Indian Traffic: Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason!

I heard somewhere from someone that somebody said: "You show me the roads of a country and I will show you the soul of that country." I think we can safely discount that that 'somebody' hailed from India else he would have been accused of racism. Moreover, in case of India, I'm sure the soul will be wearing a 'Under Construction' t-shirt, which will be white in color as that's what Ramsay Brothers have taught us from our childhood. 

♫♫ .. Teri Meherbaniyan ..♫♫ 

Traffic-Road situation in India is just not an ordinary situation like (putting my Congress cap on): increasing cases of farmer-suicides or rising number of rape cases in high testosterone regions like Delhi and Haryana. It's more like a Joint Entrance Exam to Dronacharya's Gurukul: It tests your respect for someone's privacy in how you bypass humping cattle (without disrupting the process); It tests your patience in how you react when you see a local bus holding up the traffic for hours in the thinnest of lanes; It tests your civility in how calm you can be when an Uncleji who was supposed to go straight is waiting for the green light blocking the free-turn; It tests your sense of hygiene in how you avoid running over an otherwise well-placed animal (and also human if you are nearby Kanpur railway station) excreta; It tests your respect for the law of the land in how you control yourself from taking a road which was until last night not a one-way; It tests your belief in God in how skillfully you save yourself from running over the neembu-mirchi (Lemon-Chilly) black-magic combination. The list is endless and unfortunately, nobody comes out of this exam as an Eklavya or Arjuna of the Mahabharata fame, but more like Arjuna Ranatunga after a long day's play- a very tired-looking and frustrated man.

At this point you must understand that the one and only principle governing traffic in India is: 'You are always right'. Yes, YOU are always right. So what if you are going in the illegitimate direction in a one-way street; So what if you don't think it's important to put on the indicator light for some 'obvious' turns; So what if you honk the horn excessively or don't honk at all; So what if after multiple years of driving experience you still don't know the difference between Hi-Beam an Dipper, but you are always right! 

Now that we have gained the basic understanding, lets dive into the problem. Two things majorly constitute the traffic problem in India: First, the driver-unfriendly roads (and in some cases lands that should have been roads) and second the always-in-hurry drivers (Talking about auto-drivers is out of the article's scope. Kindly refer my upcoming book: 'Sons Of Chyawanprash').

I think it would be wise of us to assume for the sake of practicality that the first problem can't be resolved. I swear to God, some of the roads are so unroadly that even if somebody is not due for delivery may deliver one, a 'baby' I mean. So much so that travelling on such roads is the only cardio exercise that people do on a daily basis. Besides, there is this growing hobby of every resident to make a personal speed-breaker right outside his house. I'm surprised they haven't started putting their autographs on them already. Don't they understand that the two fundamental words involved in speed-breaker are 'speed' and 'break'! What will the latter do without the former? And if you escape all of this then our brave policemen will catch you for not wearing seat-belt!!

Whenever I see the pathetic condition of the roads in our country, I feel the same pain that I experience every evening when my cook asks: 'What would you like to have, Alu-Gobi or Bhindi?'. I feel the pain not because I love my country and all that crap, but because I have never been able to enjoy a good car drive. This was not the vision I had when I took that hefty loan from that chor I-see-I-see-I bank. I'm not even sure if the car manufacturer has indeed put the fourth and the fifth gears as promised in the manual. The gear stick shows the numbers but what if I put my car to fourth gear and a sound plays 'Sorry! We never thought that you would make it this far. Have you left the country'? To pile on the pain, every car ad on the TV shows people being all happy and glad, rushing on even, smooth roads punching a hole in my soul. They go even a step further and show people gliding past till they reach their room and park it there, and I couldn't even get to reach my apartment without loosening a couple of screws of my car in the process.

Probably the most mystifying thing plaguing our country is the road-repair plan prepared by the local contractors, if it is prepared at all. Consider yourself alien if you haven't seen the best road in your locality getting repaired repeatedly while the ones which were built before independence continue unattended.  

By the way, when was the last time you saw a zebra-crossing white stripes across the road and moreover people following it? Perhaps that's asking for too much. I guess as long as we don't see actual zebras crossing the road, we are good to go.

Needless to say that bad roads go hand in hand with huge traffic jams. Being in Bangalore gives you a lot of such funny situations when a person new to Bangalore plans going by the 'Suggested Time' in Google Maps. Poor Google! How in world will it guess that bus drivers here sit cross-legged on their seats, leaving just one leg to tackle all of clutch, break and accelerator. To make matters worse, there are these generous driving schools. The beauty about these driving schools is that they will be teaching some Auntiji how to drive an Alto right in the middle of the most busiest market. Talk about being thrown in at the deep end! And how about that drunk guy who starts acting as a traffic policeman after coming out of the bar!

So what can we do about this menace? As individuals we can't improve ourselves and become civilized as that goes against our DNA. We can't also expect our government to help in this regard, as it is always busy covering their own tracks. So I guess the only thing left is to make others life a living hell by not allowing to squeeze back people, who swing out of their way to overtake but on seeing an oncoming vehicle try to squeeze back in. That's pretty much it!

As an afterthought, people have often accused me of just cribbing about an existent problem without caring to offer a solution, you know with this being a public welfare blog and all. So this time in the spirit of Diwali bonus, I intend to provide the solution as well. So friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears. The solution to this traffic menace is DANDA. No that is Dinda and he is neither an answer to Indian traffic problem nor Indian pace bowling problem. I meant DANDA as in lathi or stick. Let me quote an incident that happened a long long time ago i.e. when I was young and a college-goer. So there I was, waiting at a traffic signal on my gareebon-wali (Poorman's) Bajaj Platina bike along with many others when suddenly one of my college's local Bruce Lee decided to jump the bike on the footpath and proceed. Now that was nothing unusual, after-all some 'veer' people have earlier driven their vehicles on the footpath (with people sleeping on it). Seeing our Bruce Lee, myself with some others were also about to follow when out of nowhere, a policeman pounced on our Bruce Lee in a true Singham like fashion. In the next 15 seconds our Singham dished out Danda to our Bruce Lee's backside so viciously that he had to come to college in formals for the next fortnight.

Till this day, I haven't taken the footpath route on my vehicle. In-fact after that incident, I don't even walk on the footpath. I'm more than sure, that the Danda onslaught had a deep impact on others, like me, who were present at the scene. So that is how the Danda solution works. All the police needs to do is, deliver 1 danda subah-dopahar-shaam (Morning-Afternoon-Evening) on some wise ass for the next 30 days. In medical terms:
1---------------------1--------------------1  X  30 
(I worked for a short-while as a compounder too in a clinic when the IT industry was booming booming like the young Afridi)

You would be amazed to see the wild-fire-like speed with which the stories of such incidents spread and in turn straighten people for good. For instance, let's assume that at-least a million people will read this article and then share on Facebook, thus the article will reach at-least a billion people and go a long way in correcting this problem. 

So barring the wishful use of the words 'million' and 'billion', how did you like the idea in its entirety? Of-course I'm neither the son of a millennium superstar nor the husband of a former Miss World so why would you say 'What an idea sirjee!'.

From सफ़र-ing to Suffer-ing !

I have never been a good traveler. Among other things that I'm bad at, I suck exclusively in travelling. Flight travel in particular pisses me off. Allow me to explain (in a Manish Tiwari way):

Just too much of BS: I am yet to make peace with the fact that for a flight time of 1-2 hours (which by the way costs you a fortune in holiday season), there is at-least 1-2 hours of BullShit accompanying it. It starts from the travel to the airport which will be located almost in a different city which means two things: First, you never go to drop anybody off, which in a way is a good thing unless you are fresh in love. Second, if you do have to indeed go for a drop-off then the traveling party will reach their homes before you return to yours. Of-course in case of such drop-offs, the dropper has to call the droppee and inform that he has reached his home safely. Weird!
Then comes the first circle of class-Z security, right at the entrance of the airport. This is mostly presided over by policemen, half of whom would look like candidates who have been requesting VRS for at-least 10-15 years but denied and the rest would look so weak and helpless that even polio would spare them.
This is followed by you becoming a mouse (for the first time in the day) and running through the maze-like queue at the ticket counter. Of-course if you are tech-savvy unlike me, then  you can do a web check-in from home, not from that computer at the airport cos that is just a showpiece to tell the foreigners that 'we know what's going on in the west..'
Now it's the time for you to become the mouse-in-a-haze for the second time - proceeding towards the security check. In this most painful part your laptop/phone will be x-rayed inside and you will be humiliated on the outside. Unless your sexual orientation is 'aligned' with that of Karan Johar's, you are not going to enjoy redoing school PT moves and the security guy touching you at inappropriate places (not necessarily in the same order).
Let me point out to you, a couple of incidents that happened with me right at the security podium where you climb up to be examined. 
In the first one, I was ready at the podium, all prepared to be 'touched' (reluctantly of-course), having removed coins and sunglasses and placed at the side. The security guy begins to check me when he notices the sunglasses on the side.
Security Guy: "These are a very good pair of glasses. Which brand is it? "
Me (in the arms-stretched position): "Ray-Ban"
Security Guy: "How much do these cost?"
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "4700 bucks"
Security Guy: "Put them on. Let me see how they look."
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "What !!"
Security Guy: "Yes. Put them on just for a minute."
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "Sir, what are you talking about? There are dozens of people looking, I won't make a fool of myself!"
Security Guy: "I don't care!"
Me (still in the arms-stretched position): "WTF! The nerve of you son of a bitch!"

Of-course, I didn't actually say out the last dialogue else two years after, I would still be standing there in the arms-stretched position with the glasses on. But I guess we all have learnt that being a citizen of a country (which by the way is also world's biggest democracy) whose name is often preceded by the adjective 'incredible', there are some limitations.

Anyway, without getting into the details of how the incident ended, let me tell you about the second incident. This was around the time when there was some hoax warning by the terrorists about blowing up the Delhi airport or something, thereby calling for extreme security at the airport. Unfortunately one of the parts of that extreme security package was a huge sniffer DOG! So there I'm, all-ready to get down from the podium after being reluctantly touched yet again, when suddenly I noticed that a sniffer dog of the size of a lion is standing right at the top of the outlet of the X-Ray machine, just next to the conveyer belt. If that was not disturbing enough, I noticed that the dog was not even chained. NOT EVEN CHAINED !! Would you believe it !

West's idea of protecting their people

I hadn't known till then that turning the passengers into dog-food was Delhi police's idea of safeguarding them. The very sight of that monster made me run clumsily in the opposite direction, away from the podium and towards the metal detector gate creating a scene. 

Delhi police's idea of protection.
 (Notice the arms-stretched position)

Definitely not the proudest moment of my life.
Add to all of the above, the recurring Final-Destination thoughts that I keep getting whenever I'm at the airport; I start staring at all the people in the airport as if I'm seeing them for the last time. During one of such weird ogling sessions, the security-men got suspicious and re-checked me.

Pretentious Air Hostesses and Phony Pilots: First things first, have you ever heard of an air hostess with a name like Madhumati or Chandramukhi or Sita or Phoolwanti? No, you must not have (or maybe in Air-India you would have). But how is it possible that all the air hostesses get hot names like Tanya, Rita, Maya, Sheila, Ghazal? Add to that their phony accents: "Sir, would you like to have some watherr ..?" Besides the fact that they don't show any interest in people who decline to buy their 178 rupees panheer-parawtha just makes me hate them more.
All that attitude and what do they end up announcing? 'Save your data before shutting down the laptop'  Wow! How would the human civilization have survived without this precious of advice. If ever there was a contest of framing a sentence in which no thought has been put whatsoever, this one would go the distance. Or maybe this highly debatable one would pip the earlier to the post: 'In case of emergency, help yourself before helping others'.  
And while we are talking about bogus, pilots can't be left behind. I bet while at the flying school, each of the to-be pilots would be having just one dream: One day, I would be speaking on the microphone from the cockpit! You got to be deaf to not have noticed how coarse and heavy voices these pilots have, all of them! How is it possible? Do these people practice that? Or is it a part of their flying school curriculum? Or is it after all, the monkey business of covering the mic with a handkerchief? Whatever it may be, but do tell me if you hear a Tendulkar-like voice from the cockpit fellow. Even the pilots will have all fancy names. Ever heard:"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot Chiraunji Lal accompanied by co-pilot Ghanshyam Prasad...". Ever? Besides what are these announcements good for anyway; bombarding the illiterate passengers like you and me with fancy cum scary jargon like nautical miles, altitude above sea-level, wind-speed etc.

Travelling with a Gujarati family: If your Shani and Mangal have decided to hump you on your day of travel, then you will find yourself sitting in the plane next to a Gujarati family. For the uninitiated, Gujaratis never travel alone. Yes, never, ever! You see them, you think as if the entire city is shifting. I had the misfortune of experiencing this the last time I was flying from Ahmedabad: Even before the flight took off, dhoklas started flying in the air across the aisle, fafdas started rolling on the floor, people started giggling hysterically, teasing each other, singing songs, even clapping. Clapping! Have you seen such a circus? It was as if the entire cast and crew of Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chasma has landed there.    

Shopping with the airline magazine: I see a lot of ridiculous things being sold in the airline magazines at even a more ridiculous price. One such item is a T-shirt with the airline name and tagline. What kind of a person would buy such a t-shirt? Do you ever go down the Vodafone store and ask for their sponsored t-shirts? If yes, then do let me know, because I have been thinking for a while to test the 'Filter Readers' facility available with this blog.

Tenacious Cabwallahs: How can one talk about the misery of a flight travel without making a mention of these hounds waiting for your blood on the outside of an airport. Of-course they would only appear hounds to you if you are  travelling on your own expense, because if you are traveling on your company's expense then you start behaving like SRK and Saif of Seagreams Royal Stag ad: 'Abhi aur kharcha karna baaki hai..'
Nevertheless, there is no doubt in my mind that Cabwallahs are the most connected people in our country. Haven't you noticed them blabbering the long list of things that they can get you. The more you avoid them, the longer the list gets and it mostly ends with you saying "What ! Get lost !" But there is no questioning their perseverance. Once a cabwallah almost convinced cum pushed me into a cab even though I was on my way to board the flight !

In case you are still reading, it's over <cue celebration music>.By the way what exactly was Deepak Tijori thinking in the movie Anjaam, when SRK informed him that he has started a new airline exclusively for him. 'Oh, I fly the plane soooo well ..' Dumbass!

What women must know about Men's daru parties!

There was a time not very long ago, when women would wonder, with the frustration of Sunny Deol's choreographer and Sunny Leone's photographer, both combined, that what is it that draws men to drinking; what is it that men start walking like zombies as soon as a friend invites them for a drinks party. Of-course most of them have stopped wondering now, as they themselves have started indulging, thanks to the 'Liberal Women' crap. But just in case there are still some left from the almost extinct 'Sati Savitri' species, let me inform them that it's not the quality or quantity of alcohol, but the drinkers and their mannerisms, that makes these binge parties a gents-magnet. Here are a few 'characters' and their 'mannerisms' that make a Daru-party the addiction that it is:


The Bartender: Rest assure that there has never been and shall never be a certified daru-party without this one friend who assumes the role of a bartender. Nobody knows what drives this guy to do it, perhaps little moments of feeling 'being-in-charge', but be as it may, everyone in the party instantaneously trusts his knowledge of peg-measurements. Clean glasses, ice-cubes, 30 ml, 60 ml, you name it, our bartender friend juggles them perfectly. Whats more, post 4-5 rounds, when all the so-called bevdas start ROFP (rolling on the floor puking), he is the only guy still making the dreaded pegs with uncompromising precision and motherly care (as in 'Vicky Donor'). Selfless bugger this one!


The Bania: Meeting long-lost friends after an eternity? College reunion? Stopping by for a quickie (drink I mean)? Celebrating a success? Mourning a loss? The occasion doesn't matters to this guy. The only thing that occupies his mind is that he should be able to drink/eat worth the money he had contributed in arranging the party. With this man on mission, there would be plenty of cheap situations like sudden disappearance of the salted-cashews,dry chilli paneer not completing one full round of the table etc. Everybody at the party are left wishing that this guy achieves his 'no losses incurred' mission as soon as possible, making way for normalcy.


The Singer: This guy waits restlessly for such gatherings, expecting people under the alcoholic influence to lose their judgement and ask him to sing. And once he starts, there is no stopping! From Kishore Kumar to Kumar Sanu, nobody is spared. Jokes apart, he is generally a good singer. A very potent cog in the daru-party wheel! 


The Host: For most part of the party, he is not a happy man, particularly if he is married and hosting the party in his wife's absence. I mean who would be happy watching his home sweet home turn into a sty within the space of a few hours. Like a maestro overseeing a musical performance, this guy manages the entire drinking-event, conducting businesses like ordering food, preparing salad, issuing guidelines like who should not be allowed beyond a certain number of drinks and, the most important of them all, who should be sitting closest to the wash basin. I am yet to see, in my glorified career as a distinct drunk, the host being the first to go down. Never! Also, invariably, he is the one to egg people to sing or recite a shayari. The Singer's favorite this guy, not surprising is it?


The Non-Drinker: Yes! There is almost always a non-drinker in the daru-party too, silently sipping a Pepsi in the corner, shooting a video. He may or may not be threatened instructed requested by his wife/GF to return sober. Although I must say that participating in a daru-party and not drinking is not easy, one fumble and the entire bevda group would be all over the guy, coming up with wise cracks like 'Abey, Pepsi chadh gayee kya?' It doesn't ends there. If there is a scarcity of chakhna or side-dishes then this guy is asked to adjust as the underlying principle of Nashebaazi dictates that the drinkers be given the first right to food. As if putting up with all the non-sense during the course of the party isn't enough, this guy (possibly in tandem with The Host) had to do all the cleaning-up and dropping off of bodies later.


The Tanker (or so he thinks): Another regular at daru parties. Thinks optimistically that some day 'drinking' will qualify to be a category in Olympics. He challenges everyone to drink more and pulls out of the hole those who are silently skipping pegs. He is also never short of letting lose some venomous remarks on The Non-Drinker for not drinking. Goes without saying that he is also the first one to go down and become a liability for The Host. He would frequently slip into (fake) philosophical mode, touching topics like 'How to keep your wife under control', 'Total recall of the gorgeous school teachers' or 'college time crushes who are now married to someone else and already a mother of two', nothing goes under the radar of this guy. You surely would have run into this kind of guy in daru-parties, you know the one who is barely able to walk at the end but insists: "Gimme the keys, I will drive." Always charged up, like the outermost shell electron (valence electron was it?)

Sri Sri Sri Johnnie Walker ko
 barambar pranam!

The Tanker (real one): As expected, he is just the opposite of his evil twin (the other Tanker). He goes about his business, peg after peg, in a very silent and professional way. No bragging, no challenging, no trash talk, just more daru!


The Romantic: The guy in love! He urges The Singer to let out the most romantic of songs (another favorite of The Singer). Most often than not he tests others' patience (particularly the fake Tanker), with his depressing and thoughtful talks. Although sometimes his deep talks have an opposite effect, bringing out crazy statements (mostly from the fake Tanker guy) like: "You love her right? Let's go, we'll kidnap her !" However, things take an ugly turn when The Romantic, after hours of whining, resorts to watching porn.



About the author: He is a qualified drunk who has already successfully presented a white paper challenging the 'Those who drink go straight to hell' ideology. He could be reached at numerous drinking joints during the weekend and the weekdays.

Understanding the amazing concept of व्यवहार !!

Since I have traveled very little across the length and breadth of our great country, I am not sure how many of you are aware of the word, व्यवहार (surely not my South-Indian friends). So today I will be spoiling my Sunday explaining to you this very dangerous (sometimes life-threatening) phenomenon. व्यवहार has many meanings but the one that I am going to take up today means the cash/kind that you give as gifts to people on pleasant occasions as a token of (generally fake) congratulations, thereby expressing your (surely fake) happiness. For example, you must have noticed some useless Chacha/Tau in wedding receptions, entering in a register 'who gifted what'. Yeah, that's as simply as this concept could be captured.


Now you might be wondering what could possibly be wrong with such a sweet gesture? Allow yours truly to explain using the language of a software engineer since I am kind of in that field (till you are ready to sponsor my book). So here it goes:


Test Case: The 10th standard result of Pappu, the first of seven kids of your neighbor Mr Gupta, is out and against your prediction Pappu Paas Ho Gaya. You and your wife are completely devastated by the kid's success, but since this is a momentous occasion (which every kid is falsely made to believe) you wrap all your bad wishes in a 100 rupees (व्यवहार) and gift it to Pappu with a very heavy heart. Thanks to Mr Gupta's perpetual libido, you continue to follow this pattern with Pappu's other six siblings as well.


Expected Result: When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, the same Mr Gupta (Pappu's pappa), reciprocate with the same amount i.e. 700 rupees, which is consistent with the underlying principle of the concept of व्यवहार , i.e. the total amount of money that changes hands should remain same!


Error Case #1: The most common of errors this one. When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, the same Mr Gupta, reciprocate with 100 rupees, intentionally or unintentionally erring in the fundamentals of व्यवहार that the amount changing hands should be same. 
Side Effect of Error Case #1: You and your wife is being left red-faced. You try to diffuse the situation by bringing in Mr Gupta's Ghajini-like memory as the possible reason but your wife is not convinced. She even proposes to have six more kids to establish some sort of financial equilibrium with that chor Gupta family. However the plan is quickly aborted after considering your physical viability and you guys sleep over the matter after wishing to God that Mr Gupta dies of piles or something.    


Error Case #2: A rookie mistake this one! After 10 years of you gifting a 100 rupees each to all seven of Mr Gupta's kids, your only kid Tinku clears Xth. Mr Gupta, reciprocates with 700 rupees this time but failing to take inflation into count. 
Side Effect of Error Case #2: You notice the slip-up and probably choose to ignore it. But, it hasn't gone undetected under your wife's radar. She finds herself burning from inside. You try to explain her that 'the rate of inflation' doesn't exactly goes hand-in-hand with 'the time to conceive', but to no avail. That ship has already sailed by then. In the next few weeks, you overhear her smart-ass comments whenever the Guptas are in sight: "10 years back we could get the ration for the entire year at the cost that we get for one month now. Oh this inflation!" OR "One can't even buy a decent pencil-box for 100 rupees these days." 


Error Case #3: When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, Mr Gupta is unable to reciprocate due to some genuine reason like Mr Gupta being on a deathbed having entered the terminal stage of a deadly disease OR his house being burnt down forcing him to declare bankruptcy OR one/many of his daughters have fled from the house with same/different neighboring boy(s).
Side Effect of Error Case #3: You guys wait for days for some good news on the व्यवहार front. Following the disappointment, your wife pulls you into a week long analysis of how many people Mr Gupta could have sent the व्यवहार through, if he could not genuinely make it himself. Huge sketches of Mr Gupta's family tree are drawn to depict the possible carriers of व्यवहार. Finally it all ends with your wife justifying why Mr Gupta is in the state that he is.  


Error Case #4: This one's a killer. When your only kid Tinku clears Xth, Mr Gupta, in all his health and happiness, just doesn't turns up to reciprocate. Plain and simple! Just ignores you completely, point-blank right-on-your-face stuff.
Side Effect of Error Case #4: Mr Gupta is dead for your family now. Your kid Tinku even flicks Mr Gupta's nameplate and buries in your backyard, thereby officially celebrating Mr Gupta's pleasant demise. In reality, you guys start walking over egg shells when Guptas are around. Within 24 hours, the entire neighborhood comes to know what kind of a jerk Mr Gupta is. You once again try to calm the storm by attributing this faux pas to Mr Gupta being a Bania, but your rationale backfires on you as you realize, perhaps too late, that your wife's mother's side is also Bania. As a result of this insensitivity on your part, you are awarded a week-long silent treatment with occasional verbal abuses and generously salted meals. By the time you finish your exile and are planning to make an honorable comeback, your wife has already started unearthing any past/current affair that has brought shame to the Gupta household, the ultimate aim being to prove that deceit is in the DNA of Mr Gupta. Things like "No wonder Mr Gupta's father had two wives" OR "Colony people must prohibit Mr Gupta near the hand-pump when women are using it" OR "Why does Mr Gupta's wife only thinks of watering the plants in the balcony at sharp 11 A.M. everyday" OR "Karma will catch up with that SOB sooner than later."


So those were some use-case scenarios that you might find handy once you enter the Grihastha Ashram (aka DeadEnd) phase of your life. Continuing with the explanation of the concept, as our civilization progressed, some wise men got together and decided that giving cash as gifts looks very cheesy (finally!) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the birth of another great practice of 'gifting in kind' (WOW!). 


But pretty soon the women in house found a loophole in the new mechanism as well. For instance, if Mr Gupta gifted a 'Milton ki water bottle' to Mr and Mrs Agarwal on their marriage anniversary then Mrs Agarwal must elbow Mr Agarwal to immediately run to the market and conclude an approximate price of the 'Milton ki water bottle'. Then Mr and Mrs Agarwal wait anxiously for the marriage anniversary of Mr and Mrs Gupta, to gift them a gift of approximately same price. Of-course by then the wretched 'Milton ki water bottle' would have been re-gifted by Mr and Mrs Gupta to somebody else.

Mrs Agarwal re-gifting Milton ki water bottle

As with other good things in life, the very well thought-out concept of 'gifting in kind' too had a couple of issues. First, if somebody gifts you, for instance, a cheap sweater and you are cheap enough to start wearing it too then everytime that gifter sees you in that sweater, you would have to put up with comments like: "Oh! That sweater looks so good on you!" Of-course with the old and austere system of 'gifting in cash', this kind of situation would never have arisen. I mean nobody could come up to you and say, "Oh! That sweater looks so good on you! You must have bought it from the 100 rupees that I gifted you." Second problem relates to the shameful act of re-gifting a gift you received. This act involves helluva precision and careful planning, like the Greeks did before attacking Troy. One mistake here and there, and the gifter ends up seeing his gifted gift in the possession of the person to whom it has been re-gifted and you end up becoming Mr Gupta of Error Case#4.


Such is the robustness of the concept of व्यवहार, that it doesn't only holds good for an occasion like exam results, but is applicable to almost all scenarios which can be related to human society like Raksha-Bandhan, Marriage, Birth of a (legitimate) child etc. It truly has passed the test of time and generations. It has even successfully countered the threat that the roaring prices of gold presented. (One of the clauses of the ideology of व्यवहार dictates that the total amount of gold that changes hands too should be same.) 


So kids, today you learnt about the legendary tradition of व्यवहार. Unlike 'Sati', the practice of व्यवहार has not been abolished, at-least not in my family. You also got a feel of how cheap and shortsighted me, my family and Kanpurians in general are. 


Also now you know, if you are gifting something to Mr and Mrs Nigam then what to expect!!

P.S. Time for diplomatic crap now: The article in no way intends to offend the Guptas/Banias. Some names were to be used to provide more authenticity to the article, that's all. It could well have been Banerjee/Bengali or even Nigam/Kayast! Regarding my jibe on women being involved in everything that is wrong on earth, don't take me lightly. Happy व्यवहारing !! 

Why Saas-Bahu Soaps are a pain in the ass!

Today we will not focus on the problem because the problem relates back to women, dealing with whom is out of scope of this article and also the universe. So let's just focus on what makes this problem a problem. Let me begin by telling you all that I get exposed to this Saas-Bahu bullshit just twice a year i.e. when I am visiting my native on vacation. One might argue that this is not a very 'high' frequency but trust me, considering the 'quality' of bullshit, it indeed cranks up-to intolerable levels. 


Now keeping up with my legendary habit of bullshitting around (Boy, bulls all over the world have suddenly run into diarrhea today or what!) before coming to the crux of the matter, let me explain to you that why this post was long overdue. You might be wondering why are these Saas-Bahu soaps such a big pain in the ass for me even though I am subjected to this nonsense just twice a year. But unlike me, you don't see the larger picture. You see, let me put across my point using a slightly peculiar analogy. Think of Ekta Kapoor as Osama Bin Laden, Balaji Productions as Al-Qaeda and all the various soap series as the terrorist training camps. What makes this as a life-endangering issue for me is that it is going to be me who would be caught in the line of fire: My mother has been watching all these soaps religiously for years, getting trained for the Saas role, and I'm more than certain, that in some corner of the country, my would-be wife too would be watching these and training herself for the Bahu role. There, now you see why I am a worried man.


But the humble being that I am, I will not allow my personal future worries to hog the limelight on this platform which is specifically dedicated for the social welfare. Therefore, allow me to compile just a few aspects of these Saas-Bahu soaps which raise the stupidity bar each day of the week, higher and higher till a Salman Khan flick hits the theaters:


(Not necessarily in the increasing order of stupidity)


#1: First of all my favorite one: Whenever a shocking event unfolds in these soaps, the camera will show each and every member of the family with that 'astonished' expression. Of-course you are not allowed to question why are all the members of these huge family always together.


#2: I know all females swear by their favorite serials. Now I am not questioning the integrity of women. No sir, No! But try asking them about how their favorite serial ended and you will find that they will draw a blank. Yes, that's a proven fact. No living soul remembers how their favorite serial ended that's because stupidity beats patience. Nobody remembers how 'Tara' ended or how 'Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahut Thi' ended. 

A case in point: The highly innocent
Prerna Bahu (Shweta Tiwari) 

#3: There will always be a generous character in the serial, you know of 'Tulsi' or 'Parvati' or 'Prerna' kind, who will always be engaged in the welfare of the entire world. Be it the family of the bride's side or groom's side, nobody will ever come to know of any trouble brewing in the family except for this generous character. Starting from a family member diagnosed with a life threatening disease to a family member who has 2-3 illicit wives and children, only this Mother Teresa of a character needs to worry. Needless to mention, that all the other females in the soap will be hating this character. 


#4: (Perhaps my second favorite this one) Haven't you ever noticed that the characters in these dorky serials talk so much to themselves. Who has this much freaking time and it breaks all the stupidity barriers when they talk to themselves by speaking out loud too (to ensure that it is heard to).


#5: Although I belong to a middle-class family, I have been to affluent people's houses but I have never ever seen all family members at all points of time being dressed in such tip-top manner with full make-up. The kind of heavy Bappi Lahiri-like jewellery that the bahus are shown wearing while preparing Dhokla in the kitchen is quite extra-ordinary, not to mention stupid. And those ba and dadis, man! They might go through a day having missed their catheter but the lipstick shade is never lost. Again, you can blame my middle-class upbringing to have this perception.


#6: So what do you do when you have to open yourself to someone, I mean if you have to confide in somebody or reveal a secret to someone that has been eating you from inside? You walk up to the person and say so, after guaranteeing enough privacy right? No No No No, in the Saas-Bahu soap world that's a taboo. That's something against the common etiquette here. If you have to talk secretly then you must ensure that the door is not locked or if the door is locked mistakenly then atleast there should be a window open, or else how will the other bahu/saas/bhabhi or any other member of the party which is always plotting against you will listen to the secret right? So never say again that soap-makers don't think of a plot. They do, mindless yes, but they do. 


#7: Talking about secrets, I am sure this one would have frustrated you many a times. I know I will not be able to explain the scenario in mind as succinctly as I would have liked, but nevertheless. Scenario: Girl wants to tell her father about her love affair but gets interrupted by somebody or the other everytime. This continues till a big function is arranged, of-course for no apparent reason, in which her demented father announces her engagement to a different guy and all hell breaks loose. WOW!! Have any of you seen this in real life?


#8: How do you open a door on hearing a bell or a knock? You ask who is it or you peep through the peephole or in the worst case you open the door tentatively trying to get the glimpse of the person as soon as possible right? But that's not how it works in the Saas-Bahu soap world. They open the door looking at the floor slowly raising their face to be startled to find their ex-hubby/ex-lover (both must not have undergone plastic surgery in this case) standing their. Hope you noticed this one before!


#9: I would like to end it with a point about the latest trend in the serials. My inside sources tell me that off-late the usual pattern of Saas being the bad one has been overtaken by Bua or Dadi-Bua character. Is it true?


P.S. The author has 'nervously' assumed that there aren't 'many' Ekta Kapoor fans who will feel offended reading this article. Also, the author has 'safely' assumed that there aren't 'any' Tushar Kapoor fans who love him so much that they will feel offended for his sister.


P.P.S. Any females or males who are about to hit the 'comment' section in a range of anger to throw profanities at me must understand that there is something called as the 'Comment Moderation' feature. Yes, I use this feature primarily to avoid the truth but also because it is consistent with the rest of my personality of being a 'Coward'. Happy frustration sisters!

Why is it dangerous to be 28 and single !!

I happened to visit my native (Kanpur) for Diwali. Of-course visiting your family and other relatives (mostly insignificant) is always an enjoyable thing for everyone but what makes these visits all the more interesting to me is the number of 'You know he didn't even have money to afford....' stories of famous personalities that I get to hear from these relatives (mostly completely insignificant) to indirectly point out how ungrateful I am or have been.

They will start with the stories of other great men like Lal Bahadur Shastri, saying 'You know he used to walk through a river to his school keeping his books on the head'. Gradually they would come to the story of some neighbor or a close relative, finally slipping past me their own story: 'You know when I was in school, I have to submit my old-used-shortened pencil before my mother will issue me a new one'. Then of-course there will be that ageless story of 'You know I used to get 50 paise as daily pocket money, of which I would buy a samosa for 25 paise and save the remaining 25 paise.'

And if having to endure the spiritual heartache of witnessing such specimens at soul-endangeringly close quarters doesn't breaks one down, their belief that each of their sons is earning lakhs per month is certain to test the tensile strength of your brain nerves. 'My son has a package of 36 lakhs per annum. You know he recently purchased a brand new Maruti Alto.'  Ya! Bite Me!!

All this trash talk makes me wonder what would have been the scenario if I had a mafia/underworld background. I guess then my relatives would have said: 'You know he had to wait for four long years before he could attempt his first bank robbery due to lack of a motorbike', 'You know he didn't even have access to a real hand pistol to learn in his early years, still he turned out quite a gem, eh? '

This pic is probably too serious
 for this article.But its 2'o clock
 in the night.If you want an
appropriate pic, hunt yourself!

I am 28 and single, somehow these stats don't go down well with the relatives. I might not even be knowing the names of some of these relatives, but still they have this itch of getting me 'settled' as if currently I am residing in some home for the shelterless.

Mothers, of-course have their own way of persuasion when it comes to marriage. Unlike the senior male relatives' hammer-and-tongs approach, mothers have a very soft approach towards the victim, which in this case is their son. For instance my mother's modus operandi  revolves around first carefully weaving the 'achievement' thread around me and then finally strangulating me into submission, so whenever I achieve something, she suggests that this is the perfect occasion to get married. Be it a job promotion or car acquisition. Things went out of control when I suggested to her that I am going to buy a home theater for me. Somehow we Indians have convinced ourselves that one cannot indulge in any kind of enjoyment or luxury unless married.

Aforesaid scenario makes me wonder about the hardships that a 28-and-single guy might be facing in Pakistan. I guess his mother would say something like this while serving him lunch: 'I have had enough off you! Enough of these terrorist activities. Once you are back from this suicide bombing mission, I am getting you married. I have already set up your marriage with Laden Chaccha's daughter. They say she makes very good home-made hand grenades as well.' 

One thing that I always look out for while visiting my native is the gossip stories of guys-girls running away from their families in love. Sadly, with passing time and increasing number of love-marriages (which get approved later by the families) such stories are getting extinct. Not only did such stories of defiance gave me and my friends enough masala for gossip, it also opened new horizons of opportunities for us as well. I myself once tried to run once during school days but the girl stood up on me. Needless to say, later I had a hard time explaining my parents what exactly I was doing out there with a bag of clothes at 5 a.m. in the morning.

I guess no discussion about my native Kanpur could be completed without mentioning its beautiful railway station. Now I am not sure if there is any international organisation which keeps records of the most yuck railway stations, but if indeed there is one, then Kanpur's railway station would be the numero uno among the lot. Its difficult, rather painful, to believe that the director of Bunti Aur Babli chose Kanpur's railway station to shoot. 

However, there are certain things that I never fail to witness at a railway station, Kanpur or otherwise. Firstly, whenever you are at a railway station you always start thinking how good/bad your native's railway station is as compared to that one. Secondly and on this one I can bet my life, that you will always find a TT-Uncle pair on the platform with the uncle trying to arrange for an extra berth/seat. Thirdly, no matter how well-off you are financially, there will always be a constant debate whether to buy the platform ticket or not. In case people do buy it, they will try their best so that the ticket checker checks on them, trying to walk by him as closely as possible and behave weirdly like an alien. 


So do you have anything special to say about your relatives? 


P.S. In case you liked what you have read here (which I don't think so), do read one of my old and all-time favorite pieces about the irritating things that we have to put up in the trains: 

On a Train of Thoughts with a one-way Ticket to Hell!!

Survey: Locating a decent public toilet is Indians' number one fear. Death comes second!

According to the survey results released by the Indian Velle Association (IVA), more than 90% of the Indians consider locating a decent public toilet during desperate times as something that they fear most. As surprising as the participants' choice of their biggest fear was, their choice of 'death' as the second most dreadful thing only emphasized the smelly condition of public toilets in the country.


When contacted by for his take on the survey results, a visibly confused Home Minister P Chidambaram reacted, cranking the loopiness meter all the way up to 10, "I do understand people's sentiments over this issue. For a country considered to be the world's biggest dumping ground, the least that we could do is to maintain public toilets in a presentable state."


"Besides don't forget to see the silver lining here. A single time usage of the public toilets in their current condition improves your lung capacity to a level that is beyond the output of a hundred kapalbhati sessions ," added Chidambaram, whose party's dislike for Yoga and associated people is secret to nobody.


The commoners however find it difficult to see any lining, silver or otherwise. What they do experience when inside a public toilet is something straight out of a Jackass show.


Balaji, a local resident of Bangalore who voted using public toilets as his biggest fear even ahead of death and sodomy, has had a harrowing experience with the public toilets. "The other night, while I was on my way back home after devouring a couple of McDonald's Spicy Paneer Burgers, I felt an overwhelming urge to defecate. Kept looking around for a half decent crapper but to no avail. With the pressure on my bowels building with each passing moment, I finally found a Sulabh Shauchalaya at a deserted road behind the trees in the dark. Its condition was as expected but even before I could gather all the courage to mount over the pot without making any contact, the fear of a splashback prevented me from going ahead. The ultimate devil-and-deep-blue-sea choice! Pretty disgusting for a city where you could find more pubs and bars in almost every street isn't it ?" questioned Balaji.


Not everyone though is just concerned by the numbers and the sanitation provided inside the public toilets, there are also some who completely despise the thoughtless way in which some of these public toilets are designed.
"First thing that I demand is to build taller walls separating urinals in this country. This would prohibit towering guys getting a bird's-eye view. Believe me its not a welcome feeling seeing a lanky guy entering the toilet and choosing the urinal just next to you, intentionally missing all the vacant ones on the way, " said Vishal Kumar who at 5'3" suffers big time at the hands of the modern auto flush sensor technology in the urinals at his workplace which assumes that the process is over even though he is still in the mid of it.


"While we should expect the government to work on the infrastructure and sanitation of public toilets, the onus is also on the society to stop disrespecting frequent toilet-goers," added Vishal, who often uses different floor toilets in his office building to avoid public glare.


Meanwhile, the IVA officials have already declared the survey a huge success, courtesy participants' enthusiasm. " The participants didn't just answer the questionnaire but also bombarded strong suggestions. For instance, some expressed their dislike towards the usage of terms like 'Pakistan' and 'Sasural' to address toilets and advocated for the adoption of the terms 'Bade Ghar' and 'Chhote Ghar' as the universal names while others condemned the people who feel ashamed of the echo effects while speaking on phone in the toilet taking a rightful dump," said Mr Susu Reek, president of IVA.

Govt's proposed solution!

Last reported the Sheila Dixit led Delhi government had already sprung to action by putting public awareness boards outside all public toilets saying:  


                   Toilet is the seat of the soul. Keep it clean!
                   -Genital Reminder.

Bachelor seeks revenge by building his own apartment and denying occupancy to married couples!

Bangalore. Living well would be the best revenge for most, but for Ambar Seth, a software engineer, revenge was something that kept him alive for the last three years.Following a harrowing experience when countless number of flat owners shut the door on him when he was on a lookout for a two bedroom-hall-kitchen flat, Ambar started laying the groundwork of his plan to avenge.


"I had been given a one-month notice period by my previous flat owner to vacate the flat. Following the notification,I invested four consecutive weekends looking out for a flat but to no avail. Everybody shut the door on my face just because I was a bachelor. Tell me, is it my mistake that no female ever agreed to marry me after spending five minutes in my company? " asked Ambar with teary red eyes.


He pauses to literally stare a passing by girl till she was out of sight and continues, "It was then that I decided to teach this superficial society a lesson. I started working seriously hard in my office, giving up stuff like every minute status update on Facebook and Twitter. I even stopped my favorite pastime of logging into Rediff News from my fake id 'Kareena' and posting comments. There was just one thing that pre-occupied my mind all that while: A dream of owning an apartment someday and say NO to married wannabe-occupants!"


Ambar's anguish does not comes as a surprise to many in metro cities of India where its becoming increasingly difficult for bachelors to get flats on rent in societies which are predominantly occupied by families. Particularly so in Bangalore, where majority of these bachelors are from IT background and thus automatically accused of practicing bad habits.


"I have been a bachelor from IT background myself so I am well aware of the things that could take place. Been there, done that you see! " snapped Mr Gupta when asked by The Silent Commentator, if he now regretted having turned down Ambar earlier.


"All bachelors follow the same protocol. It starts with playing loud music followed by boozing parties and the next thing you know is girls sneaking in and out of their flats at odd hours," commented Rajesh, another flat owner who denied renting his flat to Ambar and someone who himself ironically enough owns a Rottweiler and was in a one year long live-in relationship with a girl whom he didn't go on to marry. Among other things that Rajesh holds against bachelors are paying hefty tips to security guards for trivial favors, ordering piles of pizzas almost daily and leaving a trail of their expensive perfumes in apartment lifts. According to Rajesh, all these factors put pressure on people like him who are not earning as much.


Ambar however emphasizes that he was innocent then but not now as he makes it a point to practice all the misdemeanours that he was wrongfully suspected of. "They brought out the animal in me. My each breath awaits the moment when a married couple will approach me, requesting me to rent them my flat and I would reply to them 'The flat is vacant but I am not comfortable renting it to a married couple. Please don't mind. There are SOCIETY PRESSURES' ,"said Ambar breaking into hysterical laughter of the kind that would make any Bollywood villain of the 80's very proud.


"They wasted four precious weekends of my life. Four weekends of sleeping at dawn and waking up at dusk, four weekends of lying down on my couch flipping through TV channels and staring at ceiling after exhausting all the Dominos discount coupons , four weekends of complete inactivity which nobody can bring me back, " added Ambar, his eyes turning red for the third time during the interview.


"At last the moment of reckoning has come for me. If the bear-bottle shape of my apartment building and the yellow-white-grey color combination of the pillars don't send a message out loud enough, then nothing in the world ever will, " said Ambar sarcastically as most of the flat-owners used to presume that he would be a compulsive drunkard and smoker.

Landmark to Ambar's apartment couldn't be more convenient

Not surprisingly Ambar has decided to name his apartment 'Adams Only'. An apartment that he doesn't intends to sell but only to rent. It doesn't stops there, Ambar has even gone to the extent of mentioning on the address stone outside, "Married couples and Dogs not allowed". Last heard, Ambar had convinced notorious Bollywood singer Mika to cut the ribbon and inaugurate the apartment.

On a Train of Thoughts with a one-way Ticket to Hell!!

Today I am going to talk to your soul. Yes. I’ll talk to a deeply disturbed soul which must frequently have undergone the horrors of travelling in an Indian train. I’m sure, when you finish reading this piece of writing, you’ll end up satisfied and relieved, realizing that you are not the only one who has suffered. Let’s see if the trains of our thoughts collide.

Where It All Begins: Since you are going to read about Indian trains for the next hundred lines, so why not start with this very important place. The platform. It is to a train what nose is to Himesh Reshammiya. If you have ever been outside the Indian subcontinent, then the sight of an Indian railway platform will suck all your patriotism. And it’s not going to help even more if the platform in question belongs to UP or Bihar, because then not only will you watch a free-for-all show of Slumdog Millionaire, but also you’ll be amazed to see the number of shapes and colours that human faeces could be in.

Getting In: If there is a woman involved in the travelling group, then within minutes of the start of journey, you’ll witness Tupperware utensils all over the compartment. The pooris are out and so are the pickles, and all of a sudden you get a feeling as if you are sitting around some stranger’s dining table. You would really prefer a root canal than being there. And don’t they really test your patience when they offer you to join them? Aren’t these the same people who counsel their children not to eat anything a stranger offers?

The Old Brigade: Your worst nightmare comes true when you are surrounded by old people in your compartment. Following are their typical irritating characteristics:

A) Old people are very good at initiating a conversation even though they are as welcomed by you as gay Jews in Nazi Germany. The chit-chat will invariably lead to discussions about the ills prevailing in the society, and the measures which these old jerks think need to be taken. Sooner or later, politics will be thrown into the mix and you have an entire unique show of News Hour minus Arnab on your hands.

B) If in case you missed out on the menu while the food was being served, these old nutjobs will ensure you realise the menu with their very frequent and noisy belches. If you haven't already smashed your head against the window grill , then let the clock strike twelve and you get an unpleasant menu reminder in the form of farts. It has always amazed me why old people don’t feel ashamed of farting in public. Age can do some really weird things you see.

C) Cellphone: That’s a killer isn’t it? Starting from forgetting to put the phone in silent mode to yelling at high pitches, a cellphone, according to me is one single machinery which is crying to be smashed. By the time your painful journey ends, you would probably have been well-acquainted with all the relatives of the people in your compartment inside out.

D) Did you ever have the privilege of experiencing an oldie complaining about the AC being too cold and therefore getting it switched off ? Oh, for the love of God!! You will wish if your hand was a Thor’s hammer so you could smash that oldie’s empty hollow cranium and feed his bone marrow to a pig.

E) Early to bed and early to rise. I know you have never followed this but you wouldn’t have realized how others following it could become such a pain in the ass for you. All your celebrations of getting a lower berth will be slashed to naught when the oldie decides to get down from his upper/middle berth at five in the morning and demand from you a parking place for his hips. It is then that you feel like putting the oldie in a casket and start bench pressing with it.

F) Then there will be this one oldie who will be sitting at the window with a knife in his hand like a monkey, buying all fruits on offer and gulping them, making you think that the evolution of humans from apes could really have been skipped.

G) If you have surpassed all of the above disasters and feeling at the top of the world then just remember that the oldie has not yet taken his shoes off. There is not enough voltage in the world that can now electroshock you back into coherence.

The Trick: No. We are not talking about anyone turning tricks inside a train, not that it doesn’t happen, but tell me what is the first thing you check after getting a train ticket? An upper berth? Lower berth? No. That comes second. First thing that you check is the berth number because, that in turn will foresee the enjoyment quotient for the rest of your journey. The further away you are from the washroom, the higher are the chances you will come out of that train breathing normal. Now you might wonder, if just sitting close to a washroom can be so catastrophic, then how does a personuse one. I’ll help you out. Keep your eyes and ears open and noses closed. Be on a lookout for any chick going to the washroom and you enter as soon as she leaves. With all the perfumed toiletries that they use, you will indeed enjoy using the washroom immediately after them.

The Lowly Struggle: Now as sun starts setting in, pulses of those old plus fat ladies start racing. Of course they have been allotted the upper berth which has started looking like a Mt Everest to them. So now the begging session starts, in which you will be convinced of your youth and fitness, so much so that you’d like to get an admission to college once again. In return goes your lower berth.

The Test: Your train compartment, no matter how filthy and stinky it is, turns into a high testosterone area if you are an unmarried person, and you happen to have a newly-wed couple next to you. Really!! It’s a test. A test so testing that even Sita would have floundered. Your heart pumps and pupils dilate on each and every move, no matter how normal, the couple makes. First time in your life you realize the significance of having a 6/6 vision.

Money vs Masculinity: Whenever the fairer sex complains of inequality between men and women, they don’t realize the trauma we men undergo when a bunch of eunuchs get into the train. We men have tried everything, from faking sleep to hiding inside the washrooms but there is no escaping. Some even went to the extent of faking their own sexual orientation. Now don’t even get me started on what they do to you if you refuse to pay them. Arre Mere Raja…

The Luggage Family: I swear to God that I am going to change my name to Ravindra Jadeja if this one never happened to you. A long train trip is incomplete without that one family which jumps into the train with so much luggage, as if the entirecontinent has got a job transfer. They come like a storm and start jamming in their luggage not just under their berth but at times even to the adjoining compartments. Not to mention, you’re not going to find your footwear when your urinary bladder is about to break the Hooke’s law of elasticity.

The Chaiwala Tragedy: Believe me, it is nothing short of a tragedy. A tragedy so tragic that even Jalliawala will appear a celebration of peace. Just imagine a situation when you haven’t got sleep all night because of some/all of the factors mentioned above, it’s almost dawn and you are finally getting some sleep and BANG! You hear a loud cry piercing your eardrums ‘Chai‘. Oh, the humanity! Nothing can top that. Or wait a minute! How about if you are not even a Chai-drinker?

This article was first published by me on News That Matters Not. Here is the Link