Saturday, April 28, 2012

When Test Cricket and IPL discussed life and death (with remarkable civility)

While the entire cricketing fraternity is busy fighting over one's importance over the other, IPL and Test (the men who matter) squared up against each other, blow-by-blow, man on man, in a not-so friendly face-off. Let's see who makes it through the ultimate show-down, with no strategic timeouts of-course. 
<Crowd Warning: Weak-hearted are advised to stay away or at-least not stand while reading...>

IPL:  What? Are you kidding? HELLO! I am the real deal dude. I don't mean that in a cocky way but I don't even know why we are doing this. Everyone, including Bishen Singh Bedi and Arjuna Ranatunga, know I am the present and the future! Of-course Ranatunga learnt it the hard way.. 
Test: I don't appreciate that tone.

IPL: And that's another thing, Test cricket has no sense of humor. Then again, if you had to spend all day watching the likes of Geoffrey Boycott at their heights of watchfulness, then the sense of humor is certain to take a beating. 
Test: Excuse me, but without me you wouldn't have even come into existence. You are nothing but my estranged son. There is a reason why people have begun watching you.

IPL: And that could be because you almost bored a gazillion people to death. I'm not saying that you're like, completely useless. But really, what is it that you are good for now? You might be out of job soon, buddy.
Test: Excuse me, but that's quite an ignorant (not to mention arrogant) perspective. While it is true that--theoretically--you are running Cricket now and I might have been indirectly responsible for speeding the ageing process in some of my fans, but in practice that's absurd. A cricketer who begins learning cricket with IPL is doomed. And I would appreciate it if you would not refer to me as "buddy".

IPL: I rest my case on the humor thing. But you still didn't answer my question, what do you actually do NOW?
Test: I teach them the art which they happily diminish playing you around dancing women and ignorant crowd. And I also...........

IPL: Hey hey hey! What do you mean? IPL cricketers aren't good enough? What about..........
Test: Excuse me, but I wasn't done. 

IPL: Ya ya I know you weren't done. It will take you 5 days. But what about the money honey? Look at all the money that I produce, and you're like, what, teaching "art" to people? Oooohhh big deal! Thank goodness for you! 
Test: Not just money, you also produce traitors like Viru and Zak who always manage to get fit for IPL, endangering national duty. In-fact I could distinctly recall a gentleman who had a train of thought similar to yours and now he is leading the Punjab cricket team.

IPL: Oh so you remember that but not his 400+ Test wickets? Nobody can stop him from making a Test comeback as well.
Test: Hmm. Ya the 400+ Test wickets. See, I do agree to an occasional slip-up but trust me time catches up with such cases sooner than later. As far as Test comeback is concerned, you have to wait for the day when all the stars and the moon line up. But tell me something my brother from a different mother, don't you find this statement a little insulting: 'A Test discard is an IPL champion'? Well, somebody got his Citi Moment Of Success alright.

IPL: Oh Ok Ok Ok. Relax uncle. You got me there. 
Test: Looked like a DLF maximum to me. <winks>

IPL: No. Looked more of a FU maximum. Anyway, how about cricketers like Raina, Jadeja and Yousuf Pathan? You know them only because of IPL. Don't you?
Test: And did I ever say it's a pleasure knowing them? See first of all, only Dhoni thinks Jadeja is a cricketer, okay? There are many who believe that he is an ISI agent who has been infiltrated to India only to spoil just the one thing that India championed (or so we believed briefly for a few days). But you must understand my 2-minute noodle, there are certain things in our universe which start for no apparent reason but some kind of divine intervention ends them. A case in point is Pooja Bhatt's acting career. Jadeja's is a similar case. Frankly, I am just waiting for what kind of divine intervention it's going to be this time. And by unleashing Pathan in IPL, you have given a boozer the key to the liquor cabinet. He's a ticking time bomb, unfortunately he's not going to explode on the field. And Raina, seriously? I have seen Raina playing Test cricket. Oh dear lord! The guy even gets into uncomfortable positions while watching short pitched bowling on TV. Somebody needs to tell your boys that just saying ''Test cricket is the real cricket" is not enough. 
RP Singh's reaction when asked
 if he can play Test Cricket

IPL: Look, I don't want to criticise you and all but you really suck! Anyway, so tell me what's life like for a Test match.
Test: Mostly drawn. Unless..... no never mind.

IPL: No, tell me what were you gonna say?
Test: I don't think you want to get into this right now, but I'll just give you the jist...

IPL: You're right, we don't want to talk about it right now or maybe never.
Test: Yes, but it disturbs me to talk about it. Because it means the game is dying, and that's upsetting to me. I just feel so...useless.

IPL:  So does the game dying affects you?
Test: Does it affects me? Does it affects me? You are one hell of a tough monkey. Hey, did you all hear that, "Does it affects me? He asks?" <falls off the chair laughing>

IPL: What's funny about that. Seems like a reasonable question.
Test: Ok I'll explain it.It's..<bursts out laughing again, uncontrollably>

IPL: Can I get you anything? Water? Concentrated H2SO4? Horse urine?
Test: Whew! Oh boy. No I'm fine,really. I'll be serious. <Deep breath>. Okay go on.

IPL: Now can u explain?
Test: Doesn't take a PhD here, you overly glorified bastard. Have you ever heard of a certain Rahul Dravid? What he used to do with a cricket bat in his hand was batting not what Mr Viru does. Hand-and-eye co-ordination my ass.

IPL: Oh is it. By the way, just to get some things out of the way, do you know how many Test triple hundreds Viru has? Just asking, you can choose not to answer.
Test: Well, like the beginning of universe, it's just one of the mysteries of nature.

IPL: I think I saw that one coming. Anything against you becomes a mystery of nature and anything that favors you is a part of nature's beauty. So anyway, since I have been taking shit from you all this time, let me get your opinion on this as well. What do you think of ODI's? They are closer to Tests, right?
Test: In their dreams! I am The Game thank you very much.

IPL: In the time that the Test bowlers wait for the rough created near the crease to showcase their 'art', IPL makes many international careers. You are sooooo slow. Couples break-up in shorter time these days.  
Test: Please, within the test cricket community, the word 'slow' is considered derogatory. We prefer 'Pace-challenged'.
Having said that, I do understand that it's a pain when someone like Chanderpaul settles in. We all know, what happens then. Sometimes my own men do my undoing. When he digs that bail in the ground to take guard at the start, trust me the bail becomes the nail and the ground becomes my coffin. Do you see the poetry in my words?

IPL: Ya, I also see a couple of drops of chloroform in them. Jokes apart, I have indeed seen an educational video about it once. Gets pretty brutal.
Test: Tell me about it! It may sound fun, but well you saw the footage. <Bursts into tears>

IPL: Here's a tissue.
Test: So anyway, why don't we talk about you?

IPL: Well, I have to admit life can be very luxurious being a 20 over episode. A lot of us feel guilty, especially around the holidays.
Test: Great. Even here you maintain a great strike rate of speaking trash. But trust me when I go, you are following me, maybe a little later but surely you will. Like it or not, our fates may be connected. So, I say we forget about all this and start friendship, of-course with an invisible asterisk over it. Let's go and get drunk while we still can? 

IPL: They let us drink? 
Test: Really IPL son? Do you really have to be so pretentious? We all know what happens in the IPL parties. Perhaps you are unaware about the drinking part because that's the least interesting of things happening around there.  

IPL: Ya that was one more thing I completely skipped over. The parties! So what do you have to say about that my economically-challenged friend? How do guys celebrate after playing Tests, huh? Sitting around fire, sipping tea and criticising the political landscape, huh? And by the way I made your highest wicket taker warm the bench. And the 'God' huh, your 'God', what about him, huh? For his country he plays only important matches, but did you see him miss any IPL match, huh my brother from a different father? From Dada to The Wall, they all wait for the Super Hit.
Test: Ya ya ya, just tell me you prefer soda or like it neat? 

And together they walked out, Test and IPL, with their souls wrung out and hearts sinking with a mixed emotion of pride and failure, realising that indeed both are powerful, not them, but Time and Money.     

P.S. This article is heavily (and I couldn't emphasize the plagiarism involved any more bluntly) based on the writing style of the Java programming book: Head First Java.


  1. oh man...this was a great work...pls show some mercy for jadeja...hahaha

  2. Are you awaiting a shortened form of test cricket, 2 days with 50 over innings each to show ODI some respect by atleast creating a character out of it? :P

  3. Are you awaiting a shortened version of test cricket (say 2 days with 50 over innings each) to bring out a ODI character into the scheme of the discussion? We are the ODI champs for pete's sake... :P

    1. Come-on man..those memories of Aus n Eng tours still haunt me.. no glory can wash that pain away :x