Movie Review: Jab Tak Hai Jaan - Let's share the pain!

Ok this is going to be a quick and short one, in one single-shot, no edits, no rethinks, so pardon any typos, grammatical or otherwise, as the subject of this post is far from being flawless.

I was about to go to sleep but there was a feeling of restlessness, something was amiss. After 2 seconds of deep thinking I realized it was the movie 'Jab Tak Hai Jaan' that I watched today which was not letting me sleep, which is quite strange because it literally chloroform-ed me into sleep many a times while the show was on. It had frustrated me to no end. So much so that I decided to come out of my retirement from writing movie reviews.

So here it goes, in a step-by-step fashion I will point out some of the goof-ups. I may miss some of them as for most of the part either I was sleeping or was waking up my friend from sleep or convincing him to 'let's get out of here'. Some of my time was also consumed in noticing that how many people are leaving the theater and at what point in the movie. Best was one Telugu family of 7 members which left within the first 15 minutes; surely they got the wrong screen, King of Bollywood cannot be that bad !

Sri Sri Sri Bomb Disposal Baba.

1) Movie starts with our dear SRK being shown as a member of garbage  bomb disposal squad who goes about his job without wearing any protection gear. Of-course he does wears fancy sunglasses and biker gloves cos Yashji wanted it to be that way. Thanks to his habit of smoking, SRK has already diffused 97-98 bombs with trembling fingers, thus earning him the title of 'Man who cannot die'. No No No ,don't take a deep breath now, time for that will come. Now is the time to sit back and laugh loudly for at-least 5 minutes.

2) On not even noticing carefully, one could easily observe that everytime SRK diffuses a bomb he is wearing a very expensive looking (probably Tag Heuer) watch. Of-course it's not a hidden secret that Indian Army pays its soldiers in millions of dollars.

3) Anushka Sharma enters the movie with a scene in which she is drowning in a small still lake. After half an hour she reveals to SRK that she is a national level swimmer and a deep-sea diver. Now that the Olympics riddle of India is solved, you can take a deep breath.

4) Anushka needs to make a documentary on 'Man who cannot die' (lol), so she is allowed to romance around the 'Man ..' while the 'Man ..' is busy diffusing bombs in the bomb-laden valleys of Leh.

5) Movie takes us into a flashback in London, where (time to sit and read) SRK is a 25 year old. By that calculation of time, Anushka's father would still be planning to propose her mother.

6) While in London, SRK works in a small time fish shop and in the free time, begs around the street by playing guitar and singing. Of-course that doesn't stops him from wearing some of the most scintillating outfits (Thanks to Yashji).

7) One of the customers of SRK's macchi-dukaan gets impressed for god-knows-what reason, and offers him the job of a waiter in a posh restaurant where SRK works in such groomed suit and wet-hair-combed-backwards as if he is just about to walk the red carpet at the Oscars (A distant possibility in real life).

8) It is at this posh restaurant only where the 25-year old SRK meets Kats (probably fresh out of the womb) and they hit it off. SRK takes no time to plant a kiss on Kats, something which I believe he originally did this movie for. Take that Salman, it's revenge time !

9) SRK meets a accident and is critical when Kats promises Jesus that if SRK survives then she will never meet him again. Normally an absurd logic but goes along well with this movie. Also Kats is shown a Punjabi but she visits churches on a strict basis.

10) When SRK regains consciousness, he gets completely pissed off (who wouldn't) with Kats newly made promise with Jesus: 'I'm ready to live without him if he is alive'

11) So SRK decides to prove Kats' concept wrong and joins Indian Army where he will play with danger on a daily basis. Of-course SRK could have eaten rat poison or jumped in front of a rushing train to prove the point, but that would have cut the movie short by approx 2.5 hours and we wouldn't have been made to pay for our sins of this life in this life!

12) Movie returns to the original story with the 'Man ..' diffusing bombs all over the place. Now, Discovery channel asks Anushka that for the documentary to be accepted they need to do some sort of phony fact-check. Of-course they could have sent a team for the authentication to Leh where SRK Baba used to reside but then how would have SRK traveled back to London.

13) So SRK goes to London and guess what, meets another accident. Good thing SRK doesn't stays in Kanpur. Anyway, so he suffers some sort of stupid memory condition in which (if you have gotten up then please be seated again) he has traveled back in time when he met the first accident, so essentially he has forgotten all about Anushka and thinks that his pairing with Kats is still on. Doctor asks Kats to comply accordingly and requests Anushka to get lost! You can stop reading at this point now if you want and I won't blame you.

14) So SRK and Kats start living like a happy couple and I think during this time, (if I wasn't asleep) SRK plants another one on Kats, to the utter dismay of Sallu. However, Kats was still stuck up with her promise to Jesus of not marrying SRK.

15) Kats is fed up by now and decides to quit the drama even after the doc pleads her not to do so. Of-course the doc is of Indian origin, wasn't that obvious in our movies? Anyway so the doc asks Anushka to appear back as this may bring the bastard's memory back. If at this point of time, you are asking yourself that SRK had seen Anushka after the 2nd accident, so if it didn't work then then how will it work now, then you don't know much about medical science so just shut up and read.

16) The pain could have ended here but Yashji had other plans. So one day SRK was at a metro station where there was a stampede owing to a bomb inside the train. Now please be brave for reading the next 2 lines. So, that bomb scare immediately brings SRK's memory back, making him recall the days when he was diffusing bombs like putting out past year leftover Deepawali-chakarghinnis. So SRK plunges into action right away, pushing away the crowd to diffuse the bomb in the presence of UK policemen. This is the same guy who gets stripped off in every international airport on a day-to-day basis, but in the movie, the UK POLICE ALLOWS A BROWN MAN TO COME NEAR A BOMB.

17) So now that SRK has regained his memory and with Kats not willing to change her promise, he decides to return to Indian Army (Yes, you can come and go anytime there) to play around with IEDs.

It was déjà vu all over again as I felt that I was watching Tara serial on Zee Tv which if I'm not mistaken completed 1000 episodes until Zee Tv itself got bored and blocked it I think. I left the theater at that point so not sure what happened at the end. Probably, Kats and Anushka married each other or whatever. Anyway, if you are a SRK fan, then you must be thinking that what kind of a loser I am who has nothing better to do in life. As true as that is, that's not the point. The point here is that our heads hang with shame, when we see the movies of Hollywood greats and compare them with SRK's (assumedly a Bollywood great). Also, I must shamelessly admit that my respect of a great film-maker has nosedived.

So that was it. A review after a long time, but JTHJ literally begged for it. Hopefully, I will not be needed to write another review. What? Dabangg2 is approaching?  

Review-Cocktail: It's a cocktail of highs and lows !

First of all, I didn't watch Agent Vinod, but based on the feedback, I wouldn't blame those who are not ready to risk another Saif Ali Khan flick released in such close proximity to Agent Vinod. But fortunately that's not the case with Cocktail. It is truly a cocktail of some ROFL and some ultra-boring-and-slow scenes. Goes without saying that it is an impractical movie. I mean for people like Indians, who witness on a daily basis, at-least ten guys running after one half-decent gal, the fact that Saif was living with two such stunning (not to mention taller) chicks itself is a hypothetical situation. 

Nevertheless, the first half of the movie is genuinely funny, barring the first 15 minutes perhaps, which looked like part of some documentary 'Life Of A Punjaban In London'. To pile on, a very old-looking Saif delivering cliched lines like 'You believe in love at first sight ya main fir se ghoom kar aaun' didn't help the movie's cause. But if you survived the first 15 minutes then there is an incentive to follow. Enter Boman Irani and the movie turns watchable right away. He partners with Saif in the first half to create real magic producing some genuinely hilarious stuff. Boman was so good in the movie that for once I was tempted to forgive him for doing 'Shirin Farhad Ki Nikal Padi' with Farah Khan.


A well-played out role by Saif doesn't covers the fact that at nearly 42 years of age, with his daughter about to debut herself, he doesn't exactly looks a lady-killer anymore but what the heck! If a good-looking policeman like Chulbul Pandey could draw water from Champakal(handpump) then why go against Saif, after-all the guy treats women of all ages equally in real life too (No pun intended). Diana Penty looked gorgeous in her debut film although at 5'10 she has all but lost her opportunity to work with the holy trinity of Bollywood. But that in no way takes anything away from her for having a very interesting name. 


A 2-2.5/5 movie, Cocktail is a time-pass at best. However if you want to make it an enjoyable watch then the trick is to just watch the first half and after that race towards the exit door with the speed of a software engineer who rushes towards the printer after giving his payslip for print.

P.S. Secret of the movie: After this movie, Deepika Padukone becomes the first Indian girl to kiss both the guy and his mother. Or perhaps the second as Poonam Pandey has not left out anything!
P.P.S. Before the start of the movie, misfortune struck me when I saw the trailer of Shirish Kunder's 'Joker'. SRK was right in slapping this man!

Gangs of Wasseypur : Could be your new favorite !

I generally write review of a movie, in which I can find some absurdities or which is out-rightly ridiculous (like this review of Ra-One), but Gangs of Wasseypur is going to be an exception here, after-all it was an exceptional movie. Is it the most enjoyable movie of our times? The answer to it depends on which state you are from because only then could you understand, co-relate and enjoy the dialogues and situations in the movie. If you are from UP/Bihar then this could definitely be the one as it would run through you all the cheesy punch lines that you would have heard in your school/college time but might have forgotten now, living in the concrete jungles of metropolitan cities running the IT circus.


But make no mistake, after watching Gangs of Wasseypur, those few who had doubts about the potential of Manoj Bajpayee's acting potential would realise what they have been missing so far. Serious movie-buffs always knew the gold in him. This could well be the turning point of Manoj Bajpayee's acting career albeit the actor has delivered some fine performances in the past. I remember listening to his interview on FM a couple of years ago, in which he narrated how he fled from his home to the tinsel town to become Amitabh Bacchhan. I am sure, both Manoj and Big B will be proud of this memorable performance.

कह के ले ली मनोज बाजपाई नें

Coming to the movie itself, don't be surprised if you loose track of the plot, because of the duration of the movie or the complex family tree depicted, but not for a single moment will you feel disconnected despite it being a 2 hour 40 minutes affair. Each and every dialogue, and let me tell you again in bold and capital, EACH AND EVERY DIALOGUE of Gangs of Wasseypur is legendary, an absolute joy.  The ease with which Manoj Bajpayee had carried himself throughout the movie, delivering both utterly heartless crime scenes as well as ridiculously humorous scenes is commendable. The funny manner in which he defends himself when his wife catches him cheating on her and the way he woos his to-be second wife Reema Sen was ROFL material. Needless to mention, after watching a string of silly remakes, Gangs of Wasseypur was a huge sigh of relief for a movie lover like me. 


A look at the star-cast for this movie is enough to promise you quality acting performance. Nawazzudin Siddiqui who was brilliant in Kahaani as Inspector Khan was equally good here again if not better. In him Bollywood has surely found a Naseeruddin Shah for the future. Piyush Mishra with his lyrics, music and acting is sure to remind you of his earlier Gulaal, which was another fabulous movie. 


If watching the movie was not fun enough, the crowd's running commentary was the icing on the cake. Of-course the public nature of this blog doesn't allows me to mention those comments here but the one that I could mention here is 'Abey yeh to alu bum rahe Diwali-wala'. I could not recall how many times I was in splits listening to the dialogues going on the screen and off it.


A definitely 4.5/5 movie, Gangs of Wasseypur is a must must watch, although it is highly recommended that you choose your company to the movie with due care and diligence. Yes, very soon some mindless SRK/Akshay Kumar movie will hit the theaters, which will make crore of rupees and all this will be forgotten, but until then let's enjoy the quality that Manoj Bajpayee-Anurag Kashyap showcases in Gangs of Wasseypur. 


P.S. Don't forget to watch this movie for the second time on your personal computer in peace, because it's impossible not to miss some dialogues in the theater with the crowd clapping and laughing like crazy.

Rowdy Rathore: A surprisingly safe-to-watch Akshay Kumar movie !

First of all, let me tell you that it's never easy to go out and watch a Akshay Kumar flick, particularly when you haven't watched 12 of his last 13 ones. Lucky me! Nevertheless, I undertook this high risk task so that you know what's coming at you and I must say that I was pleasantly rewarded. Rowdy Rathore which has two male actors in Akshay Kumar and Sonakshi Sinha is most certainly a one time watch. Although the movie as a whole is far from jaw-dropping, but some dialogues/scenes are genuinely humorous albeit corny. A definite 3.5/5 !


As usual, I would not get into the technicalities of the movie, but just point out certain things which I found disturbingly amusing. The points ahead will serve as spoilers, but don't worry, it's not like you are missing on some Oscar winning flick.


1) Akshay Kumar, following the hot trend of a moustache sporting police officer with Ray Ban Aviator sunglasses, is in a double role in the movie. One is a police officer who is murdered and replaced by another one (not by villain) after days or weeks or even months later by the other Akshay Kumar who happened to be, surprise surprise, a petty thief! Of-course in such cases nobody in the police department cares to find about the officer in the days he was missing. But I guess, that's okay. Stranger things have happened in Bollywood movies (Reference: RaOne). But the more essential point here is that where are these good-looking and supremely fit policemen coming from. This piece of news although seems to paint a different picture.


2) Now you must not be thinking that how was the policewala Akshay Kumar murdered. Well, it's simple. He fights and kill some 100 goons and dies in the process. But that's the usual prowess of a Bollywood hero. The unusual part is that the policewala Akshay Kumar was suffering from some rare kind of brain condition which he acquired while he was being, guess what, shot in the brain !! Stop laughing and read ahead, there is plenty more. So because of this acute brain condition, the policewala Akshay Kumar sometimes feels dizzy while jack-hammering goons (The movie even zooms his brain and shows the particular cell which bleeds). So now what does our hero do? He just puts some water on his head and regains original composure and pummels another 20-30 goons. Ya, that's it! Simple, isn't it? A knife stabbed in the back, a harpoon in the chest, a couple of bullets here and there is not a problem, Dispirin will take care of that. 

A rare event in Bollywood movies where more
 than one goon attacks the hero. Ofcourse they
 were all blown away after exactly half a second.

3) This is an old one. Our hero manhandles atleast a dozen of goons who ofcourse attack him one by one. Even Lord Rama, with his favorite arrow (the one that emits fluorescent light), cannot do this after reading all his and Ravana's mantras, combined !! And in the songs, our heroine as usual makes an entry by running down in he stairs in one direction, while the support dancers in the background run in the opposite direction. Not to mention, that there will always be a strong velocity westerly wind blowing towards her face. Didn't you ever notice how the poor background dancers are made to wear such dull dresses to highlight our heroines? If the directors had it their way, they would chop of the ears and noses of these dancers just to make our heroine look acceptable. Although, one might argue that Sonakshi Sinha, with her physique, doesn't needs any highlighting.


4) This one is for all the ladies out there. So ladies, what if a young (well, not exactly) and good-looking (again, not exactly) guy like Akshay Kumar flirts with you and even tell you that he is a petty thief? You find a problem with him being a thief, not even a standard gangster which in turn would have atleast guaranteed you some kind of glamour? Well, our Sonakshi Sinha certainly didn't have a problem with that:


Sonakshi Sinha: "Yeh to batao, ki tum karte kya ho?"
Chorwala Akshay Kumar: "Chor hun. Choti-moti chori karta hun."
Sonakshi Sinha: "Theek hai. Lekin vaada karo ki ab chori nahi karoge."


Theek hai!! Theek hai?? Sala yahan Software Engineer bolo to koi ghaas bhi nahi daalti hai aur Chor k liye Theek Hai !!


Now I must stop, as depression has taken over my passion (a word I use very loosely) of writing. Ciao!!

Movie Review-Agneepath: Don't worry it's not about the IndAus series!

How much would you like this movie? It depends upon how recently have you seen the original 1990 Agneepath. So to derive an Argus-Report like conclusion, I re-watched the original immediately after the re-make. My rating of the re-make went down from 4/5 to 3/5 without having to sit on the horns of dilemma! I know comparison with Amitabh of Agneepath could not be justified as fair but that is one risk you always take while making remakes. Isn't it? Having said that, if you know me then you also know that I never back away from giving credit when it's due: Sanjay Dutt in his role of Kancha Cheena was absolutely breathtaking mostly due to the getup. If I was one feet taller and a 50 Kilos heavier, I would also look like him as I already have those dark circles. The guy's face almost covered the entire screen with a Batista-like neck. Don't be surprised if he gets a call from the Ramsay brothers for their next assignment.


But unlike the Agneepath series happening in Australia, in the movie, the good actually triumphed over the evil. The only objectionable part I found was Vijay Chauhan's eye color changing from black to green after 15 years. But since the same thing happened to Hrithik in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, I would let that go. We can always cut some slack for Bollywood. For instance, in the movie through out there are black clouds and rain everywhere. Where is this kind of weather in India? Wherever it is, I think it could be a perfect place to conduct the next India-Australia cricket series. Agneepath my ass!! (Pardon my anger over our cricket team which forced me to digress.)

Of-course the movie has other regular Bollywood idiosyncrasies. For once I want to see an actual person dying by a gunshot. Just to clear my doubts regarding how much time it really takes for a normal person to die of a gunshot. It will help me personally a lot as everytime I see the hero being shot for a dozen times in the chest but still going about his business in a routine fashion, it disturbs my hand-eye-ear-urinary-bladder-intestine co-ordination forcing me to use loo asap. I guess it's also a time to spare a thought for the gangsters all around the country who would find themselves in the soup about their physique after seeing Hrithik in Agneepath. Although our government has taken the guarantee of Abu Salem and Kasab's good health but I find it really difficult to visualize Dawood Ibrahim doing push-ups after watching the flick. 

Look at those arms! (Courtesy:Facebook)

Coming back to the actual movie, as sure as I am that 99% of the people want to watch the movie just to see Sanjay Dutt in that deadly role, a pleasant surprise awaits for one and all in Rishi Kapoor who pulls off probably the role of his life. As expected, Priyanka Chopra with her Ambrose-like lips has no impact on the movie whatsoever with the importance of actresses in Bollywood continuing to dip. As always, Hrithik is sincere in his part with his eyes red through out the flick but somehow I don't agree with that Greek-God-like look for every role. I would be personally very interested to see how he would take up a role of a village farmer ploughing fields with these looks. But I guess that's the compromise we have agreed to.
  
A special mention about the 'Chikni Chameli' song. As mindless and unwarranted as the song was in the context of the movie, one could easily realize seeing it that the choreographer was given specific instructions by the director to make full use of the high cost paid to Katrina for the song. Some of the dance-steps were straight out of the Jhinga-La-La-Hu-Hu club!


All in all Agneepath is a deserving one time watch even though at-least 15 minutes too long. It has no good songs but for the 'Abhi Mujh Mein Kahin' song sung by Sonu Nigam (Yes, I am caste biased). By the way where was the Macroman character in the movie that they have been talking about in the Rupa ad?

Don2: How it changed my life and would certainly change yours!!

Unlike everyone else (except for the Don2 team which kept congratulating each other over twitter all day), I am not going to completely dismiss Don2 as waste. Reason? Actually two of them: Firstly, Don2 has opened my eyes about life. It has forced me to look at the life from a new prism of reality. I think now it's high time that I get married and settle in life. After-all how long will this continue? Watching senseless movies, writing uncalled-for reviews, maintaining a rejected blog. It has to stop somewhere. Thanks SRK! I would definitely invite you to my marriage to dance but that is subjected to the dowry I get, so until something materialises on that front, please take care of your materialistic needs by conning the innocent people of my otherwise a very bright country.


Second reason is that I have started respecting my software engineering job a lot more now. No, it has nothing to do with Lara Dutta's role in the movie. Actually, while watching the movie I developed an instant sympathy for the bootlegger who would be sitting alert somewhere in the corner, recording Don2 secretly with a hidden handycam. Spare a thought for the guy, he has to go out later and convince others to buy that pirated CD. It would be like falling in a ditch of manure and then convincing somebody to lick you clean. Now that is Mission Impossible 5!!


Now you might be thinking that what kind of a Satan's secretary I am, spitting venom all around on Christmas. But then you see while 'you' happy people have everything in life and still hang Christmas stockings outside to receive even more gifts, I, like all other days in life, had put the same bloody milk coupon in the same bloody plastic bag. So don't expect the spirit of Christmas to be any kind of deal sweetener in this review.


Anyway, let me leave my psychotic-in-nature personal problems and start with the review. Don2 opens with a scene in which our hero fights single-handedly (ofcourse weaponless), with what I think was an entire island of shotgun laden gangsters. Isn't that's something he was supposed to do as G.One, instead of blowing flour on 'our' bebo and occasionally becoming a PSPO fan for her. But we shouldn't out-rightly blame SRK for that because the fact is that the 'number of villains a hero can pummel' increases as you start descending south from New Delhi. I am not too sure what is the state of affairs regarding this in SriLanka, but then if you look at it, may be Arjuna Ranatunga can indeed ...No..No..bad thought. 


Not allowing me to digress any further, I must say that the first half of the movie was still tolerable despite being woefully slow for a thriller. Add to that, it was only after a good 30 minutes into the movie, I realised that my 3D glasses were not actually a working pair at all, not that I regret missing on something when I look back now. So I have to wait till the intemission to give the theater management a taste of my 'Kanpur Dialect' and get a new pair of 3D glasses. In retrospect, I think it shouldn't have mattered much as even with a working pair of 3D glasses, the movie sucked big time which brings me to:<cue Newshour music> "The question tonight is that why did these numbskulls have to release Don2 in 3D. Tonight the nation needs an answer!" Really, what could possibly be the reason? If you ask me releasing Don2 in 3D just meant adding another dimension of trash. And you call me a sadist!!

The conman is back!!

I think with this habit of digressing at every juncture, I will never be able to become a good movie-reviewer! For the nth time coming back to the movie, real trouble started brewing in the 2nd half in which even an ignorant fool like SRK realised that there isn't exactly a buckload of thrill in the so called thriller. So what did the King of Bollywood do? He falls back on his Yash-Raj-production-house inspired romantic style of acting. Trust me if you are a fan of romantic SRK, there are some pleasant surprises for you in store. But really, it was at this point that I completely lost it. Even some college students (unwitting as we all are at that age) who cheered SRK's entrance in the movie started mocking him. I mean, just imagine Don, whom municipal vans police of 11 countries are chasing, starts fighting for a police officer. No need to re-read, you read it right in the first place: 'For a police officer' and not 'Against a police officer'. In-fact I even think for those parts in the movie where SRK and Priyanka Chopra were really falling in love, the background music became serenely romantic. May be they roped in Jatin-Lalit for those parts or maybe I misheard. Try to understand, my sense of proportion had deserted me by then. I should have taken my clue from seeing the people coming out of the earlier show. They looked like as if they paid some concentration camp a forceful visit. And as if the movie was not already torturing enough by then, in the last scene they show SRK sir riding a bike with registration no "Don 3". I almost kicked the seat in my front seeing that. Do you all know what that means? Do you realise the gravity of this? I think those old crazy science people who keep saying that in 2012 world will come to an end are indeed true.



The saddest part of all however remains, that despite all the Cartoon Network logic of the movie, even this will make millions of bucks just out of SRK's name. I guess like my friends who share my articles on FB even without opening it, SRK too has a blind following (Ofcourse the comparison is not to scale).


My rating: 3/5. You might be wondering why even 3? Honestly, SRK looked really cool in some parts with that beard and few of the SRK punches were actually funny, particularly while he was flirting with Miss Chopra. But this again is the reason why only 3 and not more. Arre Chacha-jaan, this was supposed to be a thriller and NOT a comedy/romantic movie!! Besides the new Don repeats that 'Don ko pakadna..' dialogue just too many times. Just say it once and shut up!! We all know the dialogue. AB's single swivel in the chair was enough in the original movie but SRK has to do all the catwalk, 'D' tattooing , curving eyebrows to medically dangerous limits to convince. I rest my case on the difference in class here. 


Perhaps the movie could be best summed up by one single line that my friend said: Don2 se paise wasoolna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai!!


P.S. I must say that all these Sibal's siblings are doing one heck of a job at the Health Ministry. Until I watched the movie, I really couldn't guess from watching Don2 songs on music channels, what was that thing that SRK was holding between his lips with smoke emitted all around and a lighter in the other hand. Really tricked!! 
P.P.S. If you found the article worthless owing to its length then you must understand that a big star like SRK deserved more words. If you found the article worthless owing to it being un-researched/senseless then you must question your own judgement which landed you on this blog in the first place. However if you feel that the article was worthless owing to the author being biased, then my friend you are absolutely right!
Ok, now to hell with SRK and you all, I have an office to attend to in the morning. Samsung doesn't pay me to write movie reviews. GN!!

Mission Impossible 4: A couple of things to know in advance!

First things first. If you are that rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because Anil Kapoor has a role in it, then you are in for a huge disappointment. Not only is his role laughable and insignificant but it is just a 1-minute role that spreads across a 15-minute segment of the movie. And if you are the brother or close friend of that rare person or simply another such rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because a major chunk of it has been shot in India, then again it is going to be a let-down because I have been told that most of that chunk was actually recreated in Vancouver and Dubai. (Thankfully in that part India was not shown in poor light because after Slumdog Millionaire every-time they utter the word 'India' in any Hollywood movie I will start twisting and turning in my chair). 


However, if you are a smart person like me who wanted to see MI4 just for that one scene sequence in which Tom Cruise scales Dubai's 2700-foot Burj Khalifa building, trust me it's worth it! In fact I would go as far as saying that that one scene sequence churned out more thrill than perhaps the entire Ra-One movie. The view from the top was scary even while watching on a screen and for a person having fear of heights like me, it didn't amount to comfortable viewing. I am sure even Tom Cruise's body double would have refused some part of the scene. Maybe they roped in Tom Cruise's body double's body double! However, some friends told me that Tom Cruise has actually done most part of that scene which is absolutely amazing to me because HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO COME EVEN FOR A SINGLE SHOT TO INDIA!! AND THERE HE IS FOOLING AROUND AT A MUCH RISKIER PLACE. YES, IT WAS ALL BODY DOUBLE IN INDIA. DAMN RACIST!! That is how an extremist would have reacted, not me Sir. NO! I love body doubles. I dig them and idolize them. I am so fond of body doubles that even the posters on my walls are those of body doubles and not originals. In fact I am convinced that a day will soon come when the originals will just come for photo-shoot, promotions or may be just for intimate scenes tops, rest all will be done by body doubles.


So coming back to the original topic of me being very smart, I must say that I was not the only smart guy in that theater as there was one smarter. This guy in the adjacent seat was apparently so sure that the eye balls of the entire crowd will be fixated to the screen during that Dubai building scene that he decided to plant on his gal a kiss, which went on for as long as it would take an Indian elevator to reach the top floor of Burj Khalifa. Probably he was unaware that The Silent Commentator was around (Thanks to my minuscule popularity owing to selfish readers like you). But look at the nerve of that bastard! Must have been planning it ever since he saw that Making Of MI4 clip on Youtube. To pile on, the thought that he could have turned in the wrong direction being panic stricken made me skip my dinner.


Anyway, without digressing any further, I should tell you, that MI4 is not all about thrilling adventure as Simon Pegg keeps throwing in funny punches at pleasantly regular intervals and given the fact that I don't comprehend a majority of what is spoken in English movies without running subtitles, it has to be really funny when I say so. Tom Cruise despite being on the wrong side of 40 looks as dashing as ever. The best part about the movie is it being fast-paced. Of-course I have never been a fan of women in heavy make-up getting into a physical combat with men of monstrous anatomy. Okay may be sometimes they do so, but that mostly involves hurling of a household utensil and definitely not choke slamming men around, doing a lady Kane. But let's overlook that aspect in the spirit of Christmas. (It's funny how it has suddenly dawned upon me that my writing is not exactly helping my family in searching a girl for me.) That abruptly ends my so called review. My Rating - 4/5.

This thing should never come in sight of Punjab
Police. I'm talking about the BMW not
Paula Patton! 

P.S. Just a friendly advice, don't even think that you will someday own that BMW Vision EfficientDynamics car used by Tom Cruise in the movie. I know you will get the naughty thought but NO, no raise or job-hop will get you that. Don't ever believe those stories of Dhirubhai Ambani, Warrenn Buffett making it large. They are just old wives' tales. Therefore, you are advised to drown the feeling of despair (which by the way will appear within 3 seconds from the appearance of the aforementioned naughty thought) in a large peg of some premium scotch the way I did...


P.P.S. It's amazing how every-time I could stretch a couple of relevant points into a (not necessarily decent)article of decent length. There gotta be some kind of award or recognition of some sorts for this art! On a side-note, I am sure someday somebody will report me to some Bollywood related regulatory body for offending some aspect of review-writing. But until the somes remain only somes, spectaculorum procedere debet.

Ladies vs Ricky Bahl: A Pleasant Surprise!!

Remember, Boys always WIN!!

I am back with a fly-on-the-wall review of the movie Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl and I must say I was pleasantly surprised after watching this movie. It could be mainly because I have been keeping my expectations to rock bottom after the success of Akshay Kumar and partly due to this being a Yash Raj productions (Ya, the same guy who gave us SRK with his stretched arms pose). As with my my earlier review of The Dirty Picture, again I won't be going into the technical details as they are out of scope for both you and me. Also there wouldn't be much of a disclosure of the plot, but only a mention of the good and bad aspects that hit me.


That Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl is a typical Yash Raj movie could be inferred from the facts that:
1) Both the lead actor and actress make their entry through a song in which there will be a dozen fans blowing away the hair of the actors and everybody surrounding the actors will leave their ongoing business and start dancing along, matching every step.
2) Out of some freakish twist in the tale, actors land up in Switzerland or Goa (depending upon the budget of the movie). 
However, there are green pastures for each of us to discover after passing this painful phase of trademark bullshit movie-making. I have no qualms in saying that Parineeti Chopra (cousin of Junglee Billi) steals the show with all the genuinely funny punches. This despite the presence of two very fine upcoming and young artists: Anushka Sharma (whom we all started hating after watching those Reliance Ads with Ranvijay Singh who used to once behave nothing short of Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Roadies show) and Ranveer Singh (don't you think he looks like a cross-breed of a young Akshay Kumar and Rajiv Thakur of the Laugter Challenge show).


The first 15 minutes of the movie will make you realize why everyone in your family and friends suggest not to marry a Delhi gal (You can tell me if you agree or not after watching the movie). Thanks to Salman, the only human left, male actors are as eager to show their body as their counterparts. FYI, both Ranveer and Anushka have flaunted the result of their hardwork in the gym aplenty. Or maybe it's the too-lazy-to-hit-the-gym me taking control here. Anyway, I would give Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl a generous 3.5 out of 5 for the simple reason that it is a light-hearted time-pass and completely harmless movie, though not with a very strong plot. But then if our King Khan can play a husband who meets his wife every evening as another person just because he is not wearing a moustache, then we aren't really into much of strong-plot movies. The movie is definitely a one-time watch and trust me you wouldn't be cribbing on your way out (I'm presuming you have also watched movies like Ready and Bodyguard). Look out for Parineeti, who is the USP of the movie, carrying it on her shoulders for the entire length. (On a side-note doesn't she resembles Dhoni's wife Saakshi? By the way there is a character in the movie who also looked like Dhoni. Let me know, if you noticed that.) 


However, I left the theater very depressed for two reasons: First, thinking when will I have such white and shiny teeth as the movie actors and second, when will I earn enough to afford eatables at a movie theater without feeling guilty!


P.S. If you are wondering that what you have just read is a movie review at all, then I have two things to say: First, if you really wanted a real movie review, you wouldn't go any far from Rajeev Masand. Second, I am writing this after watching the late night show of the movie, which is a big deal with me being a poor engineer and my boss (whom I have to encounter tomorrow early morning) not being particularly a big fan of my writing. GN!!

Movie Review: The Dirty Picture not so 'Dirty' !!

It doesn't happens very often that
Hashmi watches while the others
make hay. But that is what
happened in this movie!!

This is for the first time in my blog that I am attempting to review a movie, so will keep it extremely short and crispy. Rest assured that there are not going to be any spoilers nor am I going to bore you with my knowledge of cinematography (which by the way doesn't exists too). But before starting with the review, given my caring nature, I consider it as my duty to warn you of a couple of things. First, if you consider yourself a holier-than-thou individual, then do yourself and others around you a favor by staying away because all you will be doing after watching the movie would be badmouthing the actors, the art, the concept and most importantly the skill. Second, ladies need to buckle up because the expectation level of their beaus is bound to shoot through the roof after watching this movie.


'The Dirty Picture' is, without a shadow of doubt, a Vidya Balan movie all the way, with her character of Silk being the straw that stirs the entire movie for an entire 2 hr 20 mins. Yes, I know it sounds peculiar given that there was a certain Nasseruddin Shah as the co-actor, but such is the dominant role of Silk in the flick. Nevertheless, Nasseruddin Shah who is easily my favorite Bollywood actor does justice to his role notwithstanding how minuscule it was, but then he doesn't knows any other way, does he?


Tusshar Kapoor's role, like in all his earlier movies, could have been avoided. But then when you have a untalented brother breathing down your neck, you have to throw your weight at some point of time and see him through, so that is good Karma for Ekta Kapoor. Nevertheless, let us give a big hand to Tusshar for finally getting to speak in a movie (if you catch my drift). I don't know about others but Tusshar Kapoor looks so helpless to me that I wouldn't be surprised if a gal gives herself to him just out of pity for him. But what would amuse many would be the role played by Emraan Hashmi who is unofficially the Father of Fornication in India. In the movie he plays an old-school director who thoroughly despises the sex-bomb that is Silk. But as it happens all the time with Hashmi Sahab, he finally falls in love with Silk and is almost on the verge of making Murder 3 when the movie ends. We can only thank God for that!


YES, the movie is loaded with some no-holds-barred raunchy scenes, YES the dialoguebaazi in the movie is straight out of a Delhi University boys hostel but NO, it is not a dirty movie!! I know nobody cares, but I would go for a happy 4 out of 5 for The Dirty Picture. 1 for the brave effort by the director Milan Luthria who trod the thin line without falling on the other side into vulgarity, 1 for the mind-blowing dialoguebaazi which you would seriously attempt to by-heart if it doesn't tattoos to your brain automatically, and 2 for the gutsy Vidya Balan alone who when it comes to acting eats Kareena for breakfast and defecates Katrina. And YES, you need not every-time tattoo ISI on your arm to convey a message!!  So that is it. Short and crisp as promised!


P.S. For me the high point in the movie was when I overheard a girl behind me asking his guy 'Yeh Nasbandi Kya Hota Hai?' 


P.P.S. If you think my review was insightful then transfer me the ticket money for the next Friday release. But if you are financially deprived like me then proceed to the Facebook Share button. However, if you think that I should end this review thingy ASAP then convey your contempt in the comments section (which I will moderate anyway).

Gujaratis' response to Ra.One and much more!

I love Gujarati people for the colorful manner in which they celebrate festivals and the unity with which they stay together as one big family. No wonder most of the soaps these days feature Desai, Parikh families etc. But I am not a fan of watching cinema in Gujarat cos the crowd tends to get very noisy on seeing the hero making an entry, though if you compare to Bangalore, the theaters here in Ahmedabad are of better quality and half the price.


However when I watched Ra.One here in Ahmedabad, I observed two things. First was that nobody cheered on SRK's entry in the movie which is always a characteristic of intelligent people. Second was people's reaction as soon as the movie got over. This is something I always wait to notice so as to ensure that my reaction is in sync with the rest of the lot. Although I must say that more often than not I find myself on the opposite side of the rest of the audience but in the case of Ra.One we were all together on one side, like a big distressed family. The look on the faces was more of treachery than shock. It was as if they were promised a summer vacation camp but led to a concentration camp instead.


Nevertheless, I must say I am a relieved man after the release of Ra.One cos to be honest it was really pissing me off to see SRK on each-n-every darned channel telling his tales of bravery and chivalry, telling why people should watch the movie and how he wants to bring technology to Bollywood so as to pull it up to Hollywood's standards. If I could recall correctly, in one of the interviews he blabbered: 'I made this movie for that one Indian boy working in New York and that one Indian girl studying in London who could proudly tell their friends while watching Ra.One that this was made in India.' So for me, now its all up-to the Indian boys working in New York and Indian gals studying in London to come up with a suitable explanation if in case they happen to accidentally watch the movie with their white friends. I guess the Indian embassy in UK and US is pretty soon going to get some nasty calls.


Also I fail to understand why the King of Bollywood always needs the Multi-Star clutches to walk his movie. As in Om Shanti Om, even in Ra.One you will get to see a plethora of movie stars. The guy knows the tricks of his trade well. He even roped in Rajinikanth for a meaningless 1 minute scene so that he could also milk the Rajini-crazy South Indian audiences who wouldn't have otherwise chosen to see Ra.One. As one of my friends rightly said 'Ra.One is a 2.5 hr Rajini movie with guest appearance from SRK for 2 hrs and 29 minutes.'

Viewers feel that they paid a very heavy price for watching
the chubby look of Kareena in that dazzling pallu-less saree!

(Spoiler Alert) Coming to the actual movie, the very idea of a Super-Hero safeguarding only his own family is flawed. That is not a Super-Hero, that is mean! I guess SRK typecasted the idea to suit his personal lifestyle. Is it a sequel to the Nerolac paints ad: 'Papa tum tak kuch bhi harmful nahi pahuchne denge!' Needless to say that SRK even in a robotic avatar displays his trademark fake smile with S-shaped eye brows. What will add to your misery as a viewer is that there are some pretty out-rightly sleazy scenes and dialogues which is always something to avoid when you are with your family.


Anyway I would stop here and let the equally meaningless media do its bit to scrutinize Ra.One. I know it takes a lot of hard work to make a movie but as they say sometimes we miss the wood for the trees. But that would not in any way prevent me from visualizing Salman and Amir having a small celebration somewhere.


P.S. I can safely assume that a teeny-weeny brain cell of at-least one of you readers may be beginning to ask me 'Who the hell asked you for a review?' To which my standard reply is 'Who the hell invited you to read my review? So eff off !'


P.P.S. Only I realize the risk that I am undertaking by mocking SRK in my already flopped The Silent Commentator blog cos lets face it, although you and I could see through things but there are still many jerks around who idolize SRK.


Lux Cozi ki taraf se aapko Happy Diwali!