Potpourri: Cheergirls, Jr.Mallya and Al Qaeda!

Goes without saying that my last post on SRK (Gujaratis' response to Ra.One and much more!) has clearly taken its toll on my blog's popularity with the number of 'likes' getting reduced by approx 30%; even the Gujaratis weren't particularly pleased. But I am okay with it as long as it saved even a single person's ticket money. Some of the readers even went out of their way to mail be about how they feel that I am a sadist and would eventually meet a bitter and lonely end. Nevertheless, as shameless as I am, I will write another post here bombarding you with my observations from different fields of life: 


Cheergirls, Beauties at the cricket ground and the knowledgeable franchise-owners
We all like watching cheergirls at cricket grounds, reasons varying from person to person. But if you look at it, being a cheergirl is still not a recognized form of occupation. Do you really think, that somewhere in Sydney there will be a school girl in her fifth standard telling her mom how she dreams of becoming a cheergirl some day and dance at 48 degrees in Chennai every-time Subramaniam Badrinath hits a four after a prolonged period of watchfulness? Really? Very much like T20 cricket, even being a cheergirl is a stepping stone to reach a more skillful and appreciated form of the same occupation.


Anyway, staying with heat, what are your thoughts on those gorgeous looking girls in the audience that we get to see mainly during T20 matches. Whenever a wicket goes down, their expressions of extreme grief (of-course when the camera is on them) are so intense as if the Father Of The Nation died again and 1857 never happened. I am sure half of these hotties wouldn't be even knowing, at any stage of the match, if their team is doing well or bad, forget about knowing a single foreign player's name featuring in the side they are supporting.


Again staying with pretense, there is no doubt about the fact that Jr.Mallya is easily the most despised man in India at the moment. Any hard working individual automatically seems to develop an unprecedented hatred towards him. I sometimes wonder how much of a cricket match do these franchise owners understand. For example, I am pretty sure that Neeta Ambani comes to an IPL match just to test her biceps strength by lifting cricketers at the end of every match or would it be something like this:

Dad, are you sure you will be able to dive from 
slip and take all my catches? 

Jr.Mallya to his secretary (after the first innings): What do we have to do to win now?
Secretary: Sir, our players have to go out there and score one run more than the opposition has scored and sir its not 'we', its 'them'. You don't have to do anything. Please park yourself on the sofa seat alongside your equally untalented Ms Padukone.


Politics
I feel that in many ways UPA's war against corruption is like Pakistan's war against terror. With an equally pathetic opposition like BJP, Indians at the moment are so confused that they might as well go with whatever Arnab Goswami decides on Newshour. And when we are not suffering from news of corruption, there are these troublesome neighbouring countries. I am not much concerned with Pak cos I'm sure that eventually they are going to blow themselves up as soon as they are done with blocking FB, YouTube, Internet Explorer, Chrome, Mozilla etc. But it is the Chinese that concern me more. Sometimes there conspicuous presence in Pakistan worries me and at other times their bulldoggish presence on the Sino-Indian border intimidates me. This forces me to wonder what percentage of Chinese actually stay in China itself. 


Miscellaneous
By the way did you know that Al Qaeda have their own magazine and its named Inspire. I guess RAW would be really interested to get their hands on the list of Indians who have a subscription of Inspire. So what do you think these Inspire people offer extra on taking extended pre-paid subscriptions? One box of hand grenades free with a 3-month subscription? One all-in-one detonator kit with a 6-month subscription? All three volumes of 'How to become a successful suicide-bomber and stay happy ever after' with a 1-year subscription? Or perhaps a one week free stay in US for sightseeing along with a camera to capture important places as the lucky draw?

Zardari requests Hillary Clinton to get him a iPhone when she comes next for a surprise visit to Pakistan!

Islamabad. In the backdrop of Osama killing in Pakistan, US secretary of state Hillary Clinton made a surprise visit of Islamabad last week to discuss America's concerns over terrorism with Pakistan. While the world remains at sea with Pakistan's role in the so called War-On-Terror and its possibility of getting declared a terrorist state, Pakistan president Asif Ali Zardari seems to have a personal agenda of his own.


" Ya ya ya. War on terror, terrorists, Osama, Obama, LeT, JUD, Musharraf, Sharif, India, China, Abbottabad, Islamabad, state actors, non-state actors all that will go on and on. What Pakistan needs at the moment is a little boost on the technology front. Cutting the chase, actually I have been fostering this dream of owning a iPhone for quite some time now. My chief of staff tells me that one can get a iPhone for quite less in US, so I have requested Hillu to get one for me whenever she plans to surprise visit us next,"said Zardari who bought his last phone Nokia 1100 at 10% discount on becoming the president.


It is to be noted that the latest phone to hit the Pakistani market is MotoRazr so one understands Zardari's decision to stamp his authority through acquiring an iPhone. Although Zardari had been once gifted a iPhone in the form of a surprise package dropped at his doorstep but he burnt the handset owing to its logo of a chewed apple, thinking it to be a sick joke from RAW.


" I know getting iPhone from US could pose some jailbreak problem. But then you can ask any living soul on the face of the earth about the country which has the expertise in jailbreak area, it is us! Besides it will give me an opportunity to be always on-the-go," said a winking Zardari who uses 'iPhone' and 'iPad' interchangeably in his conversations. That last statement caused anxiety and worry in the Obama administration which has already been through a painful ordeal of chasing Osama bin Laden for almost a decade.

Zardari before receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

" We acknowledge receiving a iPhone request from the Pakistani president. Although the Congress has opposed the idea but we have decided to meet Pakistan's demands with this one as well," said the US state department spokesperson confirming receiving the request.


No sooner was this announcement made by the US, the Pakistani nation went into a celebration mode, swamping the streets with burning placards of Nokia 1100. Singing and dancing they celebrated the single biggest achievement in the political career of their president. The entire political caravan including the likes of Dawood reached the president's 1BHK mansion with a crate of half a dozen apples in a show of appreciation.

Zardari after receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

Completely over the cloud, Zardari was short of breath as he said," This accomplishment marks a historical day for Pakistan. I appreciate the graciousness showed by the US. They even went out of their way to ask me if I wanted iPhone 3 or 4 ? Ha Ha Ha.. But I turned down their offer gracefully saying what will I do with so many iPhones. One is enough for me." Zardari paused to count the number of apples in the crate and continued, " Looks like our relationship with America dates back to stone age. In fact my secretary has just informed me that US has even sent me some list and I can bet my bottom dollar that it would be the list of tariff plans for me to choose from as I had also asked for an AT&T connection."

So while the entire Pakistani nation wait for their president to wake up to the alarm tone of iPhone and save the country, one thing is for sure: If you don't have an iPhone, well, you don't have an iPhone!

Pakistani athletes unhappy about excessive cleanliness in Games Village!

New Delhi: 

The chef-de-mission of the Pakistan contingent in the Delhi Commonwealth Games has filed a complaint with the Organising Committee that the facilities at the Games Village are too clean for them to survive there. Be-Wajah Shah said he has filed a complaint with the organisers that the Indians have again back-stabbed their brothers from different mothers, that they lured Pakistan into participating here by showing to them filthy pics of the toilets and hotel rooms, but now that the Games have begun, everything appears “tip-top”.

“It came as a rude shock to me given that the initial pictures were so promising. For long now, India has been eyeing that lone bronze medal that we win in forgery. Since they can’t defeat us in forgery so they create such an alien environment for us,” Shah said.

He further added: “With all these shining floors, silken blankets, top-class training facilities et al, India seems to have invested millions not to host a mega event of global recognition but just to fry Pakistan’s ass. But let’s not fool ourselves. Pakistan will do everything in its capacity to spread filth around and bring the entire arrangement down to Paki standards. A tinge of terrorist activities here and there goes without saying.”

“It doesn’t stop there. Even the food that we are provided here is so nutritious. What good do these cornflakes and fruit juices do? We came here thinking that we will devour tonnes of Biryani. Every time I go out to enjoy food in Pakistan with my friends, there is some bomb blast or the other. I haven’t had a decent meal in a long long time. Coming to India was my only hope, but I guess what people back home say about India is true. Traitors! Yeah, you heard it right. That’s what you people are,” said a seemingly nonchalant Shah.

“The organisers have even tested four of our athletes for a possible dope intake. I want to ask the CWG Organising Committee — what is going on here? Don’t they know that taking hashish with morning tea is customary in our country? Do they have any idea how gruelling such investigations are? I will go as far as to say that they are the psychological equivalent of a complete rectal examination, ” added a very sombre Shah.

Shah was earlier involved in a controversy on the opening day of the CWG when he had a dust-up with Shuja Malik, a CWG gold medallist, over who’ll occupy the room with the maximum paan stains in it.

CWG gold medalist Shuja Malik

Pakistani swimming team captain Narak-e-Tairaak echoed the thoughts of Shah: “I don’t get this sense of cleanliness that the Indians have developed overnight. What is all this hypocrisy? Now take the example of yesterday. One of the maintenance fellows stripped me out of the pool just because he caught me peeing in the pool. What harm will a little additional salt in the pool water do?”

Three days ago, an unnamed Pakistani gymnast felt he might be suffering from constipation, until he located a railway track nearby. He rues: “This commode thing is totally alien to us? We feel a little under the weather if we have to crap anywhere other than the railway track or Tora-Bora mountain. Other Pakistani sportsmen can go without crapping for days as they have a solemn belief in the gaseous state of things but people like gymnasts need to do a lot of bending and stretching and we definitely are not among those who give their country a bad name in front of millions.”

Rumours are rife that the Organising Committee  awarded the Pakistani contingent an “earthenware medal” even before the competition began and instructed them to leave for their clean motherland as soon as possible.

This article was first published by me on News That Matters Not. Here is the Link