Why Saas-Bahu Soaps are a pain in the ass!

Today we will not focus on the problem because the problem relates back to women, dealing with whom is out of scope of this article and also the universe. So let's just focus on what makes this problem a problem. Let me begin by telling you all that I get exposed to this Saas-Bahu bullshit just twice a year i.e. when I am visiting my native on vacation. One might argue that this is not a very 'high' frequency but trust me, considering the 'quality' of bullshit, it indeed cranks up-to intolerable levels. 


Now keeping up with my legendary habit of bullshitting around (Boy, bulls all over the world have suddenly run into diarrhea today or what!) before coming to the crux of the matter, let me explain to you that why this post was long overdue. You might be wondering why are these Saas-Bahu soaps such a big pain in the ass for me even though I am subjected to this nonsense just twice a year. But unlike me, you don't see the larger picture. You see, let me put across my point using a slightly peculiar analogy. Think of Ekta Kapoor as Osama Bin Laden, Balaji Productions as Al-Qaeda and all the various soap series as the terrorist training camps. What makes this as a life-endangering issue for me is that it is going to be me who would be caught in the line of fire: My mother has been watching all these soaps religiously for years, getting trained for the Saas role, and I'm more than certain, that in some corner of the country, my would-be wife too would be watching these and training herself for the Bahu role. There, now you see why I am a worried man.


But the humble being that I am, I will not allow my personal future worries to hog the limelight on this platform which is specifically dedicated for the social welfare. Therefore, allow me to compile just a few aspects of these Saas-Bahu soaps which raise the stupidity bar each day of the week, higher and higher till a Salman Khan flick hits the theaters:


(Not necessarily in the increasing order of stupidity)


#1: First of all my favorite one: Whenever a shocking event unfolds in these soaps, the camera will show each and every member of the family with that 'astonished' expression. Of-course you are not allowed to question why are all the members of these huge family always together.


#2: I know all females swear by their favorite serials. Now I am not questioning the integrity of women. No sir, No! But try asking them about how their favorite serial ended and you will find that they will draw a blank. Yes, that's a proven fact. No living soul remembers how their favorite serial ended that's because stupidity beats patience. Nobody remembers how 'Tara' ended or how 'Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahut Thi' ended. 

A case in point: The highly innocent
Prerna Bahu (Shweta Tiwari) 

#3: There will always be a generous character in the serial, you know of 'Tulsi' or 'Parvati' or 'Prerna' kind, who will always be engaged in the welfare of the entire world. Be it the family of the bride's side or groom's side, nobody will ever come to know of any trouble brewing in the family except for this generous character. Starting from a family member diagnosed with a life threatening disease to a family member who has 2-3 illicit wives and children, only this Mother Teresa of a character needs to worry. Needless to mention, that all the other females in the soap will be hating this character. 


#4: (Perhaps my second favorite this one) Haven't you ever noticed that the characters in these dorky serials talk so much to themselves. Who has this much freaking time and it breaks all the stupidity barriers when they talk to themselves by speaking out loud too (to ensure that it is heard to).


#5: Although I belong to a middle-class family, I have been to affluent people's houses but I have never ever seen all family members at all points of time being dressed in such tip-top manner with full make-up. The kind of heavy Bappi Lahiri-like jewellery that the bahus are shown wearing while preparing Dhokla in the kitchen is quite extra-ordinary, not to mention stupid. And those ba and dadis, man! They might go through a day having missed their catheter but the lipstick shade is never lost. Again, you can blame my middle-class upbringing to have this perception.


#6: So what do you do when you have to open yourself to someone, I mean if you have to confide in somebody or reveal a secret to someone that has been eating you from inside? You walk up to the person and say so, after guaranteeing enough privacy right? No No No No, in the Saas-Bahu soap world that's a taboo. That's something against the common etiquette here. If you have to talk secretly then you must ensure that the door is not locked or if the door is locked mistakenly then atleast there should be a window open, or else how will the other bahu/saas/bhabhi or any other member of the party which is always plotting against you will listen to the secret right? So never say again that soap-makers don't think of a plot. They do, mindless yes, but they do. 


#7: Talking about secrets, I am sure this one would have frustrated you many a times. I know I will not be able to explain the scenario in mind as succinctly as I would have liked, but nevertheless. Scenario: Girl wants to tell her father about her love affair but gets interrupted by somebody or the other everytime. This continues till a big function is arranged, of-course for no apparent reason, in which her demented father announces her engagement to a different guy and all hell breaks loose. WOW!! Have any of you seen this in real life?


#8: How do you open a door on hearing a bell or a knock? You ask who is it or you peep through the peephole or in the worst case you open the door tentatively trying to get the glimpse of the person as soon as possible right? But that's not how it works in the Saas-Bahu soap world. They open the door looking at the floor slowly raising their face to be startled to find their ex-hubby/ex-lover (both must not have undergone plastic surgery in this case) standing their. Hope you noticed this one before!


#9: I would like to end it with a point about the latest trend in the serials. My inside sources tell me that off-late the usual pattern of Saas being the bad one has been overtaken by Bua or Dadi-Bua character. Is it true?


P.S. The author has 'nervously' assumed that there aren't 'many' Ekta Kapoor fans who will feel offended reading this article. Also, the author has 'safely' assumed that there aren't 'any' Tushar Kapoor fans who love him so much that they will feel offended for his sister.


P.P.S. Any females or males who are about to hit the 'comment' section in a range of anger to throw profanities at me must understand that there is something called as the 'Comment Moderation' feature. Yes, I use this feature primarily to avoid the truth but also because it is consistent with the rest of my personality of being a 'Coward'. Happy frustration sisters!