Don2: How it changed my life and would certainly change yours!!

Unlike everyone else (except for the Don2 team which kept congratulating each other over twitter all day), I am not going to completely dismiss Don2 as waste. Reason? Actually two of them: Firstly, Don2 has opened my eyes about life. It has forced me to look at the life from a new prism of reality. I think now it's high time that I get married and settle in life. After-all how long will this continue? Watching senseless movies, writing uncalled-for reviews, maintaining a rejected blog. It has to stop somewhere. Thanks SRK! I would definitely invite you to my marriage to dance but that is subjected to the dowry I get, so until something materialises on that front, please take care of your materialistic needs by conning the innocent people of my otherwise a very bright country.


Second reason is that I have started respecting my software engineering job a lot more now. No, it has nothing to do with Lara Dutta's role in the movie. Actually, while watching the movie I developed an instant sympathy for the bootlegger who would be sitting alert somewhere in the corner, recording Don2 secretly with a hidden handycam. Spare a thought for the guy, he has to go out later and convince others to buy that pirated CD. It would be like falling in a ditch of manure and then convincing somebody to lick you clean. Now that is Mission Impossible 5!!


Now you might be thinking that what kind of a Satan's secretary I am, spitting venom all around on Christmas. But then you see while 'you' happy people have everything in life and still hang Christmas stockings outside to receive even more gifts, I, like all other days in life, had put the same bloody milk coupon in the same bloody plastic bag. So don't expect the spirit of Christmas to be any kind of deal sweetener in this review.


Anyway, let me leave my psychotic-in-nature personal problems and start with the review. Don2 opens with a scene in which our hero fights single-handedly (ofcourse weaponless), with what I think was an entire island of shotgun laden gangsters. Isn't that's something he was supposed to do as G.One, instead of blowing flour on 'our' bebo and occasionally becoming a PSPO fan for her. But we shouldn't out-rightly blame SRK for that because the fact is that the 'number of villains a hero can pummel' increases as you start descending south from New Delhi. I am not too sure what is the state of affairs regarding this in SriLanka, but then if you look at it, may be Arjuna Ranatunga can indeed ...No..No..bad thought. 


Not allowing me to digress any further, I must say that the first half of the movie was still tolerable despite being woefully slow for a thriller. Add to that, it was only after a good 30 minutes into the movie, I realised that my 3D glasses were not actually a working pair at all, not that I regret missing on something when I look back now. So I have to wait till the intemission to give the theater management a taste of my 'Kanpur Dialect' and get a new pair of 3D glasses. In retrospect, I think it shouldn't have mattered much as even with a working pair of 3D glasses, the movie sucked big time which brings me to:<cue Newshour music> "The question tonight is that why did these numbskulls have to release Don2 in 3D. Tonight the nation needs an answer!" Really, what could possibly be the reason? If you ask me releasing Don2 in 3D just meant adding another dimension of trash. And you call me a sadist!!

The conman is back!!

I think with this habit of digressing at every juncture, I will never be able to become a good movie-reviewer! For the nth time coming back to the movie, real trouble started brewing in the 2nd half in which even an ignorant fool like SRK realised that there isn't exactly a buckload of thrill in the so called thriller. So what did the King of Bollywood do? He falls back on his Yash-Raj-production-house inspired romantic style of acting. Trust me if you are a fan of romantic SRK, there are some pleasant surprises for you in store. But really, it was at this point that I completely lost it. Even some college students (unwitting as we all are at that age) who cheered SRK's entrance in the movie started mocking him. I mean, just imagine Don, whom municipal vans police of 11 countries are chasing, starts fighting for a police officer. No need to re-read, you read it right in the first place: 'For a police officer' and not 'Against a police officer'. In-fact I even think for those parts in the movie where SRK and Priyanka Chopra were really falling in love, the background music became serenely romantic. May be they roped in Jatin-Lalit for those parts or maybe I misheard. Try to understand, my sense of proportion had deserted me by then. I should have taken my clue from seeing the people coming out of the earlier show. They looked like as if they paid some concentration camp a forceful visit. And as if the movie was not already torturing enough by then, in the last scene they show SRK sir riding a bike with registration no "Don 3". I almost kicked the seat in my front seeing that. Do you all know what that means? Do you realise the gravity of this? I think those old crazy science people who keep saying that in 2012 world will come to an end are indeed true.



The saddest part of all however remains, that despite all the Cartoon Network logic of the movie, even this will make millions of bucks just out of SRK's name. I guess like my friends who share my articles on FB even without opening it, SRK too has a blind following (Ofcourse the comparison is not to scale).


My rating: 3/5. You might be wondering why even 3? Honestly, SRK looked really cool in some parts with that beard and few of the SRK punches were actually funny, particularly while he was flirting with Miss Chopra. But this again is the reason why only 3 and not more. Arre Chacha-jaan, this was supposed to be a thriller and NOT a comedy/romantic movie!! Besides the new Don repeats that 'Don ko pakadna..' dialogue just too many times. Just say it once and shut up!! We all know the dialogue. AB's single swivel in the chair was enough in the original movie but SRK has to do all the catwalk, 'D' tattooing , curving eyebrows to medically dangerous limits to convince. I rest my case on the difference in class here. 


Perhaps the movie could be best summed up by one single line that my friend said: Don2 se paise wasoolna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai!!


P.S. I must say that all these Sibal's siblings are doing one heck of a job at the Health Ministry. Until I watched the movie, I really couldn't guess from watching Don2 songs on music channels, what was that thing that SRK was holding between his lips with smoke emitted all around and a lighter in the other hand. Really tricked!! 
P.P.S. If you found the article worthless owing to its length then you must understand that a big star like SRK deserved more words. If you found the article worthless owing to it being un-researched/senseless then you must question your own judgement which landed you on this blog in the first place. However if you feel that the article was worthless owing to the author being biased, then my friend you are absolutely right!
Ok, now to hell with SRK and you all, I have an office to attend to in the morning. Samsung doesn't pay me to write movie reviews. GN!!

Mission Impossible 4: A couple of things to know in advance!

First things first. If you are that rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because Anil Kapoor has a role in it, then you are in for a huge disappointment. Not only is his role laughable and insignificant but it is just a 1-minute role that spreads across a 15-minute segment of the movie. And if you are the brother or close friend of that rare person or simply another such rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because a major chunk of it has been shot in India, then again it is going to be a let-down because I have been told that most of that chunk was actually recreated in Vancouver and Dubai. (Thankfully in that part India was not shown in poor light because after Slumdog Millionaire every-time they utter the word 'India' in any Hollywood movie I will start twisting and turning in my chair). 


However, if you are a smart person like me who wanted to see MI4 just for that one scene sequence in which Tom Cruise scales Dubai's 2700-foot Burj Khalifa building, trust me it's worth it! In fact I would go as far as saying that that one scene sequence churned out more thrill than perhaps the entire Ra-One movie. The view from the top was scary even while watching on a screen and for a person having fear of heights like me, it didn't amount to comfortable viewing. I am sure even Tom Cruise's body double would have refused some part of the scene. Maybe they roped in Tom Cruise's body double's body double! However, some friends told me that Tom Cruise has actually done most part of that scene which is absolutely amazing to me because HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO COME EVEN FOR A SINGLE SHOT TO INDIA!! AND THERE HE IS FOOLING AROUND AT A MUCH RISKIER PLACE. YES, IT WAS ALL BODY DOUBLE IN INDIA. DAMN RACIST!! That is how an extremist would have reacted, not me Sir. NO! I love body doubles. I dig them and idolize them. I am so fond of body doubles that even the posters on my walls are those of body doubles and not originals. In fact I am convinced that a day will soon come when the originals will just come for photo-shoot, promotions or may be just for intimate scenes tops, rest all will be done by body doubles.


So coming back to the original topic of me being very smart, I must say that I was not the only smart guy in that theater as there was one smarter. This guy in the adjacent seat was apparently so sure that the eye balls of the entire crowd will be fixated to the screen during that Dubai building scene that he decided to plant on his gal a kiss, which went on for as long as it would take an Indian elevator to reach the top floor of Burj Khalifa. Probably he was unaware that The Silent Commentator was around (Thanks to my minuscule popularity owing to selfish readers like you). But look at the nerve of that bastard! Must have been planning it ever since he saw that Making Of MI4 clip on Youtube. To pile on, the thought that he could have turned in the wrong direction being panic stricken made me skip my dinner.


Anyway, without digressing any further, I should tell you, that MI4 is not all about thrilling adventure as Simon Pegg keeps throwing in funny punches at pleasantly regular intervals and given the fact that I don't comprehend a majority of what is spoken in English movies without running subtitles, it has to be really funny when I say so. Tom Cruise despite being on the wrong side of 40 looks as dashing as ever. The best part about the movie is it being fast-paced. Of-course I have never been a fan of women in heavy make-up getting into a physical combat with men of monstrous anatomy. Okay may be sometimes they do so, but that mostly involves hurling of a household utensil and definitely not choke slamming men around, doing a lady Kane. But let's overlook that aspect in the spirit of Christmas. (It's funny how it has suddenly dawned upon me that my writing is not exactly helping my family in searching a girl for me.) That abruptly ends my so called review. My Rating - 4/5.

This thing should never come in sight of Punjab
Police. I'm talking about the BMW not
Paula Patton! 

P.S. Just a friendly advice, don't even think that you will someday own that BMW Vision EfficientDynamics car used by Tom Cruise in the movie. I know you will get the naughty thought but NO, no raise or job-hop will get you that. Don't ever believe those stories of Dhirubhai Ambani, Warrenn Buffett making it large. They are just old wives' tales. Therefore, you are advised to drown the feeling of despair (which by the way will appear within 3 seconds from the appearance of the aforementioned naughty thought) in a large peg of some premium scotch the way I did...


P.P.S. It's amazing how every-time I could stretch a couple of relevant points into a (not necessarily decent)article of decent length. There gotta be some kind of award or recognition of some sorts for this art! On a side-note, I am sure someday somebody will report me to some Bollywood related regulatory body for offending some aspect of review-writing. But until the somes remain only somes, spectaculorum procedere debet.

Ladies vs Ricky Bahl: A Pleasant Surprise!!

Remember, Boys always WIN!!

I am back with a fly-on-the-wall review of the movie Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl and I must say I was pleasantly surprised after watching this movie. It could be mainly because I have been keeping my expectations to rock bottom after the success of Akshay Kumar and partly due to this being a Yash Raj productions (Ya, the same guy who gave us SRK with his stretched arms pose). As with my my earlier review of The Dirty Picture, again I won't be going into the technical details as they are out of scope for both you and me. Also there wouldn't be much of a disclosure of the plot, but only a mention of the good and bad aspects that hit me.


That Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl is a typical Yash Raj movie could be inferred from the facts that:
1) Both the lead actor and actress make their entry through a song in which there will be a dozen fans blowing away the hair of the actors and everybody surrounding the actors will leave their ongoing business and start dancing along, matching every step.
2) Out of some freakish twist in the tale, actors land up in Switzerland or Goa (depending upon the budget of the movie). 
However, there are green pastures for each of us to discover after passing this painful phase of trademark bullshit movie-making. I have no qualms in saying that Parineeti Chopra (cousin of Junglee Billi) steals the show with all the genuinely funny punches. This despite the presence of two very fine upcoming and young artists: Anushka Sharma (whom we all started hating after watching those Reliance Ads with Ranvijay Singh who used to once behave nothing short of Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Roadies show) and Ranveer Singh (don't you think he looks like a cross-breed of a young Akshay Kumar and Rajiv Thakur of the Laugter Challenge show).


The first 15 minutes of the movie will make you realize why everyone in your family and friends suggest not to marry a Delhi gal (You can tell me if you agree or not after watching the movie). Thanks to Salman, the only human left, male actors are as eager to show their body as their counterparts. FYI, both Ranveer and Anushka have flaunted the result of their hardwork in the gym aplenty. Or maybe it's the too-lazy-to-hit-the-gym me taking control here. Anyway, I would give Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl a generous 3.5 out of 5 for the simple reason that it is a light-hearted time-pass and completely harmless movie, though not with a very strong plot. But then if our King Khan can play a husband who meets his wife every evening as another person just because he is not wearing a moustache, then we aren't really into much of strong-plot movies. The movie is definitely a one-time watch and trust me you wouldn't be cribbing on your way out (I'm presuming you have also watched movies like Ready and Bodyguard). Look out for Parineeti, who is the USP of the movie, carrying it on her shoulders for the entire length. (On a side-note doesn't she resembles Dhoni's wife Saakshi? By the way there is a character in the movie who also looked like Dhoni. Let me know, if you noticed that.) 


However, I left the theater very depressed for two reasons: First, thinking when will I have such white and shiny teeth as the movie actors and second, when will I earn enough to afford eatables at a movie theater without feeling guilty!


P.S. If you are wondering that what you have just read is a movie review at all, then I have two things to say: First, if you really wanted a real movie review, you wouldn't go any far from Rajeev Masand. Second, I am writing this after watching the late night show of the movie, which is a big deal with me being a poor engineer and my boss (whom I have to encounter tomorrow early morning) not being particularly a big fan of my writing. GN!!

Movie Review: The Dirty Picture not so 'Dirty' !!

It doesn't happens very often that
Hashmi watches while the others
make hay. But that is what
happened in this movie!!

This is for the first time in my blog that I am attempting to review a movie, so will keep it extremely short and crispy. Rest assured that there are not going to be any spoilers nor am I going to bore you with my knowledge of cinematography (which by the way doesn't exists too). But before starting with the review, given my caring nature, I consider it as my duty to warn you of a couple of things. First, if you consider yourself a holier-than-thou individual, then do yourself and others around you a favor by staying away because all you will be doing after watching the movie would be badmouthing the actors, the art, the concept and most importantly the skill. Second, ladies need to buckle up because the expectation level of their beaus is bound to shoot through the roof after watching this movie.


'The Dirty Picture' is, without a shadow of doubt, a Vidya Balan movie all the way, with her character of Silk being the straw that stirs the entire movie for an entire 2 hr 20 mins. Yes, I know it sounds peculiar given that there was a certain Nasseruddin Shah as the co-actor, but such is the dominant role of Silk in the flick. Nevertheless, Nasseruddin Shah who is easily my favorite Bollywood actor does justice to his role notwithstanding how minuscule it was, but then he doesn't knows any other way, does he?


Tusshar Kapoor's role, like in all his earlier movies, could have been avoided. But then when you have a untalented brother breathing down your neck, you have to throw your weight at some point of time and see him through, so that is good Karma for Ekta Kapoor. Nevertheless, let us give a big hand to Tusshar for finally getting to speak in a movie (if you catch my drift). I don't know about others but Tusshar Kapoor looks so helpless to me that I wouldn't be surprised if a gal gives herself to him just out of pity for him. But what would amuse many would be the role played by Emraan Hashmi who is unofficially the Father of Fornication in India. In the movie he plays an old-school director who thoroughly despises the sex-bomb that is Silk. But as it happens all the time with Hashmi Sahab, he finally falls in love with Silk and is almost on the verge of making Murder 3 when the movie ends. We can only thank God for that!


YES, the movie is loaded with some no-holds-barred raunchy scenes, YES the dialoguebaazi in the movie is straight out of a Delhi University boys hostel but NO, it is not a dirty movie!! I know nobody cares, but I would go for a happy 4 out of 5 for The Dirty Picture. 1 for the brave effort by the director Milan Luthria who trod the thin line without falling on the other side into vulgarity, 1 for the mind-blowing dialoguebaazi which you would seriously attempt to by-heart if it doesn't tattoos to your brain automatically, and 2 for the gutsy Vidya Balan alone who when it comes to acting eats Kareena for breakfast and defecates Katrina. And YES, you need not every-time tattoo ISI on your arm to convey a message!!  So that is it. Short and crisp as promised!


P.S. For me the high point in the movie was when I overheard a girl behind me asking his guy 'Yeh Nasbandi Kya Hota Hai?' 


P.P.S. If you think my review was insightful then transfer me the ticket money for the next Friday release. But if you are financially deprived like me then proceed to the Facebook Share button. However, if you think that I should end this review thingy ASAP then convey your contempt in the comments section (which I will moderate anyway).