Sunday, July 22, 2012

What women must know about Men's daru parties!

There was a time not very long ago, when women would wonder, with the frustration of Sunny Deol's choreographer and Sunny Leone's photographer, both combined, that what is it that draws men to drinking; what is it that men start walking like zombies as soon as a friend invites them for a drinks party. Of-course most of them have stopped wondering now, as they themselves have started indulging, thanks to the 'Liberal Women' crap. But just in case there are still some left from the almost extinct 'Sati Savitri' species, let me inform them that it's not the quality or quantity of alcohol, but the drinkers and their mannerisms, that makes these binge parties a gents-magnet. Here are a few 'characters' and their 'mannerisms' that make a Daru-party the addiction that it is:

The Bartender: Rest assure that there has never been and shall never be a certified daru-party without this one friend who assumes the role of a bartender. Nobody knows what drives this guy to do it, perhaps little moments of feeling 'being-in-charge', but be as it may, everyone in the party instantaneously trusts his knowledge of peg-measurements. Clean glasses, ice-cubes, 30 ml, 60 ml, you name it, our bartender friend juggles them perfectly. Whats more, post 4-5 rounds, when all the so-called bevdas start ROFP (rolling on the floor puking), he is the only guy still making the dreaded pegs with uncompromising precision and motherly care (as in 'Vicky Donor'). Selfless bugger this one!

The Bania: Meeting long-lost friends after an eternity? College reunion? Stopping by for a quickie (drink I mean)? Celebrating a success? Mourning a loss? The occasion doesn't matters to this guy. The only thing that occupies his mind is that he should be able to drink/eat worth the money he had contributed in arranging the party. With this man on mission, there would be plenty of cheap situations like sudden disappearance of the salted-cashews,dry chilli paneer not completing one full round of the table etc. Everybody at the party are left wishing that this guy achieves his 'no losses incurred' mission as soon as possible, making way for normalcy.

The Singer: This guy waits restlessly for such gatherings, expecting people under the alcoholic influence to lose their judgement and ask him to sing. And once he starts, there is no stopping! From Kishore Kumar to Kumar Sanu, nobody is spared. Jokes apart, he is generally a good singer. A very potent cog in the daru-party wheel! 

The Host: For most part of the party, he is not a happy man, particularly if he is married and hosting the party in his wife's absence. I mean who would be happy watching his home sweet home turn into a sty within the space of a few hours. Like a maestro overseeing a musical performance, this guy manages the entire drinking-event, conducting businesses like ordering food, preparing salad, issuing guidelines like who should not be allowed beyond a certain number of drinks and, the most important of them all, who should be sitting closest to the wash basin. I am yet to see, in my glorified career as a distinct drunk, the host being the first to go down. Never! Also, invariably, he is the one to egg people to sing or recite a shayari. The Singer's favorite this guy, not surprising is it?

The Non-Drinker: Yes! There is almost always a non-drinker in the daru-party too, silently sipping a Pepsi in the corner, shooting a video. He may or may not be threatened instructed requested by his wife/GF to return sober. Although I must say that participating in a daru-party and not drinking is not easy, one fumble and the entire bevda group would be all over the guy, coming up with wise cracks like 'Abey, Pepsi chadh gayee kya?' It doesn't ends there. If there is a scarcity of chakhna or side-dishes then this guy is asked to adjust as the underlying principle of Nashebaazi dictates that the drinkers be given the first right to food. As if putting up with all the non-sense during the course of the party isn't enough, this guy (possibly in tandem with The Host) had to do all the cleaning-up and dropping off of bodies later.

The Tanker (or so he thinks): Another regular at daru parties. Thinks optimistically that some day 'drinking' will qualify to be a category in Olympics. He challenges everyone to drink more and pulls out of the hole those who are silently skipping pegs. He is also never short of letting lose some venomous remarks on The Non-Drinker for not drinking. Goes without saying that he is also the first one to go down and become a liability for The Host. He would frequently slip into (fake) philosophical mode, touching topics like 'How to keep your wife under control', 'Total recall of the gorgeous school teachers' or 'college time crushes who are now married to someone else and already a mother of two', nothing goes under the radar of this guy. You surely would have run into this kind of guy in daru-parties, you know the one who is barely able to walk at the end but insists: "Gimme the keys, I will drive." Always charged up, like the outermost shell electron (valence electron was it?)
Sri Sri Sri Johnnie Walker ko
 barambar pranam!

The Tanker (real one): As expected, he is just the opposite of his evil twin (the other Tanker). He goes about his business, peg after peg, in a very silent and professional way. No bragging, no challenging, no trash talk, just more daru!

The Romantic: The guy in love! He urges The Singer to let out the most romantic of songs (another favorite of The Singer). Most often than not he tests others' patience (particularly the fake Tanker), with his depressing and thoughtful talks. Although sometimes his deep talks have an opposite effect, bringing out crazy statements (mostly from the fake Tanker guy) like: "You love her right? Let's go, we'll kidnap her !" However, things take an ugly turn when The Romantic, after hours of whining, resorts to watching porn.

About the author: He is a qualified drunk who has already successfully presented a white paper challenging the 'Those who drink go straight to hell' ideology. He could be reached at numerous drinking joints during the weekend and the weekdays.


  1. I have just two things.
    One,pretty negligible, spelling of 'spared' in THE SINGER!

    Second,and this is non-negotiable:How on earth is Sunny Leone's photographer a frustrated man?I mean just how?

    Overall, sahi hai!:)

    1. Can't help a poor writer.. cant afford a proof-reader :(
      2nd, Sunny Deol's choreographer's frustration is diff frm Leone's photographer's frustration which is like tht of a halvai sitting in a sweet shop..has all the delicacies in front of him but cant taste it ;)

  2. good one :)

  3. Replies
    1. Im sure u didn't mean to put 'About' in that sentence ;)

  4. Oye ham logo ne jo bhi parties kari thi..mujhe sabhi ka naam yaad aa raha hai aur kaun kis category mein jayega ye bhi;)..Good One Dude..LOL

  5. i suppose that Agar trip did contribute... keep it up...

  6. Dude ..Seems to be you are not aware about Baniya's community...they were meant to the calculations of financial data long time pandits are meant to worship the god at a temple or somewhere else...
    They are not selfish neither they are greedy to get more than anybody else...

    Now they spend lavishly and live life to the fullest specially on friends...

    Rest of your article is good and true...

    1. :) Bhai tu to senti ho gaya .. By the way that section was suggested by one of my Bania frnds only :D

    2. Hehe.. controversial banane de jaayda comment aayenge....:-p