Don2: How it changed my life and would certainly change yours!!

Unlike everyone else (except for the Don2 team which kept congratulating each other over twitter all day), I am not going to completely dismiss Don2 as waste. Reason? Actually two of them: Firstly, Don2 has opened my eyes about life. It has forced me to look at the life from a new prism of reality. I think now it's high time that I get married and settle in life. After-all how long will this continue? Watching senseless movies, writing uncalled-for reviews, maintaining a rejected blog. It has to stop somewhere. Thanks SRK! I would definitely invite you to my marriage to dance but that is subjected to the dowry I get, so until something materialises on that front, please take care of your materialistic needs by conning the innocent people of my otherwise a very bright country.


Second reason is that I have started respecting my software engineering job a lot more now. No, it has nothing to do with Lara Dutta's role in the movie. Actually, while watching the movie I developed an instant sympathy for the bootlegger who would be sitting alert somewhere in the corner, recording Don2 secretly with a hidden handycam. Spare a thought for the guy, he has to go out later and convince others to buy that pirated CD. It would be like falling in a ditch of manure and then convincing somebody to lick you clean. Now that is Mission Impossible 5!!


Now you might be thinking that what kind of a Satan's secretary I am, spitting venom all around on Christmas. But then you see while 'you' happy people have everything in life and still hang Christmas stockings outside to receive even more gifts, I, like all other days in life, had put the same bloody milk coupon in the same bloody plastic bag. So don't expect the spirit of Christmas to be any kind of deal sweetener in this review.


Anyway, let me leave my psychotic-in-nature personal problems and start with the review. Don2 opens with a scene in which our hero fights single-handedly (ofcourse weaponless), with what I think was an entire island of shotgun laden gangsters. Isn't that's something he was supposed to do as G.One, instead of blowing flour on 'our' bebo and occasionally becoming a PSPO fan for her. But we shouldn't out-rightly blame SRK for that because the fact is that the 'number of villains a hero can pummel' increases as you start descending south from New Delhi. I am not too sure what is the state of affairs regarding this in SriLanka, but then if you look at it, may be Arjuna Ranatunga can indeed ...No..No..bad thought. 


Not allowing me to digress any further, I must say that the first half of the movie was still tolerable despite being woefully slow for a thriller. Add to that, it was only after a good 30 minutes into the movie, I realised that my 3D glasses were not actually a working pair at all, not that I regret missing on something when I look back now. So I have to wait till the intemission to give the theater management a taste of my 'Kanpur Dialect' and get a new pair of 3D glasses. In retrospect, I think it shouldn't have mattered much as even with a working pair of 3D glasses, the movie sucked big time which brings me to:<cue Newshour music> "The question tonight is that why did these numbskulls have to release Don2 in 3D. Tonight the nation needs an answer!" Really, what could possibly be the reason? If you ask me releasing Don2 in 3D just meant adding another dimension of trash. And you call me a sadist!!

The conman is back!!

I think with this habit of digressing at every juncture, I will never be able to become a good movie-reviewer! For the nth time coming back to the movie, real trouble started brewing in the 2nd half in which even an ignorant fool like SRK realised that there isn't exactly a buckload of thrill in the so called thriller. So what did the King of Bollywood do? He falls back on his Yash-Raj-production-house inspired romantic style of acting. Trust me if you are a fan of romantic SRK, there are some pleasant surprises for you in store. But really, it was at this point that I completely lost it. Even some college students (unwitting as we all are at that age) who cheered SRK's entrance in the movie started mocking him. I mean, just imagine Don, whom municipal vans police of 11 countries are chasing, starts fighting for a police officer. No need to re-read, you read it right in the first place: 'For a police officer' and not 'Against a police officer'. In-fact I even think for those parts in the movie where SRK and Priyanka Chopra were really falling in love, the background music became serenely romantic. May be they roped in Jatin-Lalit for those parts or maybe I misheard. Try to understand, my sense of proportion had deserted me by then. I should have taken my clue from seeing the people coming out of the earlier show. They looked like as if they paid some concentration camp a forceful visit. And as if the movie was not already torturing enough by then, in the last scene they show SRK sir riding a bike with registration no "Don 3". I almost kicked the seat in my front seeing that. Do you all know what that means? Do you realise the gravity of this? I think those old crazy science people who keep saying that in 2012 world will come to an end are indeed true.



The saddest part of all however remains, that despite all the Cartoon Network logic of the movie, even this will make millions of bucks just out of SRK's name. I guess like my friends who share my articles on FB even without opening it, SRK too has a blind following (Ofcourse the comparison is not to scale).


My rating: 3/5. You might be wondering why even 3? Honestly, SRK looked really cool in some parts with that beard and few of the SRK punches were actually funny, particularly while he was flirting with Miss Chopra. But this again is the reason why only 3 and not more. Arre Chacha-jaan, this was supposed to be a thriller and NOT a comedy/romantic movie!! Besides the new Don repeats that 'Don ko pakadna..' dialogue just too many times. Just say it once and shut up!! We all know the dialogue. AB's single swivel in the chair was enough in the original movie but SRK has to do all the catwalk, 'D' tattooing , curving eyebrows to medically dangerous limits to convince. I rest my case on the difference in class here. 


Perhaps the movie could be best summed up by one single line that my friend said: Don2 se paise wasoolna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai!!


P.S. I must say that all these Sibal's siblings are doing one heck of a job at the Health Ministry. Until I watched the movie, I really couldn't guess from watching Don2 songs on music channels, what was that thing that SRK was holding between his lips with smoke emitted all around and a lighter in the other hand. Really tricked!! 
P.P.S. If you found the article worthless owing to its length then you must understand that a big star like SRK deserved more words. If you found the article worthless owing to it being un-researched/senseless then you must question your own judgement which landed you on this blog in the first place. However if you feel that the article was worthless owing to the author being biased, then my friend you are absolutely right!
Ok, now to hell with SRK and you all, I have an office to attend to in the morning. Samsung doesn't pay me to write movie reviews. GN!!

Mission Impossible 4: A couple of things to know in advance!

First things first. If you are that rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because Anil Kapoor has a role in it, then you are in for a huge disappointment. Not only is his role laughable and insignificant but it is just a 1-minute role that spreads across a 15-minute segment of the movie. And if you are the brother or close friend of that rare person or simply another such rare person who is planning to watch MI4 just because a major chunk of it has been shot in India, then again it is going to be a let-down because I have been told that most of that chunk was actually recreated in Vancouver and Dubai. (Thankfully in that part India was not shown in poor light because after Slumdog Millionaire every-time they utter the word 'India' in any Hollywood movie I will start twisting and turning in my chair). 


However, if you are a smart person like me who wanted to see MI4 just for that one scene sequence in which Tom Cruise scales Dubai's 2700-foot Burj Khalifa building, trust me it's worth it! In fact I would go as far as saying that that one scene sequence churned out more thrill than perhaps the entire Ra-One movie. The view from the top was scary even while watching on a screen and for a person having fear of heights like me, it didn't amount to comfortable viewing. I am sure even Tom Cruise's body double would have refused some part of the scene. Maybe they roped in Tom Cruise's body double's body double! However, some friends told me that Tom Cruise has actually done most part of that scene which is absolutely amazing to me because HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO COME EVEN FOR A SINGLE SHOT TO INDIA!! AND THERE HE IS FOOLING AROUND AT A MUCH RISKIER PLACE. YES, IT WAS ALL BODY DOUBLE IN INDIA. DAMN RACIST!! That is how an extremist would have reacted, not me Sir. NO! I love body doubles. I dig them and idolize them. I am so fond of body doubles that even the posters on my walls are those of body doubles and not originals. In fact I am convinced that a day will soon come when the originals will just come for photo-shoot, promotions or may be just for intimate scenes tops, rest all will be done by body doubles.


So coming back to the original topic of me being very smart, I must say that I was not the only smart guy in that theater as there was one smarter. This guy in the adjacent seat was apparently so sure that the eye balls of the entire crowd will be fixated to the screen during that Dubai building scene that he decided to plant on his gal a kiss, which went on for as long as it would take an Indian elevator to reach the top floor of Burj Khalifa. Probably he was unaware that The Silent Commentator was around (Thanks to my minuscule popularity owing to selfish readers like you). But look at the nerve of that bastard! Must have been planning it ever since he saw that Making Of MI4 clip on Youtube. To pile on, the thought that he could have turned in the wrong direction being panic stricken made me skip my dinner.


Anyway, without digressing any further, I should tell you, that MI4 is not all about thrilling adventure as Simon Pegg keeps throwing in funny punches at pleasantly regular intervals and given the fact that I don't comprehend a majority of what is spoken in English movies without running subtitles, it has to be really funny when I say so. Tom Cruise despite being on the wrong side of 40 looks as dashing as ever. The best part about the movie is it being fast-paced. Of-course I have never been a fan of women in heavy make-up getting into a physical combat with men of monstrous anatomy. Okay may be sometimes they do so, but that mostly involves hurling of a household utensil and definitely not choke slamming men around, doing a lady Kane. But let's overlook that aspect in the spirit of Christmas. (It's funny how it has suddenly dawned upon me that my writing is not exactly helping my family in searching a girl for me.) That abruptly ends my so called review. My Rating - 4/5.

This thing should never come in sight of Punjab
Police. I'm talking about the BMW not
Paula Patton! 

P.S. Just a friendly advice, don't even think that you will someday own that BMW Vision EfficientDynamics car used by Tom Cruise in the movie. I know you will get the naughty thought but NO, no raise or job-hop will get you that. Don't ever believe those stories of Dhirubhai Ambani, Warrenn Buffett making it large. They are just old wives' tales. Therefore, you are advised to drown the feeling of despair (which by the way will appear within 3 seconds from the appearance of the aforementioned naughty thought) in a large peg of some premium scotch the way I did...


P.P.S. It's amazing how every-time I could stretch a couple of relevant points into a (not necessarily decent)article of decent length. There gotta be some kind of award or recognition of some sorts for this art! On a side-note, I am sure someday somebody will report me to some Bollywood related regulatory body for offending some aspect of review-writing. But until the somes remain only somes, spectaculorum procedere debet.

Ladies vs Ricky Bahl: A Pleasant Surprise!!

Remember, Boys always WIN!!

I am back with a fly-on-the-wall review of the movie Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl and I must say I was pleasantly surprised after watching this movie. It could be mainly because I have been keeping my expectations to rock bottom after the success of Akshay Kumar and partly due to this being a Yash Raj productions (Ya, the same guy who gave us SRK with his stretched arms pose). As with my my earlier review of The Dirty Picture, again I won't be going into the technical details as they are out of scope for both you and me. Also there wouldn't be much of a disclosure of the plot, but only a mention of the good and bad aspects that hit me.


That Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl is a typical Yash Raj movie could be inferred from the facts that:
1) Both the lead actor and actress make their entry through a song in which there will be a dozen fans blowing away the hair of the actors and everybody surrounding the actors will leave their ongoing business and start dancing along, matching every step.
2) Out of some freakish twist in the tale, actors land up in Switzerland or Goa (depending upon the budget of the movie). 
However, there are green pastures for each of us to discover after passing this painful phase of trademark bullshit movie-making. I have no qualms in saying that Parineeti Chopra (cousin of Junglee Billi) steals the show with all the genuinely funny punches. This despite the presence of two very fine upcoming and young artists: Anushka Sharma (whom we all started hating after watching those Reliance Ads with Ranvijay Singh who used to once behave nothing short of Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Roadies show) and Ranveer Singh (don't you think he looks like a cross-breed of a young Akshay Kumar and Rajiv Thakur of the Laugter Challenge show).


The first 15 minutes of the movie will make you realize why everyone in your family and friends suggest not to marry a Delhi gal (You can tell me if you agree or not after watching the movie). Thanks to Salman, the only human left, male actors are as eager to show their body as their counterparts. FYI, both Ranveer and Anushka have flaunted the result of their hardwork in the gym aplenty. Or maybe it's the too-lazy-to-hit-the-gym me taking control here. Anyway, I would give Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl a generous 3.5 out of 5 for the simple reason that it is a light-hearted time-pass and completely harmless movie, though not with a very strong plot. But then if our King Khan can play a husband who meets his wife every evening as another person just because he is not wearing a moustache, then we aren't really into much of strong-plot movies. The movie is definitely a one-time watch and trust me you wouldn't be cribbing on your way out (I'm presuming you have also watched movies like Ready and Bodyguard). Look out for Parineeti, who is the USP of the movie, carrying it on her shoulders for the entire length. (On a side-note doesn't she resembles Dhoni's wife Saakshi? By the way there is a character in the movie who also looked like Dhoni. Let me know, if you noticed that.) 


However, I left the theater very depressed for two reasons: First, thinking when will I have such white and shiny teeth as the movie actors and second, when will I earn enough to afford eatables at a movie theater without feeling guilty!


P.S. If you are wondering that what you have just read is a movie review at all, then I have two things to say: First, if you really wanted a real movie review, you wouldn't go any far from Rajeev Masand. Second, I am writing this after watching the late night show of the movie, which is a big deal with me being a poor engineer and my boss (whom I have to encounter tomorrow early morning) not being particularly a big fan of my writing. GN!!

Movie Review: The Dirty Picture not so 'Dirty' !!

It doesn't happens very often that
Hashmi watches while the others
make hay. But that is what
happened in this movie!!

This is for the first time in my blog that I am attempting to review a movie, so will keep it extremely short and crispy. Rest assured that there are not going to be any spoilers nor am I going to bore you with my knowledge of cinematography (which by the way doesn't exists too). But before starting with the review, given my caring nature, I consider it as my duty to warn you of a couple of things. First, if you consider yourself a holier-than-thou individual, then do yourself and others around you a favor by staying away because all you will be doing after watching the movie would be badmouthing the actors, the art, the concept and most importantly the skill. Second, ladies need to buckle up because the expectation level of their beaus is bound to shoot through the roof after watching this movie.


'The Dirty Picture' is, without a shadow of doubt, a Vidya Balan movie all the way, with her character of Silk being the straw that stirs the entire movie for an entire 2 hr 20 mins. Yes, I know it sounds peculiar given that there was a certain Nasseruddin Shah as the co-actor, but such is the dominant role of Silk in the flick. Nevertheless, Nasseruddin Shah who is easily my favorite Bollywood actor does justice to his role notwithstanding how minuscule it was, but then he doesn't knows any other way, does he?


Tusshar Kapoor's role, like in all his earlier movies, could have been avoided. But then when you have a untalented brother breathing down your neck, you have to throw your weight at some point of time and see him through, so that is good Karma for Ekta Kapoor. Nevertheless, let us give a big hand to Tusshar for finally getting to speak in a movie (if you catch my drift). I don't know about others but Tusshar Kapoor looks so helpless to me that I wouldn't be surprised if a gal gives herself to him just out of pity for him. But what would amuse many would be the role played by Emraan Hashmi who is unofficially the Father of Fornication in India. In the movie he plays an old-school director who thoroughly despises the sex-bomb that is Silk. But as it happens all the time with Hashmi Sahab, he finally falls in love with Silk and is almost on the verge of making Murder 3 when the movie ends. We can only thank God for that!


YES, the movie is loaded with some no-holds-barred raunchy scenes, YES the dialoguebaazi in the movie is straight out of a Delhi University boys hostel but NO, it is not a dirty movie!! I know nobody cares, but I would go for a happy 4 out of 5 for The Dirty Picture. 1 for the brave effort by the director Milan Luthria who trod the thin line without falling on the other side into vulgarity, 1 for the mind-blowing dialoguebaazi which you would seriously attempt to by-heart if it doesn't tattoos to your brain automatically, and 2 for the gutsy Vidya Balan alone who when it comes to acting eats Kareena for breakfast and defecates Katrina. And YES, you need not every-time tattoo ISI on your arm to convey a message!!  So that is it. Short and crisp as promised!


P.S. For me the high point in the movie was when I overheard a girl behind me asking his guy 'Yeh Nasbandi Kya Hota Hai?' 


P.P.S. If you think my review was insightful then transfer me the ticket money for the next Friday release. But if you are financially deprived like me then proceed to the Facebook Share button. However, if you think that I should end this review thingy ASAP then convey your contempt in the comments section (which I will moderate anyway).

A walk-back to the good old school days that you should not miss!

As a kid I always had a problem in reciting the second line of our Indian National Pledge. I would shout my lungs out during the first line 'India is my country' but would just murmur something insanely during the second line 'All Indians are my brothers and sisters'. It would be funny because I will say that part with eyes on the ground wearing a 'WTF!' expression. But, you can't blame me for that, could you? If you had hots for the girl sitting next to you (thanks to that 1Boy-1Girl sitting arrangement in my school) and the teacher, both at the same time, then one needs to really have a twisted mind to say such an offending thing. Thankfully, I wasn't a psychopath !


Talking about psychopaths, beautiful teachers and girls at school, I always wanted to ask a couple of things from people outside my circle of pervert friends. First, do you also still discuss your gorgeous school teachers sometimes over a conference call with your school-time friends? Second, do you also at times see on the Facebook, pics of gals from your school time and say to yourself with utter guilt 'Oh come-on! How can she turn out to be so beautiful! God surely doesn't exists' ? NO? Great, we are on the same page then as even I don't indulge in such things. Was just a simple inquiry. Now back to the original topic. <<Crowd Alert>>It's going to be a long article, so empty your urinary bladder and empty/fill-up your non-urinary bladders now itself. 


Of-course when we look back now, we laugh at the things which resulted in us getting punished. The teachers, true to their part, believed that punishment would instill discipline in us, perhaps leading to a better life. But if one closely monitors the life trajectory of those who got regularly caned during school days, it would be pretty evident that they aren't exactly heading any World Peace operations at the United Nations now. They are still doing almost the same things, only at a larger level! For instance, one of my friends was once punished in the 7th standard for calling another guy a cabaret dancer. Really! Is it that criminal? But surely the punishment didn't deter him an inch, as he grew up to be the most foul-mouthed guy I have ever come across.


And for all that philosophical fuss, what would the actual punishments be like?
'Write a 1000 times that I will not do such-and-such thing again', which would invariably be written by your elder sibling or parents, whoever is most jobless (by the way did any of you followed my technique of writing all the 'Is' together, followed by all the 'wills' and so on?); 
'Sit between those two gals', which again wouldn't really be a punishment unless you had set really high standards for yourself; 'Get out of the class', again I could see a bunch of silver linings in that one; 'Hold each other's ears', though looks straight out of Dostana script, but would always turn into a laughter riot. The only punishment that I dreaded was when the teachers would make a pony tail out of your hair for keeping your hair  too long. (Would never forget or forgive my Social Science teacher for that)

The pic that fooled us into thinking how
easy our future life was going to be!

Needless to say, not all teachers are devilish. No matter which school you went to, there is bound to be that one lenient teacher whose class everyone used to look forward to. More often than not, this would be your Art or Hindi teacher. I had this Arts teacher who, for three long years, just asked us to practice one drawing. 
Every week he would come and put that traditional fruits-on-a-platter picture over the blackboard and ask us to draw. If that was not enough, we would sometimes ask him to take that pic down so that we could use the butter paper to trace/outline the pic. And his pet dialogue or rather SOS dialogue was 'Why have you made this class a fish-market' !


Examination time was a time when we would always find a thousand ways to screw ourselves. Starting from preparing for the wrong subject i.e. messing up the exam schedule to forgetting to attempt a sub-part of a question, you name it! Some would even discover that there was a second page also in the question paper, but sadly after coming out of the exam hall. But for me, there was just one interesting thing happening in the exam hall and it was that who would ask for an additional sheet for the answers. Boy! That was one poisoned harpoon right into my chest. There was this one gal in our class who would ask for an additional sheet almost within 15 minutes into the exam. The gal's gesture would somehow make other students believe that either they are not doing well enough in the exam or they have mistakenly received the wrong question paper. This would almost immediately push me and my friends into a channel of distress and disbelief and we would start looking at each other as if we saw a ghost, prompting some asking for a glass of water and others an increase in the fan speed. The fact that this gal used to do this in every exam was provoking an inquiry from us. So finally one day we got hold of her answer sheet after the exam only to notice that on our 10 inches wide answer sheet she would draw not just the left margin but also a right margin. Yes, you read it right, a right margin, both 2 inches wide and to pile on our misery she would write in XXL font size. Satisfied with this sensational revelation we breathed a sigh of relief with our self-belief and pride restored.   


There are many more such incidents and characters that I can share, like that one time when one of my classmates trying to reason why he hasn't completed the summer vacation homework said (and figure this out for yourselves): 'Sir, actually I finished the entire assignment, but just one day before the school re-opened, a monkey took my notebook from my room. I chased the monkey, being a disciplined student that you know I am, but it dropped the notebook in a house. If it was some other house, I would have gone and collected it back, but Sir that house was haunted! We are forbidden to enter there'. Goes without saying, what followed that explanation was the most sickening display of a 35-year old man repeatedly jackhammer-ing an innocent and (foolishly)creative eighth grader. 


I must stop here, only for the fear that what I found enjoyable of my school-days might not really ring a bell with you. Maybe a sequel. But would love to hear of any such moments that you might have to share, I am sure there are aplenty!!


P.S. Alright, I know that I have already exceeded both, the max-readable-limit-even-for-the-most-jobless and the max-readable-limit-befitting-an-article-from-a-pathetic-blogger limits in this post, but I don't see that preventing me from mentioning one last and perhaps the most memorable incident of my school life: There was this creepy boy in our class who would lead an extremely reclusive life, wandering around with his hands always in his pockets. He really used to freak us out as even while writing, his one hand will be in the pocket. So this one time, during an exam, the most gorgeous (and the most cocky too if I may add so) teacher not just of our school but perhaps in the history of English-medium schools became suspicious of that weirdo, suspecting a cheating attempt or a possible concealment of a cheating weapon, you know with all that one-hand-in-the-pocket-even-during-writing thing. So she proceeded to frisk him and then came THE moment <cue ominous organ music> when she entered her hand in his pocket. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me have the privilege of telling you something about the high pitched shriek that followed next. Just to give you some idea, that piercing cry is still rebounding among the walls of my (now dilapidated) school. Apparently, the weirdo never used to wear any kind of underclothing and had removed his pockets from inside altogether! Goes without saying that the guy turned into a legend overnight. 


P.P.S. 'Good Riddance' are perhaps the two words you are thinking of. Notwithstanding that, let me assure that if you liked this post even a tad bit, then you would surely enjoy one of my old post on college life:Examination Fever

Potpourri: Secret behind the OOPS moments of Rakhi Sawant and the possible involvement of two Khans in AB baby's baby!

Being an avid movie watcher (Yes, even after Ra-One), I keep a tap on all the current actors. But in the last couple of years, owing to the overplus of actors (blame it on India Shining or India Drowning), I have lost track of so many new actors, particularly actresses!

However, thanks to The Times Of India (which by the way is just a few articles away from becoming The Porn Of India), I keep getting reminded of the newbie actresses, courtesy articles like 'So and so had an OOPS moment', 'So and so seen in a see-through dress' etc. What is most noticeable about the highly acclaimed actresses featuring in such OOPS moments, is that you only get to hear of them in such news headlines and not in any movie-related news. No wonder why Madhuri Dixit never had such an OOPS moment. 

Speaking of OOPS moments, Rakhi Sawant seems to have one such moment on a weekly basis. Goes without saying that TOI covers each one of them with the punctuality of a well-timed screenplay. And even if they do, I don't think it surprises any of us. For me, Rakhi's entire life is a 3D panorama of various OOPS moments. From the moment she wakes up till she falls asleep, its OOPS OOPS OOPS! I tell you who would have had a real OOPS moment off-late. It would be Shabana Azmi on knowing that Kareena Kapoor had got herself a statue at Madame Tussauds! Really, what a shame!!

Of-course all this talk of OOPS moments makes one sympathize with the male actors for not having such a lifeline-like facility (or maybe they had until a certain Salman Khan debuted). But then there is not much for them to exploit on this landscape. What best can they do? Open Fly? Nevertheless, this discriminatory nature of OOPS moments didn't deter our favorite cameraman Ashmit Patel, who to me is the male counterpart of Rakhi Sawant. Trust me, the guy gives it his best shot. But you can't blame him, can you? Afterall, the youth of India made him a living legend after his (only) entertaining contribution, thanks to Riya Sen's grave misjudgment under the effect of alcohol (Strangely she lost whatever 4-5 fans she had after that). It was Riya Sen back then and Veena Malik recently, but rest assure, as long as this widely acknowledged public fornicator is in charge, even Aruna Irani is not safe. 

Coming to the most significant news of the week (Again blame it on India Shining or India Drowning), Aishwarya Rai has finally delivered a baby, something that small-time untalented bloggers like me have been waiting to cash in on for an eternity albeit it still needs to be confirmed if the Bachchans sought Aamir Khan's assistance in the medical procedure, given his expertise in the field as depicted in 3 Idiots. Sorry for being cheesy but I have completely run out of material, not that I had any to start with.

Image Source: Facebook

By the way what do you think Salman Khan (in a hypothetical scenario) should do if he wanted to avenge the Bachchans and had a little fun at the same time? I guess he should throw the grandest party of all time for no reason today. Simply!! Now that will creep the hell out of the Bachchans, wouldn't it? 

P.S. Everytime you share this article on Facebook, 50 paise will be donated to Mayawati's hair-dresser's relief fund. 

Finally I found my 'Every Indian Must Watch' video!

Its not very often that I share the content of any other website on my blog. Moreover for the first time I am sharing a video. But after watching this video (courtesy: DeshGujarat), I said to myself, finally I found the video for which one can say 'Every Indian Must Watch'! 

In the video, Dr Swamy is so damn right in saying that the study of Indian law should be made a compulsory part of our education system as it will truly empower each one of us. That suggestion is GOLD !

P.S. Please do share this video and let the true face of UPA emerge ! Whether we are over-reacting with UPA could be discussed in the comments section in a civilized manner.

First video is in Hindi(courtesy: DeshGujarat) and the second in English (courtesy: youth fornation.

Why is it dangerous to be 28 and single !!

I happened to visit my native (Kanpur) for Diwali. Of-course visiting your family and other relatives (mostly insignificant) is always an enjoyable thing for everyone but what makes these visits all the more interesting to me is the number of 'You know he didn't even have money to afford....' stories of famous personalities that I get to hear from these relatives (mostly completely insignificant) to indirectly point out how ungrateful I am or have been.

They will start with the stories of other great men like Lal Bahadur Shastri, saying 'You know he used to walk through a river to his school keeping his books on the head'. Gradually they would come to the story of some neighbor or a close relative, finally slipping past me their own story: 'You know when I was in school, I have to submit my old-used-shortened pencil before my mother will issue me a new one'. Then of-course there will be that ageless story of 'You know I used to get 50 paise as daily pocket money, of which I would buy a samosa for 25 paise and save the remaining 25 paise.'

And if having to endure the spiritual heartache of witnessing such specimens at soul-endangeringly close quarters doesn't breaks one down, their belief that each of their sons is earning lakhs per month is certain to test the tensile strength of your brain nerves. 'My son has a package of 36 lakhs per annum. You know he recently purchased a brand new Maruti Alto.'  Ya! Bite Me!!

All this trash talk makes me wonder what would have been the scenario if I had a mafia/underworld background. I guess then my relatives would have said: 'You know he had to wait for four long years before he could attempt his first bank robbery due to lack of a motorbike', 'You know he didn't even have access to a real hand pistol to learn in his early years, still he turned out quite a gem, eh? '

This pic is probably too serious
 for this article.But its 2'o clock
 in the night.If you want an
appropriate pic, hunt yourself!

I am 28 and single, somehow these stats don't go down well with the relatives. I might not even be knowing the names of some of these relatives, but still they have this itch of getting me 'settled' as if currently I am residing in some home for the shelterless.

Mothers, of-course have their own way of persuasion when it comes to marriage. Unlike the senior male relatives' hammer-and-tongs approach, mothers have a very soft approach towards the victim, which in this case is their son. For instance my mother's modus operandi  revolves around first carefully weaving the 'achievement' thread around me and then finally strangulating me into submission, so whenever I achieve something, she suggests that this is the perfect occasion to get married. Be it a job promotion or car acquisition. Things went out of control when I suggested to her that I am going to buy a home theater for me. Somehow we Indians have convinced ourselves that one cannot indulge in any kind of enjoyment or luxury unless married.

Aforesaid scenario makes me wonder about the hardships that a 28-and-single guy might be facing in Pakistan. I guess his mother would say something like this while serving him lunch: 'I have had enough off you! Enough of these terrorist activities. Once you are back from this suicide bombing mission, I am getting you married. I have already set up your marriage with Laden Chaccha's daughter. They say she makes very good home-made hand grenades as well.' 

One thing that I always look out for while visiting my native is the gossip stories of guys-girls running away from their families in love. Sadly, with passing time and increasing number of love-marriages (which get approved later by the families) such stories are getting extinct. Not only did such stories of defiance gave me and my friends enough masala for gossip, it also opened new horizons of opportunities for us as well. I myself once tried to run once during school days but the girl stood up on me. Needless to say, later I had a hard time explaining my parents what exactly I was doing out there with a bag of clothes at 5 a.m. in the morning.

I guess no discussion about my native Kanpur could be completed without mentioning its beautiful railway station. Now I am not sure if there is any international organisation which keeps records of the most yuck railway stations, but if indeed there is one, then Kanpur's railway station would be the numero uno among the lot. Its difficult, rather painful, to believe that the director of Bunti Aur Babli chose Kanpur's railway station to shoot. 

However, there are certain things that I never fail to witness at a railway station, Kanpur or otherwise. Firstly, whenever you are at a railway station you always start thinking how good/bad your native's railway station is as compared to that one. Secondly and on this one I can bet my life, that you will always find a TT-Uncle pair on the platform with the uncle trying to arrange for an extra berth/seat. Thirdly, no matter how well-off you are financially, there will always be a constant debate whether to buy the platform ticket or not. In case people do buy it, they will try their best so that the ticket checker checks on them, trying to walk by him as closely as possible and behave weirdly like an alien. 


So do you have anything special to say about your relatives? 


P.S. In case you liked what you have read here (which I don't think so), do read one of my old and all-time favorite pieces about the irritating things that we have to put up in the trains: 

On a Train of Thoughts with a one-way Ticket to Hell!!

Potpourri: Cheergirls, Jr.Mallya and Al Qaeda!

Goes without saying that my last post on SRK (Gujaratis' response to Ra.One and much more!) has clearly taken its toll on my blog's popularity with the number of 'likes' getting reduced by approx 30%; even the Gujaratis weren't particularly pleased. But I am okay with it as long as it saved even a single person's ticket money. Some of the readers even went out of their way to mail be about how they feel that I am a sadist and would eventually meet a bitter and lonely end. Nevertheless, as shameless as I am, I will write another post here bombarding you with my observations from different fields of life: 


Cheergirls, Beauties at the cricket ground and the knowledgeable franchise-owners
We all like watching cheergirls at cricket grounds, reasons varying from person to person. But if you look at it, being a cheergirl is still not a recognized form of occupation. Do you really think, that somewhere in Sydney there will be a school girl in her fifth standard telling her mom how she dreams of becoming a cheergirl some day and dance at 48 degrees in Chennai every-time Subramaniam Badrinath hits a four after a prolonged period of watchfulness? Really? Very much like T20 cricket, even being a cheergirl is a stepping stone to reach a more skillful and appreciated form of the same occupation.


Anyway, staying with heat, what are your thoughts on those gorgeous looking girls in the audience that we get to see mainly during T20 matches. Whenever a wicket goes down, their expressions of extreme grief (of-course when the camera is on them) are so intense as if the Father Of The Nation died again and 1857 never happened. I am sure half of these hotties wouldn't be even knowing, at any stage of the match, if their team is doing well or bad, forget about knowing a single foreign player's name featuring in the side they are supporting.


Again staying with pretense, there is no doubt about the fact that Jr.Mallya is easily the most despised man in India at the moment. Any hard working individual automatically seems to develop an unprecedented hatred towards him. I sometimes wonder how much of a cricket match do these franchise owners understand. For example, I am pretty sure that Neeta Ambani comes to an IPL match just to test her biceps strength by lifting cricketers at the end of every match or would it be something like this:

Dad, are you sure you will be able to dive from 
slip and take all my catches? 

Jr.Mallya to his secretary (after the first innings): What do we have to do to win now?
Secretary: Sir, our players have to go out there and score one run more than the opposition has scored and sir its not 'we', its 'them'. You don't have to do anything. Please park yourself on the sofa seat alongside your equally untalented Ms Padukone.


Politics
I feel that in many ways UPA's war against corruption is like Pakistan's war against terror. With an equally pathetic opposition like BJP, Indians at the moment are so confused that they might as well go with whatever Arnab Goswami decides on Newshour. And when we are not suffering from news of corruption, there are these troublesome neighbouring countries. I am not much concerned with Pak cos I'm sure that eventually they are going to blow themselves up as soon as they are done with blocking FB, YouTube, Internet Explorer, Chrome, Mozilla etc. But it is the Chinese that concern me more. Sometimes there conspicuous presence in Pakistan worries me and at other times their bulldoggish presence on the Sino-Indian border intimidates me. This forces me to wonder what percentage of Chinese actually stay in China itself. 


Miscellaneous
By the way did you know that Al Qaeda have their own magazine and its named Inspire. I guess RAW would be really interested to get their hands on the list of Indians who have a subscription of Inspire. So what do you think these Inspire people offer extra on taking extended pre-paid subscriptions? One box of hand grenades free with a 3-month subscription? One all-in-one detonator kit with a 6-month subscription? All three volumes of 'How to become a successful suicide-bomber and stay happy ever after' with a 1-year subscription? Or perhaps a one week free stay in US for sightseeing along with a camera to capture important places as the lucky draw?

Gujaratis' response to Ra.One and much more!

I love Gujarati people for the colorful manner in which they celebrate festivals and the unity with which they stay together as one big family. No wonder most of the soaps these days feature Desai, Parikh families etc. But I am not a fan of watching cinema in Gujarat cos the crowd tends to get very noisy on seeing the hero making an entry, though if you compare to Bangalore, the theaters here in Ahmedabad are of better quality and half the price.


However when I watched Ra.One here in Ahmedabad, I observed two things. First was that nobody cheered on SRK's entry in the movie which is always a characteristic of intelligent people. Second was people's reaction as soon as the movie got over. This is something I always wait to notice so as to ensure that my reaction is in sync with the rest of the lot. Although I must say that more often than not I find myself on the opposite side of the rest of the audience but in the case of Ra.One we were all together on one side, like a big distressed family. The look on the faces was more of treachery than shock. It was as if they were promised a summer vacation camp but led to a concentration camp instead.


Nevertheless, I must say I am a relieved man after the release of Ra.One cos to be honest it was really pissing me off to see SRK on each-n-every darned channel telling his tales of bravery and chivalry, telling why people should watch the movie and how he wants to bring technology to Bollywood so as to pull it up to Hollywood's standards. If I could recall correctly, in one of the interviews he blabbered: 'I made this movie for that one Indian boy working in New York and that one Indian girl studying in London who could proudly tell their friends while watching Ra.One that this was made in India.' So for me, now its all up-to the Indian boys working in New York and Indian gals studying in London to come up with a suitable explanation if in case they happen to accidentally watch the movie with their white friends. I guess the Indian embassy in UK and US is pretty soon going to get some nasty calls.


Also I fail to understand why the King of Bollywood always needs the Multi-Star clutches to walk his movie. As in Om Shanti Om, even in Ra.One you will get to see a plethora of movie stars. The guy knows the tricks of his trade well. He even roped in Rajinikanth for a meaningless 1 minute scene so that he could also milk the Rajini-crazy South Indian audiences who wouldn't have otherwise chosen to see Ra.One. As one of my friends rightly said 'Ra.One is a 2.5 hr Rajini movie with guest appearance from SRK for 2 hrs and 29 minutes.'

Viewers feel that they paid a very heavy price for watching
the chubby look of Kareena in that dazzling pallu-less saree!

(Spoiler Alert) Coming to the actual movie, the very idea of a Super-Hero safeguarding only his own family is flawed. That is not a Super-Hero, that is mean! I guess SRK typecasted the idea to suit his personal lifestyle. Is it a sequel to the Nerolac paints ad: 'Papa tum tak kuch bhi harmful nahi pahuchne denge!' Needless to say that SRK even in a robotic avatar displays his trademark fake smile with S-shaped eye brows. What will add to your misery as a viewer is that there are some pretty out-rightly sleazy scenes and dialogues which is always something to avoid when you are with your family.


Anyway I would stop here and let the equally meaningless media do its bit to scrutinize Ra.One. I know it takes a lot of hard work to make a movie but as they say sometimes we miss the wood for the trees. But that would not in any way prevent me from visualizing Salman and Amir having a small celebration somewhere.


P.S. I can safely assume that a teeny-weeny brain cell of at-least one of you readers may be beginning to ask me 'Who the hell asked you for a review?' To which my standard reply is 'Who the hell invited you to read my review? So eff off !'


P.P.S. Only I realize the risk that I am undertaking by mocking SRK in my already flopped The Silent Commentator blog cos lets face it, although you and I could see through things but there are still many jerks around who idolize SRK.


Lux Cozi ki taraf se aapko Happy Diwali!

The Revenge !

I have stopped writing. It took some time but I finally realised that perhaps writing is not my cup of tea. I mean what better one could expect from a blogger who has read only two novels in his life, both unfortunately being works of Chetan Bhagat. Haven't written anything for the last one month and wasn't planning to do it in future either until this incident, that happened yesterday, provoked me.


I had just come out of the theater after watching the flick 'Rascals' with this friend of mine (Let's call him Mr X). As if the pain 'Rascals' gave to a differentiating cinema connoisseur like me wasn't enough, Mr X did the unthinkable: He asked me how come I haven't written anything for so long. Then I told him how I felt that I am not the best man for this job, if the general feedback is anything to go by. Upon listening to my explanation Mr X had this look of great relief with a tinge of happiness, you know that 'I told you so' kind of vindicative look. Now I must mention at this point of time that I should be, if anything, be thankful to Mr X for at-least caring to notice that I had stopped writing, so I overlooked that expression on his face. But it was when he started to suggest me alternate things I could focus my energy on instead writing, when I really took it to heart. The least the guy could have done is offer me a formal-cum-untruthful expression of commendation like 'Why do you think like that. You should write. Believe me you are good!' 


It was then that I decided that I will write one last article which will be completely meaningless and directionless but not aimless; its aim would be to further torture people like Mr X who despise my writing. Right then, here we go. This article is going to be in the form of points implying some observations from different walks of life that didn't go down very well with me. Mind you, they are completely unrelated to each other and do not make any sense when read in isolation or otherwise:


Politics: Going by the way the UPA politicians are getting stuffed into the prisons I wouldn't be surprised if the govt finally agrees to okay the much awaited 'Jail Reforms'. And it makes sense as well, I mean with people like Kalmadi inside. There is still a section in my payslip which tells me that I paid through my nose for his idea of high hygiene standards, as was demonstrated by the costs incurred in constructing those expensive toilets for CWG. 


Bollywood: I don't know about you, but I being a well-educated (or so I believe) proud Indian (or again so I believe), find it pretty devastating to believe that there is a vague possibility that all my countrymen's safety would be in the hands of a superhero who stammers. That is certainly not my idea of a superhero! I mean, really somehow he just doesn't fits in there. Blame it on some of his past roles or deeds or whatever. And what do you think could explain the rationale behind this superhero operating in foreign countries most of the times? (as concluded by the trailer) I mean was it that the Indians shooed their superhero away or isn't there enough trouble in the country for the superhero to attend to? A brainless politician decides to beat up a few Autowallahs whenever he finds himself slowly drifting out of spotlight and a man with no history of heart attacks enters into a CM's house and comes out coughing out blood before dying within 12 hours of a heart attack; aren't these good enough reasons to attract our superhero's attention? Perhaps not. Perhaps our superhero finds the scenic beauty of London more convenient to show his stunts!


Cricket: What the hell is going on with people today? Akhtar & Afridi criticising Sachin, Chetan Bhagat taking a potshot at Narayan Murthy.. Losers scrutinizing the greats has become a trend is it? I guess it's high time then that I too document some flaws in George Orwell's literary works. Anyway, I heard somebody in media comparing Sachin's criticism by Shoaib to that 'Dogs bark when an elephant passes by' metaphor. Although Shoaib wouldn't object his 'speaking' being compared to 'barking' as it is consistent with the rest of his personality but my pet dog Sheru has taken strong objection to that comparison. He hasn't eaten for 2 days after hearing this as he finds the comparison utterly degrading.


Staying with the story, the 17-for-last-10-years Pakistani cricketer Afridi supported his brother from another mother Shoaib by saying that even he saw, while fielding at square leg, that Sachin used to shiver while facing Shoaib. Well, as long as it puts the food on the platter for our beggar-cum-terrorist neighbors I don't mind but still I would like to say two things here: First, what Afridi refers to as 'shivering' is known as 'Footwork' in cricket terminology, something which of-course he wouldn't be aware of being just a new-comer and 17-yr old n all. Second, if Afridi indeed had this Sanjay-esque eyesight of the Mahabharata fame then where was he when his bowlers were bowling those famous No-Balls ? Food for thought? Although I must say that I await with great anxiety for Afridi's autobiography to come out. It would be the best fantasy book ever!


So who do you guess would be most unhappy with T20 cricket? Dravid? No! It must be Mukesh Ambani. Let me explain. If there were no T20s there would be no IPL and if there was no IPL then Ambani wouldn't be owning the Mumbai Indians team and if Ambani was not owning Mumbai Indians then he wouldn't have to see 15 sweating cricketers on a high protein diet hugging and lifting his wife after every victory. That entire setting is a high testosterone one particularly if one of the individual is Pollard. Sounds too cheesy? Well I am a deeply disturbed individual!


By the way what do you cricket experts have to say about commentators saying: 'He likes to go over the long-on mid-wicket region for the big shots'. My question here is that who doesn't? I mean did you ever hear any batsman saying 'Well, I prefer the third man region to slog! Nothing in the world gives me more confidence than getting down on one knee, close my eyes and hoick that 150 kph delivery behind the keeper'


I have a lot more to say particularly about Arnab Goswami and some ultra-fake and boring aspects of our Bollywood movies, but already the post has become too lengthy and dragging. May be a sequel!


P.S. I think I am happy with my revenge and as they say revenge is a dish best served cold :) But do let me know what do you think about this piece.

Boy disappointed to not witness any terror attacks on the 10th anniversary of 9/11

New Delhi. Last Sunday marked the 10th anniversary of a day that stands alone both in history and in the minds of world population. While the survivors and the relatives of those who died, spent their day in deep remembrance, back in Delhi a teenager was disappointed to not have witnessed any action on the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. 

"I am completely shattered. I sat on my couch, glued to the TV for the entire day hoping to see Al Qaeda's latest innovative attack but as fate would have it, there was absolutely no action, " said a dejected looking Dhawal Agarwal, a 16 year old science student.

"Well, if you ask me, it was a perfect setting. 10th anniversary, Al-Qaeda having recently pledged revenge for Bin Laden's death, a Sunday with nothing to do, Indian cricket team getting gang-raped.. It just doesn't gets better than that, does it?  " questioned an innocent Dhawal who has been brought up on a rich diet of sensational journalism and finds it difficult to go through a day without any live coverage of a terrorist attack followed by endless news channels' endless group panel discussions.
It is to be noted that this passion of Dhawal has not gone unnoticed with the Delhi police which has been put on high alert over Dhawal's obscure mania. " As part of our general strategy we keep an eye on all those who follow such news stories/incidents on Wikipedia and Youtube. However, we sprung into action when some of the shopkeepers told us about this boy who keeps asking them about trump cards featuring all the major Al Qaeda stars," revealed the area constable Ram Singh, who raids Dhawal's house every fortnight or alternatively whenever he is free.

All day long Dhawal was duped by
 the Indian News channels which
 showed pointless drivel under
 the name of Breaking News.

"You can't blame me for being selfish or inhuman. Ever since I grew up, I have been hearing stories about the 9/11 attacks and the related conspiracy theories. I was too young then to remember anything. All I am asking for is my share of entertainment, " said Dhawal who has watched all the 9/11 related conspiracy theory documentaries on Youtube, starting from Loose Change to Fahrenheit 9/11.

Dhawal's parents talk about how gratified he looked last week while watching media coverage of Delhi HC blast. "It's difficult to separate him from the TV when reports on any terror attack are being aired. We did try to put on Star Cricket which was then airing the India-England match but the sight of Munaf Patel blasting Kohli for misfielding didn't go down well with Dhawal and he flipped back the channel right-away," said Dhawal's parents who have to sit and watch with their hopeful son all day long, the Breaking News of India's most honest cricketer Mohd Azharuddin's son getting injured in a road accident.  

Last reported, Dhawal's parents were able to tranquillize him over Sunday's disappointment sighting Sunday being a non-working day for Al Qaeda.


P.S. The write-up is written not with an intention to mock the terrorist attacks or the destruction they bring along. Instead through this article I am trying to bring out the selfish nature of humans who take great pleasure in the tragedy of others until they find themselves at the receiving end. Surely, I have mocked the deplorable quality of Indian media and police which just make matters worse.

Google Maps to use Mayawati statues for directions in Lucknow !

Lucknow. “Head north towards Maya#3899, Turn left at Elephant#23, Pass by the KansiRam#19 and take a final right at Ambedkar#6” was how Google Maps gave directions to Chandru Prasad when he used his Android phone to find out how to reach Pandey Paan Bhandar from his house.
Starting today, Google is planning to use the ever growing statues in the state for the benefit of aam aadmi.
“We have launched our services in Beta stage in Lucknow and we hope to extend these services all over the state once the Indian courts give green signal to Miss Mayawati for completing her statue building projects,” Google CEO told Faking News.
Sources inform that a “statue predictor algorithm” designed by Google engineers had estimated that Lucknow would have a Mayawati statue after every hundred feet by the year 2020.
“This is huge! We don’t even expect street lights or traffic signals cropping up at similar rates; nothing could give a sense of direction in the state better than the statues, and that’s why we decided to incorporate them into our services,” Google CEO explained.

UP CM Mayawati with statues that would give
 directions to the lost citizens in the state

The news has brought an early Diwali for Maya’s supporters in the state capital, and even the Chief Minister herself was happy with the announcement.
“We thank Maanniya Google Ji for taking this noble step that will help the poor people in Uttar Pradesh,” Mayawati read out a prepared statement in a press conference. Later her Chief Secretary informed that the government will provide the required data to Google engineers, and the statues would be meticulously numbered in order to make direction-giving easy and accurate.
Government sources inform that the news has excited Behenji so much that she is planning to build a statue of herself that would be the tallest in the world.
“Taller than the Christ the Redeemer and the Statue of Liberty put together,” a government source informed. Faking News learnt that this proposed tallest statue of Mayawati would be called the “Redeemer of Poverty” symbolizing Maya’s constant concern for the poor.
Besides, the statue will have Mayawati holding an elephant in her right arm, instead of the customary torch. “This is to symbolize her power and stature,” explained the source. Not to mention the other arm will be shown holding her favorite hand-bag.
This decision, as expected, hasn’t gone down well with the Samajwadi Party leaders who have vowed to demolish the statue once they come back to power, even if that means partnering with the BJP for the demolition, while Congress workers are reportedly working on a “counter offensive”.
“They are planning to come up with Gandhi Maps to counter Google Maps; the Gandhi Maps will use all the monuments, offices, roads and other constructions named after Nehru-Gandhi family members as the landmarks for giving directions,” a Congress source revealed.


This post was first published by me on Faking News. Link. 

Zardari requests Hillary Clinton to get him a iPhone when she comes next for a surprise visit to Pakistan!

Islamabad. In the backdrop of Osama killing in Pakistan, US secretary of state Hillary Clinton made a surprise visit of Islamabad last week to discuss America's concerns over terrorism with Pakistan. While the world remains at sea with Pakistan's role in the so called War-On-Terror and its possibility of getting declared a terrorist state, Pakistan president Asif Ali Zardari seems to have a personal agenda of his own.


" Ya ya ya. War on terror, terrorists, Osama, Obama, LeT, JUD, Musharraf, Sharif, India, China, Abbottabad, Islamabad, state actors, non-state actors all that will go on and on. What Pakistan needs at the moment is a little boost on the technology front. Cutting the chase, actually I have been fostering this dream of owning a iPhone for quite some time now. My chief of staff tells me that one can get a iPhone for quite less in US, so I have requested Hillu to get one for me whenever she plans to surprise visit us next,"said Zardari who bought his last phone Nokia 1100 at 10% discount on becoming the president.


It is to be noted that the latest phone to hit the Pakistani market is MotoRazr so one understands Zardari's decision to stamp his authority through acquiring an iPhone. Although Zardari had been once gifted a iPhone in the form of a surprise package dropped at his doorstep but he burnt the handset owing to its logo of a chewed apple, thinking it to be a sick joke from RAW.


" I know getting iPhone from US could pose some jailbreak problem. But then you can ask any living soul on the face of the earth about the country which has the expertise in jailbreak area, it is us! Besides it will give me an opportunity to be always on-the-go," said a winking Zardari who uses 'iPhone' and 'iPad' interchangeably in his conversations. That last statement caused anxiety and worry in the Obama administration which has already been through a painful ordeal of chasing Osama bin Laden for almost a decade.

Zardari before receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

" We acknowledge receiving a iPhone request from the Pakistani president. Although the Congress has opposed the idea but we have decided to meet Pakistan's demands with this one as well," said the US state department spokesperson confirming receiving the request.


No sooner was this announcement made by the US, the Pakistani nation went into a celebration mode, swamping the streets with burning placards of Nokia 1100. Singing and dancing they celebrated the single biggest achievement in the political career of their president. The entire political caravan including the likes of Dawood reached the president's 1BHK mansion with a crate of half a dozen apples in a show of appreciation.

Zardari after receiving the
confirmation for iPhone.

Completely over the cloud, Zardari was short of breath as he said," This accomplishment marks a historical day for Pakistan. I appreciate the graciousness showed by the US. They even went out of their way to ask me if I wanted iPhone 3 or 4 ? Ha Ha Ha.. But I turned down their offer gracefully saying what will I do with so many iPhones. One is enough for me." Zardari paused to count the number of apples in the crate and continued, " Looks like our relationship with America dates back to stone age. In fact my secretary has just informed me that US has even sent me some list and I can bet my bottom dollar that it would be the list of tariff plans for me to choose from as I had also asked for an AT&T connection."

So while the entire Pakistani nation wait for their president to wake up to the alarm tone of iPhone and save the country, one thing is for sure: If you don't have an iPhone, well, you don't have an iPhone!