When Test Cricket and IPL discussed life and death (with remarkable civility)

While the entire cricketing fraternity is busy fighting over one's importance over the other, IPL and Test (the men who matter) squared up against each other, blow-by-blow, man on man, in a not-so friendly face-off. Let's see who makes it through the ultimate show-down, with no strategic timeouts of-course. 
<Crowd Warning: Weak-hearted are advised to stay away or at-least not stand while reading...>


IPL:  What? Are you kidding? HELLO! I am the real deal dude. I don't mean that in a cocky way but I don't even know why we are doing this. Everyone, including Bishen Singh Bedi and Arjuna Ranatunga, know I am the present and the future! Of-course Ranatunga learnt it the hard way.. 
Test: I don't appreciate that tone.


IPL: And that's another thing, Test cricket has no sense of humor. Then again, if you had to spend all day watching the likes of Geoffrey Boycott at their heights of watchfulness, then the sense of humor is certain to take a beating. 
Test: Excuse me, but without me you wouldn't have even come into existence. You are nothing but my estranged son. There is a reason why people have begun watching you.


IPL: And that could be because you almost bored a gazillion people to death. I'm not saying that you're like, completely useless. But really, what is it that you are good for now? You might be out of job soon, buddy.
Test: Excuse me, but that's quite an ignorant (not to mention arrogant) perspective. While it is true that--theoretically--you are running Cricket now and I might have been indirectly responsible for speeding the ageing process in some of my fans, but in practice that's absurd. A cricketer who begins learning cricket with IPL is doomed. And I would appreciate it if you would not refer to me as "buddy".


IPL: I rest my case on the humor thing. But you still didn't answer my question, what do you actually do NOW?
Test: I teach them the art which they happily diminish playing you around dancing women and ignorant crowd. And I also...........


IPL: Hey hey hey! What do you mean? IPL cricketers aren't good enough? What about..........
Test: Excuse me, but I wasn't done. 


IPL: Ya ya I know you weren't done. It will take you 5 days. But what about the money honey? Look at all the money that I produce, and you're like, what, teaching "art" to people? Oooohhh big deal! Thank goodness for you! 
Test: Not just money, you also produce traitors like Viru and Zak who always manage to get fit for IPL, endangering national duty. In-fact I could distinctly recall a gentleman who had a train of thought similar to yours and now he is leading the Punjab cricket team.



IPL: Oh so you remember that but not his 400+ Test wickets? Nobody can stop him from making a Test comeback as well.
Test: Hmm. Ya the 400+ Test wickets. See, I do agree to an occasional slip-up but trust me time catches up with such cases sooner than later. As far as Test comeback is concerned, you have to wait for the day when all the stars and the moon line up. But tell me something my brother from a different mother, don't you find this statement a little insulting: 'A Test discard is an IPL champion'? Well, somebody got his Citi Moment Of Success alright.


IPL: Oh Ok Ok Ok. Relax uncle. You got me there. 
Test: Looked like a DLF maximum to me. <winks>


IPL: No. Looked more of a FU maximum. Anyway, how about cricketers like Raina, Jadeja and Yousuf Pathan? You know them only because of IPL. Don't you?
Test: And did I ever say it's a pleasure knowing them? See first of all, only Dhoni thinks Jadeja is a cricketer, okay? There are many who believe that he is an ISI agent who has been infiltrated to India only to spoil just the one thing that India championed (or so we believed briefly for a few days). But you must understand my 2-minute noodle, there are certain things in our universe which start for no apparent reason but some kind of divine intervention ends them. A case in point is Pooja Bhatt's acting career. Jadeja's is a similar case. Frankly, I am just waiting for what kind of divine intervention it's going to be this time. And by unleashing Pathan in IPL, you have given a boozer the key to the liquor cabinet. He's a ticking time bomb, unfortunately he's not going to explode on the field. And Raina, seriously? I have seen Raina playing Test cricket. Oh dear lord! The guy even gets into uncomfortable positions while watching short pitched bowling on TV. Somebody needs to tell your boys that just saying ''Test cricket is the real cricket" is not enough. 

RP Singh's reaction when asked
 if he can play Test Cricket

IPL: Look, I don't want to criticise you and all but you really suck! Anyway, so tell me what's life like for a Test match.
Test: Mostly drawn. Unless..... no never mind.


IPL: No, tell me what were you gonna say?
Test: I don't think you want to get into this right now, but I'll just give you the jist...


IPL: You're right, we don't want to talk about it right now or maybe never.
Test: Yes, but it disturbs me to talk about it. Because it means the game is dying, and that's upsetting to me. I just feel so...useless.


IPL:  So does the game dying affects you?
Test: Does it affects me? Does it affects me? You are one hell of a tough monkey. Hey, did you all hear that, "Does it affects me? He asks?" <falls off the chair laughing>


IPL: What's funny about that. Seems like a reasonable question.
Test: Ok I'll explain it.It's..<bursts out laughing again, uncontrollably>


IPL: Can I get you anything? Water? Concentrated H2SO4? Horse urine?
Test: Whew! Oh boy. No I'm fine,really. I'll be serious. <Deep breath>. Okay go on.


IPL: Now can u explain?
Test: Doesn't take a PhD here, you overly glorified bastard. Have you ever heard of a certain Rahul Dravid? What he used to do with a cricket bat in his hand was batting not what Mr Viru does. Hand-and-eye co-ordination my ass.


IPL: Oh is it. By the way, just to get some things out of the way, do you know how many Test triple hundreds Viru has? Just asking, you can choose not to answer.
Test: Well, like the beginning of universe, it's just one of the mysteries of nature.


IPL: I think I saw that one coming. Anything against you becomes a mystery of nature and anything that favors you is a part of nature's beauty. So anyway, since I have been taking shit from you all this time, let me get your opinion on this as well. What do you think of ODI's? They are closer to Tests, right?
Test: In their dreams! I am The Game thank you very much.


IPL: In the time that the Test bowlers wait for the rough created near the crease to showcase their 'art', IPL makes many international careers. You are sooooo slow. Couples break-up in shorter time these days.  
Test: Please, within the test cricket community, the word 'slow' is considered derogatory. We prefer 'Pace-challenged'.
Having said that, I do understand that it's a pain when someone like Chanderpaul settles in. We all know, what happens then. Sometimes my own men do my undoing. When he digs that bail in the ground to take guard at the start, trust me the bail becomes the nail and the ground becomes my coffin. Do you see the poetry in my words?


IPL: Ya, I also see a couple of drops of chloroform in them. Jokes apart, I have indeed seen an educational video about it once. Gets pretty brutal.
Test: Tell me about it! It may sound fun, but well you saw the footage. <Bursts into tears>


IPL: Here's a tissue.
Test: So anyway, why don't we talk about you?


IPL: Well, I have to admit life can be very luxurious being a 20 over episode. A lot of us feel guilty, especially around the holidays.
Test: Great. Even here you maintain a great strike rate of speaking trash. But trust me when I go, you are following me, maybe a little later but surely you will. Like it or not, our fates may be connected. So, I say we forget about all this and start friendship, of-course with an invisible asterisk over it. Let's go and get drunk while we still can? 


IPL: They let us drink? 
Test: Really IPL son? Do you really have to be so pretentious? We all know what happens in the IPL parties. Perhaps you are unaware about the drinking part because that's the least interesting of things happening around there.  


IPL: Ya that was one more thing I completely skipped over. The parties! So what do you have to say about that my economically-challenged friend? How do guys celebrate after playing Tests, huh? Sitting around fire, sipping tea and criticising the political landscape, huh? And by the way I made your highest wicket taker warm the bench. And the 'God' huh, your 'God', what about him, huh? For his country he plays only important matches, but did you see him miss any IPL match, huh my brother from a different father? From Dada to The Wall, they all wait for the Super Hit.
Test: Ya ya ya, just tell me you prefer soda or like it neat? 


And together they walked out, Test and IPL, with their souls wrung out and hearts sinking with a mixed emotion of pride and failure, realising that indeed both are powerful, not them, but Time and Money.     




P.S. This article is heavily (and I couldn't emphasize the plagiarism involved any more bluntly) based on the writing style of the Java programming book: Head First Java.

Movie Review-Agneepath: Don't worry it's not about the IndAus series!

How much would you like this movie? It depends upon how recently have you seen the original 1990 Agneepath. So to derive an Argus-Report like conclusion, I re-watched the original immediately after the re-make. My rating of the re-make went down from 4/5 to 3/5 without having to sit on the horns of dilemma! I know comparison with Amitabh of Agneepath could not be justified as fair but that is one risk you always take while making remakes. Isn't it? Having said that, if you know me then you also know that I never back away from giving credit when it's due: Sanjay Dutt in his role of Kancha Cheena was absolutely breathtaking mostly due to the getup. If I was one feet taller and a 50 Kilos heavier, I would also look like him as I already have those dark circles. The guy's face almost covered the entire screen with a Batista-like neck. Don't be surprised if he gets a call from the Ramsay brothers for their next assignment.


But unlike the Agneepath series happening in Australia, in the movie, the good actually triumphed over the evil. The only objectionable part I found was Vijay Chauhan's eye color changing from black to green after 15 years. But since the same thing happened to Hrithik in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, I would let that go. We can always cut some slack for Bollywood. For instance, in the movie through out there are black clouds and rain everywhere. Where is this kind of weather in India? Wherever it is, I think it could be a perfect place to conduct the next India-Australia cricket series. Agneepath my ass!! (Pardon my anger over our cricket team which forced me to digress.)

Of-course the movie has other regular Bollywood idiosyncrasies. For once I want to see an actual person dying by a gunshot. Just to clear my doubts regarding how much time it really takes for a normal person to die of a gunshot. It will help me personally a lot as everytime I see the hero being shot for a dozen times in the chest but still going about his business in a routine fashion, it disturbs my hand-eye-ear-urinary-bladder-intestine co-ordination forcing me to use loo asap. I guess it's also a time to spare a thought for the gangsters all around the country who would find themselves in the soup about their physique after seeing Hrithik in Agneepath. Although our government has taken the guarantee of Abu Salem and Kasab's good health but I find it really difficult to visualize Dawood Ibrahim doing push-ups after watching the flick. 

Look at those arms! (Courtesy:Facebook)

Coming back to the actual movie, as sure as I am that 99% of the people want to watch the movie just to see Sanjay Dutt in that deadly role, a pleasant surprise awaits for one and all in Rishi Kapoor who pulls off probably the role of his life. As expected, Priyanka Chopra with her Ambrose-like lips has no impact on the movie whatsoever with the importance of actresses in Bollywood continuing to dip. As always, Hrithik is sincere in his part with his eyes red through out the flick but somehow I don't agree with that Greek-God-like look for every role. I would be personally very interested to see how he would take up a role of a village farmer ploughing fields with these looks. But I guess that's the compromise we have agreed to.
  
A special mention about the 'Chikni Chameli' song. As mindless and unwarranted as the song was in the context of the movie, one could easily realize seeing it that the choreographer was given specific instructions by the director to make full use of the high cost paid to Katrina for the song. Some of the dance-steps were straight out of the Jhinga-La-La-Hu-Hu club!


All in all Agneepath is a deserving one time watch even though at-least 15 minutes too long. It has no good songs but for the 'Abhi Mujh Mein Kahin' song sung by Sonu Nigam (Yes, I am caste biased). By the way where was the Macroman character in the movie that they have been talking about in the Rupa ad?

Don2: How it changed my life and would certainly change yours!!

Unlike everyone else (except for the Don2 team which kept congratulating each other over twitter all day), I am not going to completely dismiss Don2 as waste. Reason? Actually two of them: Firstly, Don2 has opened my eyes about life. It has forced me to look at the life from a new prism of reality. I think now it's high time that I get married and settle in life. After-all how long will this continue? Watching senseless movies, writing uncalled-for reviews, maintaining a rejected blog. It has to stop somewhere. Thanks SRK! I would definitely invite you to my marriage to dance but that is subjected to the dowry I get, so until something materialises on that front, please take care of your materialistic needs by conning the innocent people of my otherwise a very bright country.


Second reason is that I have started respecting my software engineering job a lot more now. No, it has nothing to do with Lara Dutta's role in the movie. Actually, while watching the movie I developed an instant sympathy for the bootlegger who would be sitting alert somewhere in the corner, recording Don2 secretly with a hidden handycam. Spare a thought for the guy, he has to go out later and convince others to buy that pirated CD. It would be like falling in a ditch of manure and then convincing somebody to lick you clean. Now that is Mission Impossible 5!!


Now you might be thinking that what kind of a Satan's secretary I am, spitting venom all around on Christmas. But then you see while 'you' happy people have everything in life and still hang Christmas stockings outside to receive even more gifts, I, like all other days in life, had put the same bloody milk coupon in the same bloody plastic bag. So don't expect the spirit of Christmas to be any kind of deal sweetener in this review.


Anyway, let me leave my psychotic-in-nature personal problems and start with the review. Don2 opens with a scene in which our hero fights single-handedly (ofcourse weaponless), with what I think was an entire island of shotgun laden gangsters. Isn't that's something he was supposed to do as G.One, instead of blowing flour on 'our' bebo and occasionally becoming a PSPO fan for her. But we shouldn't out-rightly blame SRK for that because the fact is that the 'number of villains a hero can pummel' increases as you start descending south from New Delhi. I am not too sure what is the state of affairs regarding this in SriLanka, but then if you look at it, may be Arjuna Ranatunga can indeed ...No..No..bad thought. 


Not allowing me to digress any further, I must say that the first half of the movie was still tolerable despite being woefully slow for a thriller. Add to that, it was only after a good 30 minutes into the movie, I realised that my 3D glasses were not actually a working pair at all, not that I regret missing on something when I look back now. So I have to wait till the intemission to give the theater management a taste of my 'Kanpur Dialect' and get a new pair of 3D glasses. In retrospect, I think it shouldn't have mattered much as even with a working pair of 3D glasses, the movie sucked big time which brings me to:<cue Newshour music> "The question tonight is that why did these numbskulls have to release Don2 in 3D. Tonight the nation needs an answer!" Really, what could possibly be the reason? If you ask me releasing Don2 in 3D just meant adding another dimension of trash. And you call me a sadist!!

The conman is back!!

I think with this habit of digressing at every juncture, I will never be able to become a good movie-reviewer! For the nth time coming back to the movie, real trouble started brewing in the 2nd half in which even an ignorant fool like SRK realised that there isn't exactly a buckload of thrill in the so called thriller. So what did the King of Bollywood do? He falls back on his Yash-Raj-production-house inspired romantic style of acting. Trust me if you are a fan of romantic SRK, there are some pleasant surprises for you in store. But really, it was at this point that I completely lost it. Even some college students (unwitting as we all are at that age) who cheered SRK's entrance in the movie started mocking him. I mean, just imagine Don, whom municipal vans police of 11 countries are chasing, starts fighting for a police officer. No need to re-read, you read it right in the first place: 'For a police officer' and not 'Against a police officer'. In-fact I even think for those parts in the movie where SRK and Priyanka Chopra were really falling in love, the background music became serenely romantic. May be they roped in Jatin-Lalit for those parts or maybe I misheard. Try to understand, my sense of proportion had deserted me by then. I should have taken my clue from seeing the people coming out of the earlier show. They looked like as if they paid some concentration camp a forceful visit. And as if the movie was not already torturing enough by then, in the last scene they show SRK sir riding a bike with registration no "Don 3". I almost kicked the seat in my front seeing that. Do you all know what that means? Do you realise the gravity of this? I think those old crazy science people who keep saying that in 2012 world will come to an end are indeed true.



The saddest part of all however remains, that despite all the Cartoon Network logic of the movie, even this will make millions of bucks just out of SRK's name. I guess like my friends who share my articles on FB even without opening it, SRK too has a blind following (Ofcourse the comparison is not to scale).


My rating: 3/5. You might be wondering why even 3? Honestly, SRK looked really cool in some parts with that beard and few of the SRK punches were actually funny, particularly while he was flirting with Miss Chopra. But this again is the reason why only 3 and not more. Arre Chacha-jaan, this was supposed to be a thriller and NOT a comedy/romantic movie!! Besides the new Don repeats that 'Don ko pakadna..' dialogue just too many times. Just say it once and shut up!! We all know the dialogue. AB's single swivel in the chair was enough in the original movie but SRK has to do all the catwalk, 'D' tattooing , curving eyebrows to medically dangerous limits to convince. I rest my case on the difference in class here. 


Perhaps the movie could be best summed up by one single line that my friend said: Don2 se paise wasoolna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai!!


P.S. I must say that all these Sibal's siblings are doing one heck of a job at the Health Ministry. Until I watched the movie, I really couldn't guess from watching Don2 songs on music channels, what was that thing that SRK was holding between his lips with smoke emitted all around and a lighter in the other hand. Really tricked!! 
P.P.S. If you found the article worthless owing to its length then you must understand that a big star like SRK deserved more words. If you found the article worthless owing to it being un-researched/senseless then you must question your own judgement which landed you on this blog in the first place. However if you feel that the article was worthless owing to the author being biased, then my friend you are absolutely right!
Ok, now to hell with SRK and you all, I have an office to attend to in the morning. Samsung doesn't pay me to write movie reviews. GN!!

Mission Impossible 4: A couple of things to know in advance!

First things first. If you are that rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because Anil Kapoor has a role in it, then you are in for a huge disappointment. Not only is his role laughable and insignificant but it is just a 1-minute role that spreads across a 15-minute segment of the movie. And if you are the brother or close friend of that rare person or simply another such rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because a major chunk of it has been shot in India, then again it is going to be a let-down because I have been told that most of that chunk was actually recreated in Vancouver and Dubai. (Thankfully in that part India was not shown in poor light because after Slumdog Millionaire every-time they utter the word 'India' in any Hollywood movie I will start twisting and turning in my chair). 


However, if you are a smart person like me who wanted to see MI4 just for that one scene sequence in which Tom Cruise scales Dubai's 2700-foot Burj Khalifa building, trust me it's worth it! In fact I would go as far as saying that that one scene sequence churned out more thrill than perhaps the entire Ra-One movie. The view from the top was scary even while watching on a screen and for a person having fear of heights like me, it didn't amount to comfortable viewing. I am sure even Tom Cruise's body double would have refused some part of the scene. Maybe they roped in Tom Cruise's body double's body double! However, some friends told me that Tom Cruise has actually done most part of that scene which is absolutely amazing to me because HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO COME EVEN FOR A SINGLE SHOT TO INDIA!! AND THERE HE IS FOOLING AROUND AT A MUCH RISKIER PLACE. YES, IT WAS ALL BODY DOUBLE IN INDIA. DAMN RACIST!! That is how an extremist would have reacted, not me Sir. NO! I love body doubles. I dig them and idolize them. I am so fond of body doubles that even the posters on my walls are those of body doubles and not originals. In fact I am convinced that a day will soon come when the originals will just come for photo-shoot, promotions or may be just for intimate scenes tops, rest all will be done by body doubles.


So coming back to the original topic of me being very smart, I must say that I was not the only smart guy in that theater as there was one smarter. This guy in the adjacent seat was apparently so sure that the eye balls of the entire crowd will be fixated to the screen during that Dubai building scene that he decided to plant on his gal a kiss, which went on for as long as it would take an Indian elevator to reach the top floor of Burj Khalifa. Probably he was unaware that The Silent Commentator was around (Thanks to my minuscule popularity owing to selfish readers like you). But look at the nerve of that bastard! Must have been planning it ever since he saw that Making Of MI4 clip on Youtube. To pile on, the thought that he could have turned in the wrong direction being panic stricken made me skip my dinner.


Anyway, without digressing any further, I should tell you, that MI4 is not all about thrilling adventure as Simon Pegg keeps throwing in funny punches at pleasantly regular intervals and given the fact that I don't comprehend a majority of what is spoken in English movies without running subtitles, it has to be really funny when I say so. Tom Cruise despite being on the wrong side of 40 looks as dashing as ever. The best part about the movie is it being fast-paced. Of-course I have never been a fan of women in heavy make-up getting into a physical combat with men of monstrous anatomy. Okay may be sometimes they do so, but that mostly involves hurling of a household utensil and definitely not choke slamming men around, doing a lady Kane. But let's overlook that aspect in the spirit of Christmas. (It's funny how it has suddenly dawned upon me that my writing is not exactly helping my family in searching a girl for me.) That abruptly ends my so called review. My Rating - 4/5.

This thing should never come in sight of Punjab
Police. I'm talking about the BMW not
Paula Patton! 

P.S. Just a friendly advice, don't even think that you will someday own that BMW Vision EfficientDynamics car used by Tom Cruise in the movie. I know you will get the naughty thought but NO, no raise or job-hop will get you that. Don't ever believe those stories of Dhirubhai Ambani, Warrenn Buffett making it large. They are just old wives' tales. Therefore, you are advised to drown the feeling of despair (which by the way will appear within 3 seconds from the appearance of the aforementioned naughty thought) in a large peg of some premium scotch the way I did...


P.P.S. It's amazing how every-time I could stretch a couple of relevant points into a (not necessarily decent)article of decent length. There gotta be some kind of award or recognition of some sorts for this art! On a side-note, I am sure someday somebody will report me to some Bollywood related regulatory body for offending some aspect of review-writing. But until the somes remain only somes, spectaculorum procedere debet.

Ladies vs Ricky Bahl: A Pleasant Surprise!!

Remember, Boys always WIN!!

I am back with a fly-on-the-wall review of the movie Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl and I must say I was pleasantly surprised after watching this movie. It could be mainly because I have been keeping my expectations to rock bottom after the success of Akshay Kumar and partly due to this being a Yash Raj productions (Ya, the same guy who gave us SRK with his stretched arms pose). As with my my earlier review of The Dirty Picture, again I won't be going into the technical details as they are out of scope for both you and me. Also there wouldn't be much of a disclosure of the plot, but only a mention of the good and bad aspects that hit me.


That Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl is a typical Yash Raj movie could be inferred from the facts that:
1) Both the lead actor and actress make their entry through a song in which there will be a dozen fans blowing away the hair of the actors and everybody surrounding the actors will leave their ongoing business and start dancing along, matching every step.
2) Out of some freakish twist in the tale, actors land up in Switzerland or Goa (depending upon the budget of the movie). 
However, there are green pastures for each of us to discover after passing this painful phase of trademark bullshit movie-making. I have no qualms in saying that Parineeti Chopra (cousin of Junglee Billi) steals the show with all the genuinely funny punches. This despite the presence of two very fine upcoming and young artists: Anushka Sharma (whom we all started hating after watching those Reliance Ads with Ranvijay Singh who used to once behave nothing short of Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Roadies show) and Ranveer Singh (don't you think he looks like a cross-breed of a young Akshay Kumar and Rajiv Thakur of the Laugter Challenge show).


The first 15 minutes of the movie will make you realize why everyone in your family and friends suggest not to marry a Delhi gal (You can tell me if you agree or not after watching the movie). Thanks to Salman, the only human left, male actors are as eager to show their body as their counterparts. FYI, both Ranveer and Anushka have flaunted the result of their hardwork in the gym aplenty. Or maybe it's the too-lazy-to-hit-the-gym me taking control here. Anyway, I would give Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl a generous 3.5 out of 5 for the simple reason that it is a light-hearted time-pass and completely harmless movie, though not with a very strong plot. But then if our King Khan can play a husband who meets his wife every evening as another person just because he is not wearing a moustache, then we aren't really into much of strong-plot movies. The movie is definitely a one-time watch and trust me you wouldn't be cribbing on your way out (I'm presuming you have also watched movies like Ready and Bodyguard). Look out for Parineeti, who is the USP of the movie, carrying it on her shoulders for the entire length. (On a side-note doesn't she resembles Dhoni's wife Saakshi? By the way there is a character in the movie who also looked like Dhoni. Let me know, if you noticed that.) 


However, I left the theater very depressed for two reasons: First, thinking when will I have such white and shiny teeth as the movie actors and second, when will I earn enough to afford eatables at a movie theater without feeling guilty!


P.S. If you are wondering that what you have just read is a movie review at all, then I have two things to say: First, if you really wanted a real movie review, you wouldn't go any far from Rajeev Masand. Second, I am writing this after watching the late night show of the movie, which is a big deal with me being a poor engineer and my boss (whom I have to encounter tomorrow early morning) not being particularly a big fan of my writing. GN!!

Movie Review: The Dirty Picture not so 'Dirty' !!

It doesn't happens very often that
Hashmi watches while the others
make hay. But that is what
happened in this movie!!

This is for the first time in my blog that I am attempting to review a movie, so will keep it extremely short and crispy. Rest assured that there are not going to be any spoilers nor am I going to bore you with my knowledge of cinematography (which by the way doesn't exists too). But before starting with the review, given my caring nature, I consider it as my duty to warn you of a couple of things. First, if you consider yourself a holier-than-thou individual, then do yourself and others around you a favor by staying away because all you will be doing after watching the movie would be badmouthing the actors, the art, the concept and most importantly the skill. Second, ladies need to buckle up because the expectation level of their beaus is bound to shoot through the roof after watching this movie.


'The Dirty Picture' is, without a shadow of doubt, a Vidya Balan movie all the way, with her character of Silk being the straw that stirs the entire movie for an entire 2 hr 20 mins. Yes, I know it sounds peculiar given that there was a certain Nasseruddin Shah as the co-actor, but such is the dominant role of Silk in the flick. Nevertheless, Nasseruddin Shah who is easily my favorite Bollywood actor does justice to his role notwithstanding how minuscule it was, but then he doesn't knows any other way, does he?


Tusshar Kapoor's role, like in all his earlier movies, could have been avoided. But then when you have a untalented brother breathing down your neck, you have to throw your weight at some point of time and see him through, so that is good Karma for Ekta Kapoor. Nevertheless, let us give a big hand to Tusshar for finally getting to speak in a movie (if you catch my drift). I don't know about others but Tusshar Kapoor looks so helpless to me that I wouldn't be surprised if a gal gives herself to him just out of pity for him. But what would amuse many would be the role played by Emraan Hashmi who is unofficially the Father of Fornication in India. In the movie he plays an old-school director who thoroughly despises the sex-bomb that is Silk. But as it happens all the time with Hashmi Sahab, he finally falls in love with Silk and is almost on the verge of making Murder 3 when the movie ends. We can only thank God for that!


YES, the movie is loaded with some no-holds-barred raunchy scenes, YES the dialoguebaazi in the movie is straight out of a Delhi University boys hostel but NO, it is not a dirty movie!! I know nobody cares, but I would go for a happy 4 out of 5 for The Dirty Picture. 1 for the brave effort by the director Milan Luthria who trod the thin line without falling on the other side into vulgarity, 1 for the mind-blowing dialoguebaazi which you would seriously attempt to by-heart if it doesn't tattoos to your brain automatically, and 2 for the gutsy Vidya Balan alone who when it comes to acting eats Kareena for breakfast and defecates Katrina. And YES, you need not every-time tattoo ISI on your arm to convey a message!!  So that is it. Short and crisp as promised!


P.S. For me the high point in the movie was when I overheard a girl behind me asking his guy 'Yeh Nasbandi Kya Hota Hai?' 


P.P.S. If you think my review was insightful then transfer me the ticket money for the next Friday release. But if you are financially deprived like me then proceed to the Facebook Share button. However, if you think that I should end this review thingy ASAP then convey your contempt in the comments section (which I will moderate anyway).

A walk-back to the good old school days that you should not miss!

As a kid I always had a problem in reciting the second line of our Indian National Pledge. I would shout my lungs out during the first line 'India is my country' but would just murmur something insanely during the second line 'All Indians are my brothers and sisters'. It would be funny because I will say that part with eyes on the ground wearing a 'WTF!' expression. But, you can't blame me for that, could you? If you had hots for the girl sitting next to you (thanks to that 1Boy-1Girl sitting arrangement in my school) and the teacher, both at the same time, then one needs to really have a twisted mind to say such an offending thing. Thankfully, I wasn't a psychopath !


Talking about psychopaths, beautiful teachers and girls at school, I always wanted to ask a couple of things from people outside my circle of pervert friends. First, do you also still discuss your gorgeous school teachers sometimes over a conference call with your school-time friends? Second, do you also at times see on the Facebook, pics of gals from your school time and say to yourself with utter guilt 'Oh come-on! How can she turn out to be so beautiful! God surely doesn't exists' ? NO? Great, we are on the same page then as even I don't indulge in such things. Was just a simple inquiry. Now back to the original topic. <<Crowd Alert>>It's going to be a long article, so empty your urinary bladder and empty/fill-up your non-urinary bladders now itself. 


Of-course when we look back now, we laugh at the things which resulted in us getting punished. The teachers, true to their part, believed that punishment would instill discipline in us, perhaps leading to a better life. But if one closely monitors the life trajectory of those who got regularly caned during school days, it would be pretty evident that they aren't exactly heading any World Peace operations at the United Nations now. They are still doing almost the same things, only at a larger level! For instance, one of my friends was once punished in the 7th standard for calling another guy a cabaret dancer. Really! Is it that criminal? But surely the punishment didn't deter him an inch, as he grew up to be the most foul-mouthed guy I have ever come across.


And for all that philosophical fuss, what would the actual punishments be like?
'Write a 1000 times that I will not do such-and-such thing again', which would invariably be written by your elder sibling or parents, whoever is most jobless (by the way did any of you followed my technique of writing all the 'Is' together, followed by all the 'wills' and so on?); 
'Sit between those two gals', which again wouldn't really be a punishment unless you had set really high standards for yourself; 'Get out of the class', again I could see a bunch of silver linings in that one; 'Hold each other's ears', though looks straight out of Dostana script, but would always turn into a laughter riot. The only punishment that I dreaded was when the teachers would make a pony tail out of your hair for keeping your hair  too long. (Would never forget or forgive my Social Science teacher for that)

The pic that fooled us into thinking how
easy our future life was going to be!

Needless to say, not all teachers are devilish. No matter which school you went to, there is bound to be that one lenient teacher whose class everyone used to look forward to. More often than not, this would be your Art or Hindi teacher. I had this Arts teacher who, for three long years, just asked us to practice one drawing. 
Every week he would come and put that traditional fruits-on-a-platter picture over the blackboard and ask us to draw. If that was not enough, we would sometimes ask him to take that pic down so that we could use the butter paper to trace/outline the pic. And his pet dialogue or rather SOS dialogue was 'Why have you made this class a fish-market' !


Examination time was a time when we would always find a thousand ways to screw ourselves. Starting from preparing for the wrong subject i.e. messing up the exam schedule to forgetting to attempt a sub-part of a question, you name it! Some would even discover that there was a second page also in the question paper, but sadly after coming out of the exam hall. But for me, there was just one interesting thing happening in the exam hall and it was that who would ask for an additional sheet for the answers. Boy! That was one poisoned harpoon right into my chest. There was this one gal in our class who would ask for an additional sheet almost within 15 minutes into the exam. The gal's gesture would somehow make other students believe that either they are not doing well enough in the exam or they have mistakenly received the wrong question paper. This would almost immediately push me and my friends into a channel of distress and disbelief and we would start looking at each other as if we saw a ghost, prompting some asking for a glass of water and others an increase in the fan speed. The fact that this gal used to do this in every exam was provoking an inquiry from us. So finally one day we got hold of her answer sheet after the exam only to notice that on our 10 inches wide answer sheet she would draw not just the left margin but also a right margin. Yes, you read it right, a right margin, both 2 inches wide and to pile on our misery she would write in XXL font size. Satisfied with this sensational revelation we breathed a sigh of relief with our self-belief and pride restored.   


There are many more such incidents and characters that I can share, like that one time when one of my classmates trying to reason why he hasn't completed the summer vacation homework said (and figure this out for yourselves): 'Sir, actually I finished the entire assignment, but just one day before the school re-opened, a monkey took my notebook from my room. I chased the monkey, being a disciplined student that you know I am, but it dropped the notebook in a house. If it was some other house, I would have gone and collected it back, but Sir that house was haunted! We are forbidden to enter there'. Goes without saying, what followed that explanation was the most sickening display of a 35-year old man repeatedly jackhammer-ing an innocent and (foolishly)creative eighth grader. 


I must stop here, only for the fear that what I found enjoyable of my school-days might not really ring a bell with you. Maybe a sequel. But would love to hear of any such moments that you might have to share, I am sure there are aplenty!!


P.S. Alright, I know that I have already exceeded both, the max-readable-limit-even-for-the-most-jobless and the max-readable-limit-befitting-an-article-from-a-pathetic-blogger limits in this post, but I don't see that preventing me from mentioning one last and perhaps the most memorable incident of my school life: There was this creepy boy in our class who would lead an extremely reclusive life, wandering around with his hands always in his pockets. He really used to freak us out as even while writing, his one hand will be in the pocket. So this one time, during an exam, the most gorgeous (and the most cocky too if I may add so) teacher not just of our school but perhaps in the history of English-medium schools became suspicious of that weirdo, suspecting a cheating attempt or a possible concealment of a cheating weapon, you know with all that one-hand-in-the-pocket-even-during-writing thing. So she proceeded to frisk him and then came THE moment <cue ominous organ music> when she entered her hand in his pocket. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me have the privilege of telling you something about the high pitched shriek that followed next. Just to give you some idea, that piercing cry is still rebounding among the walls of my (now dilapidated) school. Apparently, the weirdo never used to wear any kind of underclothing and had removed his pockets from inside altogether! Goes without saying that the guy turned into a legend overnight. 


P.P.S. 'Good Riddance' are perhaps the two words you are thinking of. Notwithstanding that, let me assure that if you liked this post even a tad bit, then you would surely enjoy one of my old post on college life:Examination Fever

Potpourri: Secret behind the OOPS moments of Rakhi Sawant and the possible involvement of two Khans in AB baby's baby!

Being an avid movie watcher (Yes, even after Ra-One), I keep a tap on all the current actors. But in the last couple of years, owing to the overplus of actors (blame it on India Shining or India Drowning), I have lost track of so many new actors, particularly actresses!

However, thanks to The Times Of India (which by the way is just a few articles away from becoming The Porn Of India), I keep getting reminded of the newbie actresses, courtesy articles like 'So and so had an OOPS moment', 'So and so seen in a see-through dress' etc. What is most noticeable about the highly acclaimed actresses featuring in such OOPS moments, is that you only get to hear of them in such news headlines and not in any movie-related news. No wonder why Madhuri Dixit never had such an OOPS moment. 

Speaking of OOPS moments, Rakhi Sawant seems to have one such moment on a weekly basis. Goes without saying that TOI covers each one of them with the punctuality of a well-timed screenplay. And even if they do, I don't think it surprises any of us. For me, Rakhi's entire life is a 3D panorama of various OOPS moments. From the moment she wakes up till she falls asleep, its OOPS OOPS OOPS! I tell you who would have had a real OOPS moment off-late. It would be Shabana Azmi on knowing that Kareena Kapoor had got herself a statue at Madame Tussauds! Really, what a shame!!

Of-course all this talk of OOPS moments makes one sympathize with the male actors for not having such a lifeline-like facility (or maybe they had until a certain Salman Khan debuted). But then there is not much for them to exploit on this landscape. What best can they do? Open Fly? Nevertheless, this discriminatory nature of OOPS moments didn't deter our favorite cameraman Ashmit Patel, who to me is the male counterpart of Rakhi Sawant. Trust me, the guy gives it his best shot. But you can't blame him, can you? Afterall, the youth of India made him a living legend after his (only) entertaining contribution, thanks to Riya Sen's grave misjudgment under the effect of alcohol (Strangely she lost whatever 4-5 fans she had after that). It was Riya Sen back then and Veena Malik recently, but rest assure, as long as this widely acknowledged public fornicator is in charge, even Aruna Irani is not safe. 

Coming to the most significant news of the week (Again blame it on India Shining or India Drowning), Aishwarya Rai has finally delivered a baby, something that small-time untalented bloggers like me have been waiting to cash in on for an eternity albeit it still needs to be confirmed if the Bachchans sought Aamir Khan's assistance in the medical procedure, given his expertise in the field as depicted in 3 Idiots. Sorry for being cheesy but I have completely run out of material, not that I had any to start with.

Image Source: Facebook

By the way what do you think Salman Khan (in a hypothetical scenario) should do if he wanted to avenge the Bachchans and had a little fun at the same time? I guess he should throw the grandest party of all time for no reason today. Simply!! Now that will creep the hell out of the Bachchans, wouldn't it? 

P.S. Everytime you share this article on Facebook, 50 paise will be donated to Mayawati's hair-dresser's relief fund. 

Finally I found my 'Every Indian Must Watch' video!

Its not very often that I share the content of any other website on my blog. Moreover for the first time I am sharing a video. But after watching this video (courtesy: DeshGujarat), I said to myself, finally I found the video for which one can say 'Every Indian Must Watch'! 

In the video, Dr Swamy is so damn right in saying that the study of Indian law should be made a compulsory part of our education system as it will truly empower each one of us. That suggestion is GOLD !

P.S. Please do share this video and let the true face of UPA emerge ! Whether we are over-reacting with UPA could be discussed in the comments section in a civilized manner.

First video is in Hindi(courtesy: DeshGujarat) and the second in English (courtesy: youth fornation.

Why is it dangerous to be 28 and single !!

I happened to visit my native (Kanpur) for Diwali. Of-course visiting your family and other relatives (mostly insignificant) is always an enjoyable thing for everyone but what makes these visits all the more interesting to me is the number of 'You know he didn't even have money to afford....' stories of famous personalities that I get to hear from these relatives (mostly completely insignificant) to indirectly point out how ungrateful I am or have been.

They will start with the stories of other great men like Lal Bahadur Shastri, saying 'You know he used to walk through a river to his school keeping his books on the head'. Gradually they would come to the story of some neighbor or a close relative, finally slipping past me their own story: 'You know when I was in school, I have to submit my old-used-shortened pencil before my mother will issue me a new one'. Then of-course there will be that ageless story of 'You know I used to get 50 paise as daily pocket money, of which I would buy a samosa for 25 paise and save the remaining 25 paise.'

And if having to endure the spiritual heartache of witnessing such specimens at soul-endangeringly close quarters doesn't breaks one down, their belief that each of their sons is earning lakhs per month is certain to test the tensile strength of your brain nerves. 'My son has a package of 36 lakhs per annum. You know he recently purchased a brand new Maruti Alto.'  Ya! Bite Me!!

All this trash talk makes me wonder what would have been the scenario if I had a mafia/underworld background. I guess then my relatives would have said: 'You know he had to wait for four long years before he could attempt his first bank robbery due to lack of a motorbike', 'You know he didn't even have access to a real hand pistol to learn in his early years, still he turned out quite a gem, eh? '

This pic is probably too serious
 for this article.But its 2'o clock
 in the night.If you want an
appropriate pic, hunt yourself!

I am 28 and single, somehow these stats don't go down well with the relatives. I might not even be knowing the names of some of these relatives, but still they have this itch of getting me 'settled' as if currently I am residing in some home for the shelterless.

Mothers, of-course have their own way of persuasion when it comes to marriage. Unlike the senior male relatives' hammer-and-tongs approach, mothers have a very soft approach towards the victim, which in this case is their son. For instance my mother's modus operandi  revolves around first carefully weaving the 'achievement' thread around me and then finally strangulating me into submission, so whenever I achieve something, she suggests that this is the perfect occasion to get married. Be it a job promotion or car acquisition. Things went out of control when I suggested to her that I am going to buy a home theater for me. Somehow we Indians have convinced ourselves that one cannot indulge in any kind of enjoyment or luxury unless married.

Aforesaid scenario makes me wonder about the hardships that a 28-and-single guy might be facing in Pakistan. I guess his mother would say something like this while serving him lunch: 'I have had enough off you! Enough of these terrorist activities. Once you are back from this suicide bombing mission, I am getting you married. I have already set up your marriage with Laden Chaccha's daughter. They say she makes very good home-made hand grenades as well.' 

One thing that I always look out for while visiting my native is the gossip stories of guys-girls running away from their families in love. Sadly, with passing time and increasing number of love-marriages (which get approved later by the families) such stories are getting extinct. Not only did such stories of defiance gave me and my friends enough masala for gossip, it also opened new horizons of opportunities for us as well. I myself once tried to run once during school days but the girl stood up on me. Needless to say, later I had a hard time explaining my parents what exactly I was doing out there with a bag of clothes at 5 a.m. in the morning.

I guess no discussion about my native Kanpur could be completed without mentioning its beautiful railway station. Now I am not sure if there is any international organisation which keeps records of the most yuck railway stations, but if indeed there is one, then Kanpur's railway station would be the numero uno among the lot. Its difficult, rather painful, to believe that the director of Bunti Aur Babli chose Kanpur's railway station to shoot. 

However, there are certain things that I never fail to witness at a railway station, Kanpur or otherwise. Firstly, whenever you are at a railway station you always start thinking how good/bad your native's railway station is as compared to that one. Secondly and on this one I can bet my life, that you will always find a TT-Uncle pair on the platform with the uncle trying to arrange for an extra berth/seat. Thirdly, no matter how well-off you are financially, there will always be a constant debate whether to buy the platform ticket or not. In case people do buy it, they will try their best so that the ticket checker checks on them, trying to walk by him as closely as possible and behave weirdly like an alien. 


So do you have anything special to say about your relatives? 


P.S. In case you liked what you have read here (which I don't think so), do read one of my old and all-time favorite pieces about the irritating things that we have to put up in the trains: 

On a Train of Thoughts with a one-way Ticket to Hell!!

Potpourri: Cheergirls, Jr.Mallya and Al Qaeda!

Goes without saying that my last post on SRK (Gujaratis' response to Ra.One and much more!) has clearly taken its toll on my blog's popularity with the number of 'likes' getting reduced by approx 30%; even the Gujaratis weren't particularly pleased. But I am okay with it as long as it saved even a single person's ticket money. Some of the readers even went out of their way to mail be about how they feel that I am a sadist and would eventually meet a bitter and lonely end. Nevertheless, as shameless as I am, I will write another post here bombarding you with my observations from different fields of life: 


Cheergirls, Beauties at the cricket ground and the knowledgeable franchise-owners
We all like watching cheergirls at cricket grounds, reasons varying from person to person. But if you look at it, being a cheergirl is still not a recognized form of occupation. Do you really think, that somewhere in Sydney there will be a school girl in her fifth standard telling her mom how she dreams of becoming a cheergirl some day and dance at 48 degrees in Chennai every-time Subramaniam Badrinath hits a four after a prolonged period of watchfulness? Really? Very much like T20 cricket, even being a cheergirl is a stepping stone to reach a more skillful and appreciated form of the same occupation.


Anyway, staying with heat, what are your thoughts on those gorgeous looking girls in the audience that we get to see mainly during T20 matches. Whenever a wicket goes down, their expressions of extreme grief (of-course when the camera is on them) are so intense as if the Father Of The Nation died again and 1857 never happened. I am sure half of these hotties wouldn't be even knowing, at any stage of the match, if their team is doing well or bad, forget about knowing a single foreign player's name featuring in the side they are supporting.


Again staying with pretense, there is no doubt about the fact that Jr.Mallya is easily the most despised man in India at the moment. Any hard working individual automatically seems to develop an unprecedented hatred towards him. I sometimes wonder how much of a cricket match do these franchise owners understand. For example, I am pretty sure that Neeta Ambani comes to an IPL match just to test her biceps strength by lifting cricketers at the end of every match or would it be something like this:

Dad, are you sure you will be able to dive from 
slip and take all my catches? 

Jr.Mallya to his secretary (after the first innings): What do we have to do to win now?
Secretary: Sir, our players have to go out there and score one run more than the opposition has scored and sir its not 'we', its 'them'. You don't have to do anything. Please park yourself on the sofa seat alongside your equally untalented Ms Padukone.


Politics
I feel that in many ways UPA's war against corruption is like Pakistan's war against terror. With an equally pathetic opposition like BJP, Indians at the moment are so confused that they might as well go with whatever Arnab Goswami decides on Newshour. And when we are not suffering from news of corruption, there are these troublesome neighbouring countries. I am not much concerned with Pak cos I'm sure that eventually they are going to blow themselves up as soon as they are done with blocking FB, YouTube, Internet Explorer, Chrome, Mozilla etc. But it is the Chinese that concern me more. Sometimes there conspicuous presence in Pakistan worries me and at other times their bulldoggish presence on the Sino-Indian border intimidates me. This forces me to wonder what percentage of Chinese actually stay in China itself. 


Miscellaneous
By the way did you know that Al Qaeda have their own magazine and its named Inspire. I guess RAW would be really interested to get their hands on the list of Indians who have a subscription of Inspire. So what do you think these Inspire people offer extra on taking extended pre-paid subscriptions? One box of hand grenades free with a 3-month subscription? One all-in-one detonator kit with a 6-month subscription? All three volumes of 'How to become a successful suicide-bomber and stay happy ever after' with a 1-year subscription? Or perhaps a one week free stay in US for sightseeing along with a camera to capture important places as the lucky draw?