Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Revenge !

I have stopped writing. It took some time but I finally realised that perhaps writing is not my cup of tea. I mean what better one could expect from a blogger who has read only two novels in his life, both unfortunately being works of Chetan Bhagat. Haven't written anything for the last one month and wasn't planning to do it in future either until this incident, that happened yesterday, provoked me.

I had just come out of the theater after watching the flick 'Rascals' with this friend of mine (Let's call him Mr X). As if the pain 'Rascals' gave to a differentiating cinema connoisseur like me wasn't enough, Mr X did the unthinkable: He asked me how come I haven't written anything for so long. Then I told him how I felt that I am not the best man for this job, if the general feedback is anything to go by. Upon listening to my explanation Mr X had this look of great relief with a tinge of happiness, you know that 'I told you so' kind of vindicative look. Now I must mention at this point of time that I should be, if anything, be thankful to Mr X for at-least caring to notice that I had stopped writing, so I overlooked that expression on his face. But it was when he started to suggest me alternate things I could focus my energy on instead writing, when I really took it to heart. The least the guy could have done is offer me a formal-cum-untruthful expression of commendation like 'Why do you think like that. You should write. Believe me you are good!' 

It was then that I decided that I will write one last article which will be completely meaningless and directionless but not aimless; its aim would be to further torture people like Mr X who despise my writing. Right then, here we go. This article is going to be in the form of points implying some observations from different walks of life that didn't go down very well with me. Mind you, they are completely unrelated to each other and do not make any sense when read in isolation or otherwise:

Politics: Going by the way the UPA politicians are getting stuffed into the prisons I wouldn't be surprised if the govt finally agrees to okay the much awaited 'Jail Reforms'. And it makes sense as well, I mean with people like Kalmadi inside. There is still a section in my payslip which tells me that I paid through my nose for his idea of high hygiene standards, as was demonstrated by the costs incurred in constructing those expensive toilets for CWG. 

Bollywood: I don't know about you, but I being a well-educated (or so I believe) proud Indian (or again so I believe), find it pretty devastating to believe that there is a vague possibility that all my countrymen's safety would be in the hands of a superhero who stammers. That is certainly not my idea of a superhero! I mean, really somehow he just doesn't fits in there. Blame it on some of his past roles or deeds or whatever. And what do you think could explain the rationale behind this superhero operating in foreign countries most of the times? (as concluded by the trailer) I mean was it that the Indians shooed their superhero away or isn't there enough trouble in the country for the superhero to attend to? A brainless politician decides to beat up a few Autowallahs whenever he finds himself slowly drifting out of spotlight and a man with no history of heart attacks enters into a CM's house and comes out coughing out blood before dying within 12 hours of a heart attack; aren't these good enough reasons to attract our superhero's attention? Perhaps not. Perhaps our superhero finds the scenic beauty of London more convenient to show his stunts!

Cricket: What the hell is going on with people today? Akhtar & Afridi criticising Sachin, Chetan Bhagat taking a potshot at Narayan Murthy.. Losers scrutinizing the greats has become a trend is it? I guess it's high time then that I too document some flaws in George Orwell's literary works. Anyway, I heard somebody in media comparing Sachin's criticism by Shoaib to that 'Dogs bark when an elephant passes by' metaphor. Although Shoaib wouldn't object his 'speaking' being compared to 'barking' as it is consistent with the rest of his personality but my pet dog Sheru has taken strong objection to that comparison. He hasn't eaten for 2 days after hearing this as he finds the comparison utterly degrading.

Staying with the story, the 17-for-last-10-years Pakistani cricketer Afridi supported his brother from another mother Shoaib by saying that even he saw, while fielding at square leg, that Sachin used to shiver while facing Shoaib. Well, as long as it puts the food on the platter for our beggar-cum-terrorist neighbors I don't mind but still I would like to say two things here: First, what Afridi refers to as 'shivering' is known as 'Footwork' in cricket terminology, something which of-course he wouldn't be aware of being just a new-comer and 17-yr old n all. Second, if Afridi indeed had this Sanjay-esque eyesight of the Mahabharata fame then where was he when his bowlers were bowling those famous No-Balls ? Food for thought? Although I must say that I await with great anxiety for Afridi's autobiography to come out. It would be the best fantasy book ever!

So who do you guess would be most unhappy with T20 cricket? Dravid? No! It must be Mukesh Ambani. Let me explain. If there were no T20s there would be no IPL and if there was no IPL then Ambani wouldn't be owning the Mumbai Indians team and if Ambani was not owning Mumbai Indians then he wouldn't have to see 15 sweating cricketers on a high protein diet hugging and lifting his wife after every victory. That entire setting is a high testosterone one particularly if one of the individual is Pollard. Sounds too cheesy? Well I am a deeply disturbed individual!

By the way what do you cricket experts have to say about commentators saying: 'He likes to go over the long-on mid-wicket region for the big shots'. My question here is that who doesn't? I mean did you ever hear any batsman saying 'Well, I prefer the third man region to slog! Nothing in the world gives me more confidence than getting down on one knee, close my eyes and hoick that 150 kph delivery behind the keeper'

I have a lot more to say particularly about Arnab Goswami and some ultra-fake and boring aspects of our Bollywood movies, but already the post has become too lengthy and dragging. May be a sequel!

P.S. I think I am happy with my revenge and as they say revenge is a dish best served cold :) But do let me know what do you think about this piece.


  1. It made me smile .. I hope you guess there are readers beyond your friend (!!) Mr. X, who would enjoy more of this kind of writing. Keep writing :_

  2. @aativas: :) wht to do.. its a mean mean world!

  3. kahin ye back bhai to nahi, par jo bhi ho fris be chod usnai tumko inspire to kiya...........
    waise mast likha hai

  4. @sandeep: :) nahi yeh back bhai nahi hain

  5. good one :) ... dont knw how i ended up here , but this post rocks bro :) ...

  6. @BeingFaisalali: Lets call it divine intervention and leave it at that :)

  7. Good one!!! My cricket knowledge is very poor. Just learned that Chetan Bhagat taking potshot at Narayan Murthy was cricket! waiting for the sequel :-)

  8. @Giribala: Oh no no.. ur cricketing knowledge is up-to-date! :) tht point was non-cricketing ..

  9. Hehehe.. I liked more comment on Nita Ambani. I would like to add one more line for her. if there was no IPL then Madam Ambani would not have loss the weight.

  10. @Dinesh: ya .. gud for bhajji.. last time he almost broke his spine lifting her ;)