A Face-off with Facebook !!

I did some calculations with my Facebook account, and you got to believe them, irrespective of the fact that at school, I seldom proceeded beyond the first two steps of Mathematical Induction. Here they are:

Number of Friends = 420 (Gee.. Somehow that number always clings to me, but that has nothing to do with my persona.)

Number of friends whom I have actually seen = 331

Number of friends whom I have ever spoken with (including chat) = 309

Number of friends whose whereabouts I am aware of = 009

Number of friends whose relationship status I am aware of = 009

Number of friends who are actually my friends = 009

As you can observe from this, the number of people in my so-called “friends list”, who are actually my friends, is 9. So what about the other 411 people? We surely don’t need ACP Pradyuman for that? Here is a list of purposes that those other 411 people serve after attaching themselves to me as a blood-sucking parasite:

To serve you the weather report of some unheard-of US town: There are times when I feel very low and depressed in life. Then I open Facebook, and see some losers telling in their status updates, how much it snowed in California or when has the sun came out in New Jersey. Now I may be way, way off here, but I cannot recall any situation in my life where I could have told myself: “Gee.. If I could somehow know whether it is humid in Boston today or not, it would be really helpful!” Meanwhile, let me also say that if you’re going to post something about Thanksgiving Day either, I give you a “no thanks” for that info.

Virus-like people using virus-infected apps: I never understood what does ‘A new fortune cookie has been delivered to you’means. Believe me. Is it really Bejan Daruwalla sending that to you or is it some kind of a confectionery item delivered at your doorstep. No clue. And that we have a plethora of these, doesn’t help either: ‘Know your Latin name’, ‘Know the meaning of your name’, ‘Find your life path number’, ‘Which Egyptian god/goddess are you?’ , ‘Farmville Updates‘. Unbelievable. Absolutely shocking. I mean, tell me, how does it help to know my Latin name. Will it make my life any less miserable? Will it make me more likable? Will the auto-wala stop charging me owing to my Egyptian god/goddess name? The process of evolution clearly seems to have bypassed some people!

To irritate you with their selection of profile pics: I did some calculations on this one as well. Out of 289 males in my friends list, 281 of them could be seen wearing sunglasses in their profile pic. In fact I have this open challenge — if, say,  FB bans pics with sunglasses, you’ll find 99% of the guys in your list have changed their profile pic to that of an actor or a sportsman or even to a sports car/bike. 
Remember that timid boy from your school days who was slow at everything and whom you and your gang fondly called fattu? Well, just check out his FB profile pic now, you’ll see him posing as a tough gangster (of course with the sunglasses on) and now he doesn’t even give a second thought about setting the “Looking For” field of his profile to “Dating”.
Then there are those who put their childhood pic, trying to score brownie points with girls who will come drooling over with their customary “Cho Chweet” remarks. How long do they want to take undue advantage of the fact that they looked cute as a kid? It’s time for a face-off. Agreed, that most of the females they were wooing will disappear on seeing their new avatar, but then they were going to disappear after meeting in person for the first time anyway.
Also there are people who put that pic which was taken in a studio, you know, the passport size photo with a red or blue background. Then there are those who put a pic capturing only their torso, as if people worldwide will request them, “Please show the remaining part of your body. We are literally dying here with anxiety.” And God forbid, if some son of a gun has got himself a well-toned body, he is sure to make full use of it by throwing a tattoo somewhere in the mix, as if gals will start tearing their clothes looking at his pic. Remaining are those poor chaps who neither have a beautiful face nor an interesting idea, so they simply write their name in such a stylish fashion which nobody can decipher.

To wish everybody who was born, a very happy birthday: This might give you an impression of me being a total nutjob, but I have even done a calculation on this. If it was not for FB, people wouldn’t get even 99.3% of the birthday wishes. This one is specifically for that one person who is sure to be there in everybody’s friends list who doesn’t get tired of wishing everybody on their birthdays. And since both the parties are there on your friends list, you are sure to receive the notification ‘So-and-so wished so-and-so on his/her birthday’. Not only will this irritate you but also will make you feel guilty. And the worst part is that the persons wishing a happy birthday do not even type the message themselves, instead they copy-paste the earlier message from the wall and the birthday boy/gal copies-pastes a standard reply to all of the messages. Now that’s one wish-thanks combination straight from the heart.

To perspire you with their inspirational status messages: What’s the deal with those people who put status messages like “Be the best or nothing”. What are they best at? Facebooking? Setting inspirational status messages? The least that they could do to motivate us is mention the art that they have mastered. Also there is this real dull and sluggish kind of guy you know, saying “Life is really short to waste! Enjoy each n every moment.” Now that kind of a status message from that kind of a guy is sure to cheer you up. Give me a break!

To agonize you with notifications: Almost every week, one of these random 411 strangers-cum-friends will tag you in some weird unrelated pic and the next thing you know is that for the next one week you will be agonized by constant notifications as the remaining 410 pinheads start thanking that one pinhead who took that lovely initiative. “Thanx for tagging, sweet!” “♥ Love u!!! Nice pic! ♥”

To remind you of the ever-dropping girl-to-boy ratio in our country: If a girl says on FB, “I made a mistake”, then hundreds of FB-heroes pounce upon her, asking ‘What happened?’ ,‘Regarding?’. Some of them do so, fancying their chances, believing the girl might be wanting to come out of a bad relationship. The entire melodrama comes to a screeching end, when the girl discloses her mistake: “I believed TOI movie review and watched No Problem.” On the contrary, these same FB-heroes enter a coma if a guy even posts “I think that’s it. I am going to end my life today.“

Those killer Must-Watch videos: If you are an Indian then you must watch this, if you love your mother/father then you must watch this, and the stupidity goes on and on and on and on. Now if sharing a stupid video on the behest of a stranger is the yardstick to judge love and patriotism, then mankind is definitely heading towards stone age. How about If you are a jobless jerk then you must watch this. Folly has no end to it. Really!!

Strangers suggesting friends for you: This is the last thing that we need, isn’t it? A stranger suggesting friends for you. Next will be a stranger suggesting a father for you. They even have aFriend Finder for you. Maybe those hundreds of people who call me brainsick are correct, but unless you are Ijaz Butt, you don’t need a stranger or a software to suggest/find friends for you. And please, in the name of God, will anyone explain me the exact usage of that Poke feature?

Well, no matter how much I crib and how much you laugh, Facebook continues to be an incredibly trusted friend which makes us feel important and well-liked amongst a large group of people we don’t even care for and who can’t even recall our name.

P.S. Attention! It’s a public warning. You are going to get flooded by FB notifications about people changing their profile pics. And believe me, no one is suggesting you friends any time soon.

P.P.S. Very much like my previous write-ups even this one doesn’t make sense. You are more than welcome to request the editor to create a new section specifically for me: Views That Matter Not.

This article was first published by me on News That Matters Not. Here is the Link