Zardari requests Hillary Clinton to get him a iPhone when she comes next for a surprise visit to Pakistan!

Islamabad. In the backdrop of Osama killing in Pakistan, US secretary of state Hillary Clinton made a surprise visit of Islamabad last week to discuss America's concerns over terrorism with Pakistan. While the world remains at sea with Pakistan's role in the so called War-On-Terror and its possibility of getting declared a terrorist state, Pakistan president Asif Ali Zardari seems to have a personal agenda of his own.


" Ya ya ya. War on terror, terrorists, Osama, Obama, LeT, JUD, Musharraf, Sharif, India, China, Abbottabad, Islamabad, state actors, non-state actors all that will go on and on. What Pakistan needs at the moment is a little boost on the technology front. Cutting the chase, actually I have been fostering this dream of owning a iPhone for quite some time now. My chief of staff tells me that one can get a iPhone for quite less in US, so I have requested Hillu to get one for me whenever she plans to surprise visit us next,"said Zardari who bought his last phone Nokia 1100 at 10% discount on becoming the president.


It is to be noted that the latest phone to hit the Pakistani market is MotoRazr so one understands Zardari's decision to stamp his authority through acquiring an iPhone. Although Zardari had been once gifted a iPhone in the form of a surprise package dropped at his doorstep but he burnt the handset owing to its logo of a chewed apple, thinking it to be a sick joke from RAW.


" I know getting iPhone from US could pose some jailbreak problem. But then you can ask any living soul on the face of the earth about the country which has the expertise in jailbreak area, it is us! Besides it will give me an opportunity to be always on-the-go," said a winking Zardari who uses 'iPhone' and 'iPad' interchangeably in his conversations. That last statement caused anxiety and worry in the Obama administration which has already been through a painful ordeal of chasing Osama bin Laden for almost a decade.

Zardari before receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

" We acknowledge receiving a iPhone request from the Pakistani president. Although the Congress has opposed the idea but we have decided to meet Pakistan's demands with this one as well," said the US state department spokesperson confirming receiving the request.


No sooner was this announcement made by the US, the Pakistani nation went into a celebration mode, swamping the streets with burning placards of Nokia 1100. Singing and dancing they celebrated the single biggest achievement in the political career of their president. The entire political caravan including the likes of Dawood reached the president's 1BHK mansion with a crate of half a dozen apples in a show of appreciation.

Zardari after receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

Completely over the cloud, Zardari was short of breath as he said," This accomplishment marks a historical day for Pakistan. I appreciate the graciousness showed by the US. They even went out of their way to ask me if I wanted iPhone 3 or 4 ? Ha Ha Ha.. But I turned down their offer gracefully saying what will I do with so many iPhones. One is enough for me." Zardari paused to count the number of apples in the crate and continued, " Looks like our relationship with America dates back to stone age. In fact my secretary has just informed me that US has even sent me some list and I can bet my bottom dollar that it would be the list of tariff plans for me to choose from as I had also asked for an AT&T connection."

So while the entire Pakistani nation wait for their president to wake up to the alarm tone of iPhone and save the country, one thing is for sure: If you don't have an iPhone, well, you don't have an iPhone!

Survey: Locating a decent public toilet is Indians' number one fear. Death comes second!

According to the survey results released by the Indian Velle Association (IVA), more than 90% of the Indians consider locating a decent public toilet during desperate times as something that they fear most. As surprising as the participants' choice of their biggest fear was, their choice of 'death' as the second most dreadful thing only emphasized the smelly condition of public toilets in the country.


When contacted by for his take on the survey results, a visibly confused Home Minister P Chidambaram reacted, cranking the loopiness meter all the way up to 10, "I do understand people's sentiments over this issue. For a country considered to be the world's biggest dumping ground, the least that we could do is to maintain public toilets in a presentable state."


"Besides don't forget to see the silver lining here. A single time usage of the public toilets in their current condition improves your lung capacity to a level that is beyond the output of a hundred kapalbhati sessions ," added Chidambaram, whose party's dislike for Yoga and associated people is secret to nobody.


The commoners however find it difficult to see any lining, silver or otherwise. What they do experience when inside a public toilet is something straight out of a Jackass show.


Balaji, a local resident of Bangalore who voted using public toilets as his biggest fear even ahead of death and sodomy, has had a harrowing experience with the public toilets. "The other night, while I was on my way back home after devouring a couple of McDonald's Spicy Paneer Burgers, I felt an overwhelming urge to defecate. Kept looking around for a half decent crapper but to no avail. With the pressure on my bowels building with each passing moment, I finally found a Sulabh Shauchalaya at a deserted road behind the trees in the dark. Its condition was as expected but even before I could gather all the courage to mount over the pot without making any contact, the fear of a splashback prevented me from going ahead. The ultimate devil-and-deep-blue-sea choice! Pretty disgusting for a city where you could find more pubs and bars in almost every street isn't it ?" questioned Balaji.


Not everyone though is just concerned by the numbers and the sanitation provided inside the public toilets, there are also some who completely despise the thoughtless way in which some of these public toilets are designed.
"First thing that I demand is to build taller walls separating urinals in this country. This would prohibit towering guys getting a bird's-eye view. Believe me its not a welcome feeling seeing a lanky guy entering the toilet and choosing the urinal just next to you, intentionally missing all the vacant ones on the way, " said Vishal Kumar who at 5'3" suffers big time at the hands of the modern auto flush sensor technology in the urinals at his workplace which assumes that the process is over even though he is still in the mid of it.


"While we should expect the government to work on the infrastructure and sanitation of public toilets, the onus is also on the society to stop disrespecting frequent toilet-goers," added Vishal, who often uses different floor toilets in his office building to avoid public glare.


Meanwhile, the IVA officials have already declared the survey a huge success, courtesy participants' enthusiasm. " The participants didn't just answer the questionnaire but also bombarded strong suggestions. For instance, some expressed their dislike towards the usage of terms like 'Pakistan' and 'Sasural' to address toilets and advocated for the adoption of the terms 'Bade Ghar' and 'Chhote Ghar' as the universal names while others condemned the people who feel ashamed of the echo effects while speaking on phone in the toilet taking a rightful dump," said Mr Susu Reek, president of IVA.

Govt's proposed solution!

Last reported the Sheila Dixit led Delhi government had already sprung to action by putting public awareness boards outside all public toilets saying:  


                   Toilet is the seat of the soul. Keep it clean!
                   -Genital Reminder.

Bachelor seeks revenge by building his own apartment and denying occupancy to married couples!

Bangalore. Living well would be the best revenge for most, but for Ambar Seth, a software engineer, revenge was something that kept him alive for the last three years.Following a harrowing experience when countless number of flat owners shut the door on him when he was on a lookout for a two bedroom-hall-kitchen flat, Ambar started laying the groundwork of his plan to avenge.


"I had been given a one-month notice period by my previous flat owner to vacate the flat. Following the notification,I invested four consecutive weekends looking out for a flat but to no avail. Everybody shut the door on my face just because I was a bachelor. Tell me, is it my mistake that no female ever agreed to marry me after spending five minutes in my company? " asked Ambar with teary red eyes.


He pauses to literally stare a passing by girl till she was out of sight and continues, "It was then that I decided to teach this superficial society a lesson. I started working seriously hard in my office, giving up stuff like every minute status update on Facebook and Twitter. I even stopped my favorite pastime of logging into Rediff News from my fake id 'Kareena' and posting comments. There was just one thing that pre-occupied my mind all that while: A dream of owning an apartment someday and say NO to married wannabe-occupants!"


Ambar's anguish does not comes as a surprise to many in metro cities of India where its becoming increasingly difficult for bachelors to get flats on rent in societies which are predominantly occupied by families. Particularly so in Bangalore, where majority of these bachelors are from IT background and thus automatically accused of practicing bad habits.


"I have been a bachelor from IT background myself so I am well aware of the things that could take place. Been there, done that you see! " snapped Mr Gupta when asked by The Silent Commentator, if he now regretted having turned down Ambar earlier.


"All bachelors follow the same protocol. It starts with playing loud music followed by boozing parties and the next thing you know is girls sneaking in and out of their flats at odd hours," commented Rajesh, another flat owner who denied renting his flat to Ambar and someone who himself ironically enough owns a Rottweiler and was in a one year long live-in relationship with a girl whom he didn't go on to marry. Among other things that Rajesh holds against bachelors are paying hefty tips to security guards for trivial favors, ordering piles of pizzas almost daily and leaving a trail of their expensive perfumes in apartment lifts. According to Rajesh, all these factors put pressure on people like him who are not earning as much.


Ambar however emphasizes that he was innocent then but not now as he makes it a point to practice all the misdemeanours that he was wrongfully suspected of. "They brought out the animal in me. My each breath awaits the moment when a married couple will approach me, requesting me to rent them my flat and I would reply to them 'The flat is vacant but I am not comfortable renting it to a married couple. Please don't mind. There are SOCIETY PRESSURES' ,"said Ambar breaking into hysterical laughter of the kind that would make any Bollywood villain of the 80's very proud.


"They wasted four precious weekends of my life. Four weekends of sleeping at dawn and waking up at dusk, four weekends of lying down on my couch flipping through TV channels and staring at ceiling after exhausting all the Dominos discount coupons , four weekends of complete inactivity which nobody can bring me back, " added Ambar, his eyes turning red for the third time during the interview.


"At last the moment of reckoning has come for me. If the bear-bottle shape of my apartment building and the yellow-white-grey color combination of the pillars don't send a message out loud enough, then nothing in the world ever will, " said Ambar sarcastically as most of the flat-owners used to presume that he would be a compulsive drunkard and smoker.

Landmark to Ambar's apartment couldn't be more convenient

Not surprisingly Ambar has decided to name his apartment 'Adams Only'. An apartment that he doesn't intends to sell but only to rent. It doesn't stops there, Ambar has even gone to the extent of mentioning on the address stone outside, "Married couples and Dogs not allowed". Last heard, Ambar had convinced notorious Bollywood singer Mika to cut the ribbon and inaugurate the apartment.

On a Train of Thoughts with a one-way Ticket to Hell!!

Today I am going to talk to your soul. Yes. I’ll talk to a deeply disturbed soul which must frequently have undergone the horrors of travelling in an Indian train. I’m sure, when you finish reading this piece of writing, you’ll end up satisfied and relieved, realizing that you are not the only one who has suffered. Let’s see if the trains of our thoughts collide.

Where It All Begins: Since you are going to read about Indian trains for the next hundred lines, so why not start with this very important place. The platform. It is to a train what nose is to Himesh Reshammiya. If you have ever been outside the Indian subcontinent, then the sight of an Indian railway platform will suck all your patriotism. And it’s not going to help even more if the platform in question belongs to UP or Bihar, because then not only will you watch a free-for-all show of Slumdog Millionaire, but also you’ll be amazed to see the number of shapes and colours that human faeces could be in.

Getting In: If there is a woman involved in the travelling group, then within minutes of the start of journey, you’ll witness Tupperware utensils all over the compartment. The pooris are out and so are the pickles, and all of a sudden you get a feeling as if you are sitting around some stranger’s dining table. You would really prefer a root canal than being there. And don’t they really test your patience when they offer you to join them? Aren’t these the same people who counsel their children not to eat anything a stranger offers?

The Old Brigade: Your worst nightmare comes true when you are surrounded by old people in your compartment. Following are their typical irritating characteristics:

A) Old people are very good at initiating a conversation even though they are as welcomed by you as gay Jews in Nazi Germany. The chit-chat will invariably lead to discussions about the ills prevailing in the society, and the measures which these old jerks think need to be taken. Sooner or later, politics will be thrown into the mix and you have an entire unique show of News Hour minus Arnab on your hands.

B) If in case you missed out on the menu while the food was being served, these old nutjobs will ensure you realise the menu with their very frequent and noisy belches. If you haven't already smashed your head against the window grill , then let the clock strike twelve and you get an unpleasant menu reminder in the form of farts. It has always amazed me why old people don’t feel ashamed of farting in public. Age can do some really weird things you see.

C) Cellphone: That’s a killer isn’t it? Starting from forgetting to put the phone in silent mode to yelling at high pitches, a cellphone, according to me is one single machinery which is crying to be smashed. By the time your painful journey ends, you would probably have been well-acquainted with all the relatives of the people in your compartment inside out.

D) Did you ever have the privilege of experiencing an oldie complaining about the AC being too cold and therefore getting it switched off ? Oh, for the love of God!! You will wish if your hand was a Thor’s hammer so you could smash that oldie’s empty hollow cranium and feed his bone marrow to a pig.

E) Early to bed and early to rise. I know you have never followed this but you wouldn’t have realized how others following it could become such a pain in the ass for you. All your celebrations of getting a lower berth will be slashed to naught when the oldie decides to get down from his upper/middle berth at five in the morning and demand from you a parking place for his hips. It is then that you feel like putting the oldie in a casket and start bench pressing with it.

F) Then there will be this one oldie who will be sitting at the window with a knife in his hand like a monkey, buying all fruits on offer and gulping them, making you think that the evolution of humans from apes could really have been skipped.

G) If you have surpassed all of the above disasters and feeling at the top of the world then just remember that the oldie has not yet taken his shoes off. There is not enough voltage in the world that can now electroshock you back into coherence.

The Trick: No. We are not talking about anyone turning tricks inside a train, not that it doesn’t happen, but tell me what is the first thing you check after getting a train ticket? An upper berth? Lower berth? No. That comes second. First thing that you check is the berth number because, that in turn will foresee the enjoyment quotient for the rest of your journey. The further away you are from the washroom, the higher are the chances you will come out of that train breathing normal. Now you might wonder, if just sitting close to a washroom can be so catastrophic, then how does a personuse one. I’ll help you out. Keep your eyes and ears open and noses closed. Be on a lookout for any chick going to the washroom and you enter as soon as she leaves. With all the perfumed toiletries that they use, you will indeed enjoy using the washroom immediately after them.

The Lowly Struggle: Now as sun starts setting in, pulses of those old plus fat ladies start racing. Of course they have been allotted the upper berth which has started looking like a Mt Everest to them. So now the begging session starts, in which you will be convinced of your youth and fitness, so much so that you’d like to get an admission to college once again. In return goes your lower berth.

The Test: Your train compartment, no matter how filthy and stinky it is, turns into a high testosterone area if you are an unmarried person, and you happen to have a newly-wed couple next to you. Really!! It’s a test. A test so testing that even Sita would have floundered. Your heart pumps and pupils dilate on each and every move, no matter how normal, the couple makes. First time in your life you realize the significance of having a 6/6 vision.

Money vs Masculinity: Whenever the fairer sex complains of inequality between men and women, they don’t realize the trauma we men undergo when a bunch of eunuchs get into the train. We men have tried everything, from faking sleep to hiding inside the washrooms but there is no escaping. Some even went to the extent of faking their own sexual orientation. Now don’t even get me started on what they do to you if you refuse to pay them. Arre Mere Raja…

The Luggage Family: I swear to God that I am going to change my name to Ravindra Jadeja if this one never happened to you. A long train trip is incomplete without that one family which jumps into the train with so much luggage, as if the entirecontinent has got a job transfer. They come like a storm and start jamming in their luggage not just under their berth but at times even to the adjoining compartments. Not to mention, you’re not going to find your footwear when your urinary bladder is about to break the Hooke’s law of elasticity.

The Chaiwala Tragedy: Believe me, it is nothing short of a tragedy. A tragedy so tragic that even Jalliawala will appear a celebration of peace. Just imagine a situation when you haven’t got sleep all night because of some/all of the factors mentioned above, it’s almost dawn and you are finally getting some sleep and BANG! You hear a loud cry piercing your eardrums ‘Chai‘. Oh, the humanity! Nothing can top that. Or wait a minute! How about if you are not even a Chai-drinker?

This article was first published by me on News That Matters Not. Here is the Link

A Face-off with Facebook !!

I did some calculations with my Facebook account, and you got to believe them, irrespective of the fact that at school, I seldom proceeded beyond the first two steps of Mathematical Induction. Here they are:

Number of Friends = 420 (Gee.. Somehow that number always clings to me, but that has nothing to do with my persona.)

Number of friends whom I have actually seen = 331

Number of friends whom I have ever spoken with (including chat) = 309

Number of friends whose whereabouts I am aware of = 009

Number of friends whose relationship status I am aware of = 009

Number of friends who are actually my friends = 009

As you can observe from this, the number of people in my so-called “friends list”, who are actually my friends, is 9. So what about the other 411 people? We surely don’t need ACP Pradyuman for that? Here is a list of purposes that those other 411 people serve after attaching themselves to me as a blood-sucking parasite:

To serve you the weather report of some unheard-of US town: There are times when I feel very low and depressed in life. Then I open Facebook, and see some losers telling in their status updates, how much it snowed in California or when has the sun came out in New Jersey. Now I may be way, way off here, but I cannot recall any situation in my life where I could have told myself: “Gee.. If I could somehow know whether it is humid in Boston today or not, it would be really helpful!” Meanwhile, let me also say that if you’re going to post something about Thanksgiving Day either, I give you a “no thanks” for that info.

Virus-like people using virus-infected apps: I never understood what does ‘A new fortune cookie has been delivered to you’means. Believe me. Is it really Bejan Daruwalla sending that to you or is it some kind of a confectionery item delivered at your doorstep. No clue. And that we have a plethora of these, doesn’t help either: ‘Know your Latin name’, ‘Know the meaning of your name’, ‘Find your life path number’, ‘Which Egyptian god/goddess are you?’ , ‘Farmville Updates‘. Unbelievable. Absolutely shocking. I mean, tell me, how does it help to know my Latin name. Will it make my life any less miserable? Will it make me more likable? Will the auto-wala stop charging me owing to my Egyptian god/goddess name? The process of evolution clearly seems to have bypassed some people!

To irritate you with their selection of profile pics: I did some calculations on this one as well. Out of 289 males in my friends list, 281 of them could be seen wearing sunglasses in their profile pic. In fact I have this open challenge — if, say,  FB bans pics with sunglasses, you’ll find 99% of the guys in your list have changed their profile pic to that of an actor or a sportsman or even to a sports car/bike. 
Remember that timid boy from your school days who was slow at everything and whom you and your gang fondly called fattu? Well, just check out his FB profile pic now, you’ll see him posing as a tough gangster (of course with the sunglasses on) and now he doesn’t even give a second thought about setting the “Looking For” field of his profile to “Dating”.
Then there are those who put their childhood pic, trying to score brownie points with girls who will come drooling over with their customary “Cho Chweet” remarks. How long do they want to take undue advantage of the fact that they looked cute as a kid? It’s time for a face-off. Agreed, that most of the females they were wooing will disappear on seeing their new avatar, but then they were going to disappear after meeting in person for the first time anyway.
Also there are people who put that pic which was taken in a studio, you know, the passport size photo with a red or blue background. Then there are those who put a pic capturing only their torso, as if people worldwide will request them, “Please show the remaining part of your body. We are literally dying here with anxiety.” And God forbid, if some son of a gun has got himself a well-toned body, he is sure to make full use of it by throwing a tattoo somewhere in the mix, as if gals will start tearing their clothes looking at his pic. Remaining are those poor chaps who neither have a beautiful face nor an interesting idea, so they simply write their name in such a stylish fashion which nobody can decipher.

To wish everybody who was born, a very happy birthday: This might give you an impression of me being a total nutjob, but I have even done a calculation on this. If it was not for FB, people wouldn’t get even 99.3% of the birthday wishes. This one is specifically for that one person who is sure to be there in everybody’s friends list who doesn’t get tired of wishing everybody on their birthdays. And since both the parties are there on your friends list, you are sure to receive the notification ‘So-and-so wished so-and-so on his/her birthday’. Not only will this irritate you but also will make you feel guilty. And the worst part is that the persons wishing a happy birthday do not even type the message themselves, instead they copy-paste the earlier message from the wall and the birthday boy/gal copies-pastes a standard reply to all of the messages. Now that’s one wish-thanks combination straight from the heart.

To perspire you with their inspirational status messages: What’s the deal with those people who put status messages like “Be the best or nothing”. What are they best at? Facebooking? Setting inspirational status messages? The least that they could do to motivate us is mention the art that they have mastered. Also there is this real dull and sluggish kind of guy you know, saying “Life is really short to waste! Enjoy each n every moment.” Now that kind of a status message from that kind of a guy is sure to cheer you up. Give me a break!

To agonize you with notifications: Almost every week, one of these random 411 strangers-cum-friends will tag you in some weird unrelated pic and the next thing you know is that for the next one week you will be agonized by constant notifications as the remaining 410 pinheads start thanking that one pinhead who took that lovely initiative. “Thanx for tagging, sweet!” “♥ Love u!!! Nice pic! ♥”

To remind you of the ever-dropping girl-to-boy ratio in our country: If a girl says on FB, “I made a mistake”, then hundreds of FB-heroes pounce upon her, asking ‘What happened?’ ,‘Regarding?’. Some of them do so, fancying their chances, believing the girl might be wanting to come out of a bad relationship. The entire melodrama comes to a screeching end, when the girl discloses her mistake: “I believed TOI movie review and watched No Problem.” On the contrary, these same FB-heroes enter a coma if a guy even posts “I think that’s it. I am going to end my life today.“

Those killer Must-Watch videos: If you are an Indian then you must watch this, if you love your mother/father then you must watch this, and the stupidity goes on and on and on and on. Now if sharing a stupid video on the behest of a stranger is the yardstick to judge love and patriotism, then mankind is definitely heading towards stone age. How about If you are a jobless jerk then you must watch this. Folly has no end to it. Really!!

Strangers suggesting friends for you: This is the last thing that we need, isn’t it? A stranger suggesting friends for you. Next will be a stranger suggesting a father for you. They even have aFriend Finder for you. Maybe those hundreds of people who call me brainsick are correct, but unless you are Ijaz Butt, you don’t need a stranger or a software to suggest/find friends for you. And please, in the name of God, will anyone explain me the exact usage of that Poke feature?

Well, no matter how much I crib and how much you laugh, Facebook continues to be an incredibly trusted friend which makes us feel important and well-liked amongst a large group of people we don’t even care for and who can’t even recall our name.

P.S. Attention! It’s a public warning. You are going to get flooded by FB notifications about people changing their profile pics. And believe me, no one is suggesting you friends any time soon.

P.P.S. Very much like my previous write-ups even this one doesn’t make sense. You are more than welcome to request the editor to create a new section specifically for me: Views That Matter Not.

This article was first published by me on News That Matters Not. Here is the Link

Resolutions for the Revolution # 2012

Below is a list of some New Year resolutions, which even though very thoughtlessly thought over, will resonate with each one of you. If in case even one of them hasn’t ever featured in your list of resolutions, then you need immediate psychiatric attention.

I will lose weight.

I will quit smoking.

I will drink more water and less beer.

I will exercise regularly.

I will sleep early and wake up early.

I will call mom daily.

I will brush my teeth every night before sleeping.

I will work/study efficiently without checking my mails/FB every alternate minute.

Forget about getting through an entire set of 365 wretched days, even before the first week of January ends, bending a fork mentally will appear easier than following even one of them.

So, my public-spirited soul decided to combine with my toothless wisdom and provoked me to suggest you some new New Year resolutions. No, don’t worry! Nobody is asking you to split an atom here, I have framed them keeping in mind the high levels of joblessness, the average level of determination, and the very low level of self-belief of my readers:

Resolution # 1

If the entire front page of the newspaper has an ad, I’m going to use it to carry my dog’s poop.

And I am sure that my dog is gonna express thanks for that with one bowel movement a day. I don’t see how an entire front page covered with a cool-looking dude eating Vimal Gutkha in the middle of a desert can prepare me for a convincing day ahead. And the websites! Seen those ads that appear on your screen as soon as you open websites like timesofindia.com and Cricinfo? Isn’t that the most sickening display of forced advertising? Come year 2012, and you will not let anybody force you to see what you don’t want to see just because you want to waste your time at the workplace. You’ll take your eyes off the screen for those five seconds — your resolution. I’ve tried it, and it’s easy. In fact, you get a feeling of triumph at the end of it.

Resolution # 2
I will stop singing tunes of Sachin Tendulkar’s greatness.

I agree he is the best but let’s just leave it at that. Harping about his credentials will not put food on your platter albeit it provides momentary delight. Really people, if Sachin was the first one to score 17000 ODI runs, he will definitely be the first one to score 17001 runs, 17002 runs, 17003 runs and so on. Unless the world becomes a Hollywood studio, I can’t see how any other batsman can score thousands of runs overnight and surprise you. So, no need to extract a Diwali celebration out of each run he scores. Somehow, we Indians are blessed with a myopic ability of seeing his achievements as our own. And, now please don’t start with that ‘Cricket is our religion and Sachin is our God’ crap as all your love for cricket is shown by the fact that irrespective of the playing conditions, you always want India to bat when you are free to watch. I know by now Tendulkar fans would have started feeling a searing pain in their Tendulkar gland, so before  knives are out for me for speaking about Sachin in this fashion, let’s quickly drop this resolution from the list and move on to the next one.

Resolution # 3

I will not buy anything, the price tag of which bears a 99 at the end.

This add-99-to-fool-people scam has been going around for quite some time now. Its high time that we abolish anything which has this ending-in-99 price tag. If under some circumstances, it really becomes imperative of you to buy such a product, make sure you take the one rupee change back and not give the dealer any satisfaction. Yes, majority of my day-to-day actions are just out of spite!

Resolution # 4

I will not waste my 300 hard-earned (Well. Not exactly!) bucks on a movie starring Akshay Kumar.

Let me take the sadistic pleasure of reminding you of his last ten blockbusters: Tashan, Chandni Chowk To China, 8 x 10 Tasveer, Kambakkht Ishq, Blue, De Dana Dan, House Full, Khatta Meetha, Action Replayy, Tees Maar Khan. Police is still counting on the number of people who died of internal hemorrhaging. Want a pleasant surprise? House Full 2 is already in pre-production stage. Watching his movies is like talking to a gravestone. Also, it might sound like philosophical hogwash, but do we really need an Akshay Kumar in Bollywood? Haven’t we already, by projecting SRK as The King Of Bollywood, practically discovered the award of “Dumbest People On Earth” and awarded it to ourselves ?

Resolution # 5
I will not buy JK cement no matter how many dazzling beauties they show in swimming costumes. 

As much as I agree that hot chicks are capable of doing many seemingly impossible things, but increasing the strength of a skyscraper foundation remains too far-fetched for me. I am not even gonna believe the WikiLeaks with this one!

Resolution # 6

I will never mention Friends as my favourite TV show and Chetan Bhagat as my favourite author.

Trust me on this one. If Friends is your favourite TV show then you definitely suffer from selective amnesia while watching TV, and if Chetan Bhagat is your favourite author then actually you are not even qualified to read a good book. And, if by any slice of misfortune, you have both of the above as favorites, then I am surprised that nobody has killed you yet. So either drop dead or be a little classy this year.

Resolution # 7

I will never buy anything at the airport/airlines.

Even if you are dying of hunger, and a chicken sandwich (for which actually a chicken sacrificed its life) starts to appear as a life saver, don’t buy anything on an airport/airlines. You are not gonna regret even if you sacrifice your life in the process, but this scam must be put to an end. The nerve of these people. Thirty bucks for a tea!! Am I having this tea with the models of Sports IllustratedSwimsuit Collection or what?

Resolution # 8

I will not pay one-and-a-half to auto-drivers.

I might plunk down 4k for a pair of jeans that cease to fit me after my next meal. I might also buy a 55 inches LED TV just to watch NewsHour. But there is no way that I am going to pay seventy-five bucks to an auto-driver when the meter reads fifty! It may be well past 10 p.m. and my house might be in a deserted area from where the auto-driver wouldn’t find any new customer to take back, but I take a stand today. There is something seriously wrong with this breed and they need to be put back in place. Traffic discipline is like a contraband to them. No one-and-a-half!! This one is for all the scratches on my car and the zillion times I have been cut-off in the traffic.

Resolution # 9

I will not listen to any song, the lyrics of which I can’t even comprehend.

This one could easily be the hamlet of all stupidities. Aren’t A R Rahman’s songs enough to put doubts in your numb skulls about your hearing capability and your understanding of the national language, that we now need Arabic and Persian lyrics? Remember those numbers from Murder(Kaho Na Kaho) and Bluffmaster (Bure Bure Hum Hum Hum)? And, I also resolve this New Year that I won’t become a fan of utter nonsense songs, in which a woman called Munni can become a Zandu Balm, method unknown.

Resolution # 10

I will not be good to anybody who says to me “Be Good”/”Take Care”.

These could easily be the two worst phrases of English language. Why do people say that at the end of a chat or a telephone call? What does it even mean? How does one exactly do this activity of “taking care”?! Let’s say I am Hitler, gassing around people on their arrival to Auschwitz. But since this guy, whom I meet just once in a year told me to be good, will I let the Jews flourish? WTH! I know it has become a kind of tradition but then sacrificing virgins to appease God was also one; we don’t follow that anymore, then why do we stick with this Be-Good-Take-Care bullshit?

Those aren’t difficult resolutions to follow, are they? So what if you couldn’t get six-packs in 2011. Read the above ten with ten intervening shots of margarita and ROCK ON!!

P.S. I know my aforementioned suggestions don’t have the authority of God’s commandments chiseled in stone, but bank on me this one time and try them out for a year. Revert to me at the end of 2012 with results and I am sure that by then you would have become a person very much like me i.e. widely despised.

P.P.S. Although this one is an old article, still I didn't post it on 1st Jan as I perfectly understand that reading a write-up on the first day of the year from a perennial loser like me is pretty ironical and might not be the best of ways to start a year.

P.P.P.S. Completely irrelevant to the post, I am almost compelled to mention this well-known fact about Hitler which I find very hilarious: ‘Hitler had a fiancée in the 1920s, Mimi Reiter, and later had a mistress, Eva Braun. He had a close bond with his half-niece Geli Raubal. All three women attempted suicide (two succeeded).’

P.P.P.P.S. Ok one last thing. Wonder how would Anna Hazare deliver a New Year Resolution speech:
"Dekhooooooooooo...
 Cigarette/Daru chod dooooooooo... 
 Nashebaaaaazi karnaaaaaa..
 buri baat haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"
Rhythm Correct !?!

Pakistani athletes unhappy about excessive cleanliness in Games Village!

New Delhi: 

The chef-de-mission of the Pakistan contingent in the Delhi Commonwealth Games has filed a complaint with the Organising Committee that the facilities at the Games Village are too clean for them to survive there. Be-Wajah Shah said he has filed a complaint with the organisers that the Indians have again back-stabbed their brothers from different mothers, that they lured Pakistan into participating here by showing to them filthy pics of the toilets and hotel rooms, but now that the Games have begun, everything appears “tip-top”.

“It came as a rude shock to me given that the initial pictures were so promising. For long now, India has been eyeing that lone bronze medal that we win in forgery. Since they can’t defeat us in forgery so they create such an alien environment for us,” Shah said.

He further added: “With all these shining floors, silken blankets, top-class training facilities et al, India seems to have invested millions not to host a mega event of global recognition but just to fry Pakistan’s ass. But let’s not fool ourselves. Pakistan will do everything in its capacity to spread filth around and bring the entire arrangement down to Paki standards. A tinge of terrorist activities here and there goes without saying.”

“It doesn’t stop there. Even the food that we are provided here is so nutritious. What good do these cornflakes and fruit juices do? We came here thinking that we will devour tonnes of Biryani. Every time I go out to enjoy food in Pakistan with my friends, there is some bomb blast or the other. I haven’t had a decent meal in a long long time. Coming to India was my only hope, but I guess what people back home say about India is true. Traitors! Yeah, you heard it right. That’s what you people are,” said a seemingly nonchalant Shah.

“The organisers have even tested four of our athletes for a possible dope intake. I want to ask the CWG Organising Committee — what is going on here? Don’t they know that taking hashish with morning tea is customary in our country? Do they have any idea how gruelling such investigations are? I will go as far as to say that they are the psychological equivalent of a complete rectal examination, ” added a very sombre Shah.

Shah was earlier involved in a controversy on the opening day of the CWG when he had a dust-up with Shuja Malik, a CWG gold medallist, over who’ll occupy the room with the maximum paan stains in it.

CWG gold medalist Shuja Malik

Pakistani swimming team captain Narak-e-Tairaak echoed the thoughts of Shah: “I don’t get this sense of cleanliness that the Indians have developed overnight. What is all this hypocrisy? Now take the example of yesterday. One of the maintenance fellows stripped me out of the pool just because he caught me peeing in the pool. What harm will a little additional salt in the pool water do?”

Three days ago, an unnamed Pakistani gymnast felt he might be suffering from constipation, until he located a railway track nearby. He rues: “This commode thing is totally alien to us? We feel a little under the weather if we have to crap anywhere other than the railway track or Tora-Bora mountain. Other Pakistani sportsmen can go without crapping for days as they have a solemn belief in the gaseous state of things but people like gymnasts need to do a lot of bending and stretching and we definitely are not among those who give their country a bad name in front of millions.”

Rumours are rife that the Organising Committee  awarded the Pakistani contingent an “earthenware medal” even before the competition began and instructed them to leave for their clean motherland as soon as possible.

This article was first published by me on News That Matters Not. Here is the Link