Sunday, November 18, 2012

Movie Review: Jab Tak Hai Jaan - Let's share the pain!

Ok this is going to be a quick and short one, in one single-shot, no edits, no rethinks, so pardon any typos, grammatical or otherwise, as the subject of this post is far from being flawless.

I was about to go to sleep but there was a feeling of restlessness, something was amiss. After 2 seconds of deep thinking I realized it was the movie 'Jab Tak Hai Jaan' that I watched today which was not letting me sleep, which is quite strange because it literally chloroform-ed me into sleep many a times while the show was on. It had frustrated me to no end. So much so that I decided to come out of my retirement from writing movie reviews.

So here it goes, in a step-by-step fashion I will point out some of the goof-ups. I may miss some of them as for most of the part either I was sleeping or was waking up my friend from sleep or convincing him to 'let's get out of here'. Some of my time was also consumed in noticing that how many people are leaving the theater and at what point in the movie. Best was one Telugu family of 7 members which left within the first 15 minutes; surely they got the wrong screen, King of Bollywood cannot be that bad !
Sri Sri Sri Bomb Disposal Baba.

1) Movie starts with our dear SRK being shown as a member of garbage  bomb disposal squad who goes about his job without wearing any protection gear. Of-course he does wears fancy sunglasses and biker gloves cos Yashji wanted it to be that way. Thanks to his habit of smoking, SRK has already diffused 97-98 bombs with trembling fingers, thus earning him the title of 'Man who cannot die'. No No No ,don't take a deep breath now, time for that will come. Now is the time to sit back and laugh loudly for at-least 5 minutes.

2) On not even noticing carefully, one could easily observe that everytime SRK diffuses a bomb he is wearing a very expensive looking (probably Tag Heuer) watch. Of-course it's not a hidden secret that Indian Army pays its soldiers in millions of dollars.

3) Anushka Sharma enters the movie with a scene in which she is drowning in a small still lake. After half an hour she reveals to SRK that she is a national level swimmer and a deep-sea diver. Now that the Olympics riddle of India is solved, you can take a deep breath.

4) Anushka needs to make a documentary on 'Man who cannot die' (lol), so she is allowed to romance around the 'Man ..' while the 'Man ..' is busy diffusing bombs in the bomb-laden valleys of Leh.

5) Movie takes us into a flashback in London, where (time to sit and read) SRK is a 25 year old. By that calculation of time, Anushka's father would still be planning to propose her mother.

6) While in London, SRK works in a small time fish shop and in the free time, begs around the street by playing guitar and singing. Of-course that doesn't stops him from wearing some of the most scintillating outfits (Thanks to Yashji).

7) One of the customers of SRK's macchi-dukaan gets impressed for god-knows-what reason, and offers him the job of a waiter in a posh restaurant where SRK works in such groomed suit and wet-hair-combed-backwards as if he is just about to walk the red carpet at the Oscars (A distant possibility in real life).

8) It is at this posh restaurant only where the 25-year old SRK meets Kats (probably fresh out of the womb) and they hit it off. SRK takes no time to plant a kiss on Kats, something which I believe he originally did this movie for. Take that Salman, it's revenge time !

9) SRK meets a accident and is critical when Kats promises Jesus that if SRK survives then she will never meet him again. Normally an absurd logic but goes along well with this movie. Also Kats is shown a Punjabi but she visits churches on a strict basis.

10) When SRK regains consciousness, he gets completely pissed off (who wouldn't) with Kats newly made promise with Jesus: 'I'm ready to live without him if he is alive'

11) So SRK decides to prove Kats' concept wrong and joins Indian Army where he will play with danger on a daily basis. Of-course SRK could have eaten rat poison or jumped in front of a rushing train to prove the point, but that would have cut the movie short by approx 2.5 hours and we wouldn't have been made to pay for our sins of this life in this life!

12) Movie returns to the original story with the 'Man ..' diffusing bombs all over the place. Now, Discovery channel asks Anushka that for the documentary to be accepted they need to do some sort of phony fact-check. Of-course they could have sent a team for the authentication to Leh where SRK Baba used to reside but then how would have SRK traveled back to London.

13) So SRK goes to London and guess what, meets another accident. Good thing SRK doesn't stays in Kanpur. Anyway, so he suffers some sort of stupid memory condition in which (if you have gotten up then please be seated again) he has traveled back in time when he met the first accident, so essentially he has forgotten all about Anushka and thinks that his pairing with Kats is still on. Doctor asks Kats to comply accordingly and requests Anushka to get lost! You can stop reading at this point now if you want and I won't blame you.

14) So SRK and Kats start living like a happy couple and I think during this time, (if I wasn't asleep) SRK plants another one on Kats, to the utter dismay of Sallu. However, Kats was still stuck up with her promise to Jesus of not marrying SRK.

15) Kats is fed up by now and decides to quit the drama even after the doc pleads her not to do so. Of-course the doc is of Indian origin, wasn't that obvious in our movies? Anyway so the doc asks Anushka to appear back as this may bring the bastard's memory back. If at this point of time, you are asking yourself that SRK had seen Anushka after the 2nd accident, so if it didn't work then then how will it work now, then you don't know much about medical science so just shut up and read.

16) The pain could have ended here but Yashji had other plans. So one day SRK was at a metro station where there was a stampede owing to a bomb inside the train. Now please be brave for reading the next 2 lines. So, that bomb scare immediately brings SRK's memory back, making him recall the days when he was diffusing bombs like putting out past year leftover Deepawali-chakarghinnis. So SRK plunges into action right away, pushing away the crowd to diffuse the bomb in the presence of UK policemen. This is the same guy who gets stripped off in every international airport on a day-to-day basis, but in the movie, the UK POLICE ALLOWS A BROWN MAN TO COME NEAR A BOMB.

17) So now that SRK has regained his memory and with Kats not willing to change her promise, he decides to return to Indian Army (Yes, you can come and go anytime there) to play around with IEDs.

It was déjà vu all over again as I felt that I was watching Tara serial on Zee Tv which if I'm not mistaken completed 1000 episodes until Zee Tv itself got bored and blocked it I think. I left the theater at that point so not sure what happened at the end. Probably, Kats and Anushka married each other or whatever. Anyway, if you are a SRK fan, then you must be thinking that what kind of a loser I am who has nothing better to do in life. As true as that is, that's not the point. The point here is that our heads hang with shame, when we see the movies of Hollywood greats and compare them with SRK's (assumedly a Bollywood great). Also, I must shamelessly admit that my respect of a great film-maker has nosedived.

So that was it. A review after a long time, but JTHJ literally begged for it. Hopefully, I will not be needed to write another review. What? Dabangg2 is approaching?  


  1. Ankur, might i say best review so far ? Ah no, next to the Not so Dirty Picture's :)

    1. I assume when u say Dirty Picture's review u mean the one on my blog and not the heated discussion of Vidya Balan Vs Asin that we both had with our esteemed colleagues :)

  2. kya maari hai bhai.. Yash ji ki aatma tumhe nahi chodegi :D :D

  3. Replies
    1. :) Typical SRK fan.. no balls .. commenting and hiding behind 'anonymous' name ..

    2. loved ur reply!.. nice review btw!

    3. get some balls....
      anonymous- balls what ?

    4. No balls...huh
      anonymous- balls what ? :-P

    5. Let us not get sucked-in in the male anatomy too much here :D

  4. kya. zabardast .. i might not tough this movie.. but read every line of ths...suicidingly hilarious.. :).. By the way.. no cure for shah rukh.. his mind has become one like..the.. curious case of benjamin..:)

  5. movie. tho mai dekhonga nahien.. lekhin.. ek lafz nahi choda hai edhar.. :)
    and for shah ruukh.. he has lost his mind.. pity him..

    1. u must watch it .. with a grp of 4-5 frnds.. its funny !

  6. hmmm.... I am a hardcore Shahrukh fan..watched all his movies including ramjaane n billu barber too in multiplexes...cant miss raone to appear in the long list....but still i agree to your review above..he is loosing his charm n shud do only the movies which can justify his age n ofcourse face ( botox dint help much to hide those wrinkles) ... good article...kept me engaged till the end. :) :)

    1. thnx :) I like the way he carries his outfits.. but he has to understand the demands of the role.. u can't luk like a prince when u r playing a pauper ..

  7. Really Really interesting review. Thoroughly enjoyed it, thanks for all the fun I had reading this.

  8. Wow..wat a review!!..kept laughing through out..this is far better than the movie..kudos to you...

  9. Bhai maza aa gaya isbaar... sahiiii!!

  10. I'd say story and direction are not Shahrukh's problems!
    If he acted well, probably directing potshots at Shahrukh is not whats to be done.
    Its the director and the story writer who is to be blamed!
    Yes he signed the movie but a commoner like me (or you) don't know what cooked in Shahrukh Khan's mind before taking that movie.
    I agree that the movie wasn't bearable. But the same guy has done Swades, Chak de! and Devdas, which were internationally acclaimed.
    Though I agree that the role in 'My name is Khan' was inspired by Dustin Hoffman's portrayal in 1988's classic 'Rain Man' ; but this doesn't change the fact that he acted well!
    Also, Shahrukh Khan is has an extensive knowledge of film-making that has been re-told even by 'Opus'.
    Things like Typical SRK fans?.. Inappropriate.
    I'm not a Shahrukh khan 'fan' !
    Neither do I follow him!
    You think it was a movie review- a word wasn't spoken about cinematography, music, background score!..
    come on!.. name's anuj.. not anonymous! :)

    1. Agree with u completely.. my only complain is movie selection as mentioned in the last para.. nd he hasnt done it for the 1st time.. anyway its a never ending debate, so ditch it! :)
      I review from a 'commoner's' point of view, so don't take cinematography etc into consideration.. thr r plenty of ppl like Masand for tht.. ppl come here to read wht probably Masands can't say on air.. no offence..

    2. I agree!.. But people start believing that!
      Which might not be true!
      Unparalleled truth ka maza hi kuch aur hai :P
      The 'review' does need an unbiased ..rather unprejudiced outlook!
      I have also been a silent observer of your blog! :P
      that's a consistent thing i have found! :)

    3. I know man.. but i loose my temper when I see bogus movies making crores of rupees in the 1st day,2nd day .. Bodyguard for example :)

    4. Ha!.. and I wasn't the Anonymous ..with the 'f you' above :P :D
      God bless him! :D

    5. :) Ya i know,, he's an old frnd of mine.. he reads every post of mine and disagrees in a rather unparliamentary fashion :)

  11. SRK ko mail karo ye n thodi akal do :) !!!!

    1. Ek mail se kuch nahi badlega dost.. tht ship has sailed ! :)

  12. another master class boss.... now i can watch RA.ONE peacefully...please tell me hw SRK reached london in less thn 24 hrs? and the procedure of gettin a job in indian army with complimentary glasses and bullet bike.