldie in a casket and start bench pressing with it.

F) Then there will be this one oldie who will be sitting at the window with a knife in his hand like a monkey, buying all fruits on offer and gulping them, making you think that the evolution of humans from apes could really have been skipped.

G) If you have surpassed all of the above disasters and feeling at the top of the world then just remember that the oldie has not yet taken his shoes off. There is not enough voltage in the world that can now electroshock you back into coherence.

The Trick: No. We are not talking about anyone turning tricks inside a train, not that it doesn’t happen, but tell me what is the first thing you check after getting a train ticket? An upper berth? Lower berth? No. That comes second. First thing that you check is the berth number because, that in turn will foresee the enjoyment quotient for the rest of your journey. The further away you are from the washroom, the higher are the chances you will come out of that train breathing normal. Now you might wonder, if just sitting close to a washroom can be so catastrophic, then how does a personuse one. I’ll help you out. Keep your eyes and ears open and noses closed. Be on a lookout for any chick going to the washroom and you enter as soon as she leaves. With all the perfumed toiletries that they use, you will indeed enjoy using the washroom immediately after them.

The Lowly Struggle: Now as sun starts setting in, pulses of those old plus fat ladies start racing. Of course they have been allotted the upper berth which has started looking like a Mt Everest to them. So now the begging session starts, in which you will be convinced of your youth and fitness, so much so that you’d like to get an admission to college once again. In return goes your lower berth.

The Test: Your train compartment, no matter how filthy and stinky it is, turns into a high testosterone area if you are an unmarried person, and you happen to have a newly-wed couple next to you. Really!! It’s a test. A test so testing that even Sita would have floundered. Your heart pumps and pupils dilate on each and every move, no matter how normal, the couple makes. First time in your life you realize the significance of having a 6/6 vision.

Money vs Masculinity: Whenever the fairer sex complains of inequality between men and women, they don’t realize the trauma we men undergo when a bunch of eunuchs get into the train. We men have tried everything, from faking sleep to hiding inside the washrooms but there is no escaping. Some even went to the extent of faking their own sexual orientation. Now don’t even get me started on what they do to you if you refuse to pay them. Arre Mere Raja…

The Luggage Family: I swear to God that I am going to change my name to Ravindra Jadeja if this one never happened to you. A long train trip is incomplete without that one family which jumps into the train with so much luggage, as if the entirecontinent has got a job transfer. They come like a storm and start jamming in their luggage not just under their berth but at times even to the adjoining compartments. Not to mention, you’re not going to find your footwear when your urinary bladder is about to break the Hooke’s law of elasticity.

The Chaiwala Tragedy: Believe me, it is nothing short of a tragedy. A tragedy so tragic that even Jalliawala will appear a celebration of peace. Just imagine a situation when you haven’t got sleep all night because of some/all of the factors mentioned above, it’s almost dawn and you are finally getting some sleep and BANG! You hear a loud cry piercing your eardrums ‘Chai‘. Oh, the humanity! Nothing can top that. Or wait a minute! How about if you are not even a Chai-drinker?

This article was first published by me on News That Matters Not. Here is the Link